Today I feel sad. I have no idea why, but I do.
My students came in like usual, talking and procrastinating... Yet, they have settled down into their math assignment, and I am so proud. I feel like they've made a lot of progress.
Many of us have countdowns going for various things... For instance, I come home eight weeks from yesterday. I'll be living with my family again in 55 days. We have seven weeks of school left. There are 34 more school days, and two of those are half-days. :) My friend Kristen is coming to visit four weeks from yesterday. She'll be here in 27 days!
With all of this thinking about countdowns, I'm wondering if we should be counting up too...
I just checked the calendar. We have been here for a little more than 37 weeks. (Meaning, 37 weeks have passed since we moved here August 8th...) If I counted correctly, it's been 262 days. I wish I could count the school days, but with the random breaks thrown in this year, I'm really not sure... I'm guessing we've taught for about 140-145 days.
It's nice to look back and see all you've come through sometimes...
Apparently it's a yawny, sniffly morning in 5th grade. Too bad it's unprofessional for a teacher to be listening to her ipod in class.
Monday, April 26, 2010
Saturday, April 24, 2010
Heaven
Tonight I'm longing for the completion of our rescue and redemption - when and where there will be no more:
I want to learn to make the RIGHT decisions...
And maybe the whole point of the waiting is to help others who long for the same thing to find The Way there as well...
And in the mean time, maybe it's true - you can't always get what you want. I hope I can become increasingly more content with that.
- pain
- suffering
- disappointment
- foolishness
- bad decisions
- sickness
- tornadoes
- fear
- discouragement
- procrastination
- laziness
- apathy
- dissatisfaction
- uncertainty
- disrespect
- hurt feelings
- disease
- starvation
- weakness
- selfishness
- goodbyes
- instability
- hopelessness
- heartache
- lonliness
- scheming
- manipulation
- condemnation...
I want to learn to make the RIGHT decisions...
And maybe the whole point of the waiting is to help others who long for the same thing to find The Way there as well...
And in the mean time, maybe it's true - you can't always get what you want. I hope I can become increasingly more content with that.
Friday, April 23, 2010
Dreams...
Another week has come and gone... Three weeks of the quarter have passed. There are seven left to conquer.
Things are good. I still just wish I could be in two places at once, mostly because of things like this:
Things are good. I still just wish I could be in two places at once, mostly because of things like this:
She's beautiful, and I'm so proud of her... I know that these days, a high school graduation seems pretty standard - but when you realize that life is unpredictable, I think it becomes so important to celebrate moments together for as long as you are blessed to have them.
As I pray and think about my next steps, I find myself dreaming primarily in two different directions and knowing all the while that God may be leading me toward either or neither of them...
First of all, there's the hypothetical idea of a year and a half of hard-core grad school with hopes of academic success leading to an assistantship to teach or research at a large university while pursuing a Ph.D. in education. Then the road could be paved to teach at a university or to do something else in educational leadership and the development of elementary school teachers... This is the big dream that seems completely unrealistic and a bit bigger than reality. In fact, it's like a scary throwback to the Jamey that moved five hours from home at the age of fifteen. I think that comparison is a hint that this may not be God's will... After all, He used those two years to change me and my dreams. Now I wonder if He would lead me back to hopes focusing on self and success and prestige.
(Sidenote: My all time favorite show is Gilmore Girls, and I like to identify with the main character, Rory. In the final season, as she applies for internships and jobs, she blames it all on her mom as she faces rejection. She claims that it is her mom's fault for telling her throughout her entire life that she could do anything... As I dream about things like doctoral degrees, I can definitely relate to her.)
The other dream, at this point, is equally as distant and improbable in completely different ways. It seems like it would be so nice to return to Vincent Elementary, to study for my master's part-time, to buy a house in Vincent, and to settle down there long-term. I don't want to question the Creator and Sustainer of my life, but I can't help but notice that He led me away from Vincent during one of the only years in recent history when Mrs. Miller has not needed to hire new classroom teachers. Maybe such closed doors are just as providential as open ones always seem to be...
I like that I'm open to the Lord's leadership in either direction or toward something else that He wants from me. I'm thankful that these decisions don't have to be made now. I hope and pray that I will choose wisely and follow His guidance.
And now I'm off to spend the night at Twana's and to soak up the last two months of us living in the same place for possibly the rest of our lives. :)
Thursday, April 22, 2010
A Post of Joy
It is high-time that I write a positive, thankful, joyful post... This year (and therefore this blog) has seen its share of lows and extremely hard times. I have faced challenges this year that I never considered or anticipated. I have felt like a whiny complainer more often than not and have found my own blog to be depressing... I have thought that if I knew me, I would not want to keep coming back to read this.
So I want to take this opportunity while I have it to use this blog to rejoice...
Today has been an incredible day. It was not perfect, especially on the academic, orderly side of things, but I am more than willing to call this one a success... I have talked to and/or emailed with almost every person I love the most at some point throughout the day. I can't even express how that lifts my spirits. I also made it through a crazy morning with the students and felt rewarded with a great afternoon. In the last hour of my day, one of my hardest kids opened up and confided in me about personal things, and I was able to joke with a group of my boys as they took a bath in Polo cologne just before walking to the buses in order to "impress" the girls with their "sexiness." (I told them they were more likely to give the girls headaches!) I even had to punish two girls by taking away their recess, and they were still nice and receptive. It's a miracle!!!
God has been so active in my life and in my class this year. I know for certain that the best changes and improvements have come as He has challenged me to invest more in them personally and to trust him with the productivity. That's been hard because I know I'm being watched and judged every time someone else hears my class screaming through the wall, or walking in a clump instead of a line, or seeming out of control at the bathrooms.
But they talk to me! We laugh and joke around and they ask for my opinions and take my advice... Didn't I come here for their hearts and their souls and not their ability to walk in straight, quiet lines?
It's a hard balance... I am a missionary and also a teacher at the same time. Those two roles are very distinct and sometimes don't have the same goals. I know that I am held accountable for their growth in subjects like math and reading. I want to somehow help them to become scholars who can take responsibility for their education and find answers to their own questions. I know that their parents are very concerned about the academic foundation being built and the grades being earned along the way. I know that their future teachers want me to help them "do school" well. And at the same time, I want to be careful to make myself open to them and to treat them with patience, respect, and understanding.
I think that's the primary way that God has changed me. I've been learning (and still am) that I'm not always right. They're kids, but sometimes they know better than I do... Sometimes I don't have to jump to conclusions just because they are not exactly where I want them to be or doing what I told them to do. Sometimes I need to give them the dignity of explaining themselves and to work cooperatively with them to accomplish both of our agendas - not just my own. I think I'm getting a little bit better at listening to them and not taking it so personally when I'm not getting my way. I've just been becoming more patient with them, and while I've always felt like I related well with students, I feel growth.
As a teacher, I feel like I've learned a lot this year about really getting to know each child and seeing them individually instead of collectively as a group. Sometimes we can have great systems in place and ideas that could develop into well-oiled machines, but we're not really meeting the kid where they are or pulling them into our great plans and schemes. A great lesson-plan is nothing without the involvement of the students. I have spent more time this year than ever before considering the strengths and needs of my students and the best ways to engage them. We have to learn how to bring them into what we do so that it's less about the task and more about the person.
Okay, wow... I feel like I'm dealing with hypothesis and theory of a philosophy of education. That's funny because in college, I had to write a ridiculous number of papers on that topic, and I never felt certain about my position. I did well by regurgitating what I had learned in class and what I thought was supposed to be my philosophy of education. Maybe this year has served to radically transform and develop that in me...
Anyway... I feel like I'm chasing rabbits. I write all of this to say that I'm rejoicing because of recent improvements. I know they have come as a result of prayer, and I am greatful. It's nice to know I've reached a point where, if it continues like this, I feel like I can finish well and possibly even enjoy it along the way - at least most of the time...
So I want to take this opportunity while I have it to use this blog to rejoice...
Today has been an incredible day. It was not perfect, especially on the academic, orderly side of things, but I am more than willing to call this one a success... I have talked to and/or emailed with almost every person I love the most at some point throughout the day. I can't even express how that lifts my spirits. I also made it through a crazy morning with the students and felt rewarded with a great afternoon. In the last hour of my day, one of my hardest kids opened up and confided in me about personal things, and I was able to joke with a group of my boys as they took a bath in Polo cologne just before walking to the buses in order to "impress" the girls with their "sexiness." (I told them they were more likely to give the girls headaches!) I even had to punish two girls by taking away their recess, and they were still nice and receptive. It's a miracle!!!
God has been so active in my life and in my class this year. I know for certain that the best changes and improvements have come as He has challenged me to invest more in them personally and to trust him with the productivity. That's been hard because I know I'm being watched and judged every time someone else hears my class screaming through the wall, or walking in a clump instead of a line, or seeming out of control at the bathrooms.
But they talk to me! We laugh and joke around and they ask for my opinions and take my advice... Didn't I come here for their hearts and their souls and not their ability to walk in straight, quiet lines?
It's a hard balance... I am a missionary and also a teacher at the same time. Those two roles are very distinct and sometimes don't have the same goals. I know that I am held accountable for their growth in subjects like math and reading. I want to somehow help them to become scholars who can take responsibility for their education and find answers to their own questions. I know that their parents are very concerned about the academic foundation being built and the grades being earned along the way. I know that their future teachers want me to help them "do school" well. And at the same time, I want to be careful to make myself open to them and to treat them with patience, respect, and understanding.
I think that's the primary way that God has changed me. I've been learning (and still am) that I'm not always right. They're kids, but sometimes they know better than I do... Sometimes I don't have to jump to conclusions just because they are not exactly where I want them to be or doing what I told them to do. Sometimes I need to give them the dignity of explaining themselves and to work cooperatively with them to accomplish both of our agendas - not just my own. I think I'm getting a little bit better at listening to them and not taking it so personally when I'm not getting my way. I've just been becoming more patient with them, and while I've always felt like I related well with students, I feel growth.
As a teacher, I feel like I've learned a lot this year about really getting to know each child and seeing them individually instead of collectively as a group. Sometimes we can have great systems in place and ideas that could develop into well-oiled machines, but we're not really meeting the kid where they are or pulling them into our great plans and schemes. A great lesson-plan is nothing without the involvement of the students. I have spent more time this year than ever before considering the strengths and needs of my students and the best ways to engage them. We have to learn how to bring them into what we do so that it's less about the task and more about the person.
Okay, wow... I feel like I'm dealing with hypothesis and theory of a philosophy of education. That's funny because in college, I had to write a ridiculous number of papers on that topic, and I never felt certain about my position. I did well by regurgitating what I had learned in class and what I thought was supposed to be my philosophy of education. Maybe this year has served to radically transform and develop that in me...
Anyway... I feel like I'm chasing rabbits. I write all of this to say that I'm rejoicing because of recent improvements. I know they have come as a result of prayer, and I am greatful. It's nice to know I've reached a point where, if it continues like this, I feel like I can finish well and possibly even enjoy it along the way - at least most of the time...
Wednesday, April 21, 2010
Picture Post
For the visual learners out there, here are some of the goings on in my Honduran world...
A of all) This friendship is still going strong. LOVE her...
B of all) My classroom lights are getting worse. I turn them on at 7:30, and I expect them to warm up and come on. This was the status of the lights during lunch today... Thank the Lord for our windows.
C of all) These bugs have invaded our school. I come in each morning to find at least 30 in the floor of my classroom. I try to scoot them out to prevent the crazy reactions from the 11 yr. olds. Bonus points to anyone who identifies them and helps me figure out how to get rid of them!!!
And if I don't scoot them out, this is what happens when you purposefully or accidentally step on them. They explode!
D of all) Once upon a time, my classroom was cute and neat and organized. Then kids came. Such is the life of a teacher.
E of all) These books have taken over our classrooms and have probably taken over Honduras. I wonder if there are teachers in every country dealing with this epidemic...
You buy packages of stickers with team emblems and player photos on them. Then you add them to your album, with hopes of collecting them all for each team.
My students find it hard to believe that I don't know who is on the team for USA.
I caught a glimpse of this paper earlier today as one of my boys grabbed it protectively, as if it contained all the secrets of life. I teased him and asked if he was gambling... He told me that he does not gamble. It is helping him to keep track of the pictures he has collected and the ones he wants to trade for. There are 638 stickers. That's right. 638. He's got a long way to go, and so does his mom's wallet...
B of all) My classroom lights are getting worse. I turn them on at 7:30, and I expect them to warm up and come on. This was the status of the lights during lunch today... Thank the Lord for our windows.
C of all) These bugs have invaded our school. I come in each morning to find at least 30 in the floor of my classroom. I try to scoot them out to prevent the crazy reactions from the 11 yr. olds. Bonus points to anyone who identifies them and helps me figure out how to get rid of them!!!
And if I don't scoot them out, this is what happens when you purposefully or accidentally step on them. They explode!
D of all) Once upon a time, my classroom was cute and neat and organized. Then kids came. Such is the life of a teacher.
E of all) These books have taken over our classrooms and have probably taken over Honduras. I wonder if there are teachers in every country dealing with this epidemic...
You buy packages of stickers with team emblems and player photos on them. Then you add them to your album, with hopes of collecting them all for each team.
My students find it hard to believe that I don't know who is on the team for USA.
I caught a glimpse of this paper earlier today as one of my boys grabbed it protectively, as if it contained all the secrets of life. I teased him and asked if he was gambling... He told me that he does not gamble. It is helping him to keep track of the pictures he has collected and the ones he wants to trade for. There are 638 stickers. That's right. 638. He's got a long way to go, and so does his mom's wallet...It's 1:20, and another light just came on.
30 more minutes of this break... Nos vemos!
Waking Up
I have a dream that someday, I will be able to sleep until my alarm goes off. Someday, I will not awake to sounds from the kitchen, the room beside mine, the bathroom, or the room upstairs. I will get the maximum amount of sleep possible because I will no longer hear closet doors closing, chairs moving, microwaves opening, or spoons hitting bowls.
Someday, I will not live here anymore. Until then, I'm thinking of carpeting my bedroom door with hopes that it could absorb sound waves... Or maybe I need ear plugs to go along with the fan and sound machine that I already use...
Ridiculous.
Someday, I will not live here anymore. Until then, I'm thinking of carpeting my bedroom door with hopes that it could absorb sound waves... Or maybe I need ear plugs to go along with the fan and sound machine that I already use...
Ridiculous.
Tuesday, April 20, 2010
Routine Has Returned...
And with that routine comes a lack of blog topics. I feel like there's not much to update. The days are all passing pretty quickly. Things are going well again with my students - mostly because I've chosen relationships over control. They're loud. They don't do anything in a straight, quiet line. They often have to be told to do things at least four times before they're done. They exchange rules and expectations for what they prefer throughout the day. But if I'm patient, they'll usually finish what they're doing (which hasn't been bad stuff lately) and they'll laugh with me and get their work done. Maybe that's what matters? I honestly don't know... I never imagined my classroom being like this... But I know that I've changed. Changed with them and changed in general. A lot... Maybe I'll be able to put it into words before this is all said and done.
Two of my girls came over to hang out after school today. We made a homemade pizza and played on Facebook. I like being able to do that with them. Three months ago, I was blogging about being bullied by one of these girls. The Lord has absolutely changed her. The difference is miraculous.
One of my boy students loves one of my girl students. Apparently he has for three years (since she moved here). Honestly, it's pretty serious for elementary school love - as far as that can go. She won't give him the time of day. He's the bad boy and often the ring-leader for mischief and anything lacking innocence. She's the straight-A student who has no interest (for now) in anything related to trouble. He got tired of her around Valentine's Day and decided he was giving up. Last week, she gave him one of her plastic bracelets. (I'm not sure why... Maybe we all like being liked, even if we're not sure we return the feeling.) His eyes lit up as he told me about it and who it was from. He's worn it everyday since. It seems like one of those situations where he could pine for her for years. I can tell he'll never forget her. I'll be interested to see if she somehow motivates him to be good, or if he ends up pulling her down later on... Time will tell.
My class is leading chapel tomorrow. I'm a bit more heavily involved than I would like, but I'm proud of the way they've pulled it together. The first time we had a brainstorming session, their attitudes and participation were so bad, I gave up and just made them put their heads down. We've come a long way since then! In our actual planning session, I was incredibly blessed by the quality of their explanations of what it means to be a Christian (the theme of our presentation). Somewhere along the way, at least some of them have heard some of the things their parents and teachers have been trying to share.
That also means that tomorrow is a Day 4 schedule, which means I will have a surplus amount of breaks and free time - especially considering how well I've been staying on top of my grading this week. Send me emails and keep me entertained!
Goodnight moon.
Two of my girls came over to hang out after school today. We made a homemade pizza and played on Facebook. I like being able to do that with them. Three months ago, I was blogging about being bullied by one of these girls. The Lord has absolutely changed her. The difference is miraculous.
One of my boy students loves one of my girl students. Apparently he has for three years (since she moved here). Honestly, it's pretty serious for elementary school love - as far as that can go. She won't give him the time of day. He's the bad boy and often the ring-leader for mischief and anything lacking innocence. She's the straight-A student who has no interest (for now) in anything related to trouble. He got tired of her around Valentine's Day and decided he was giving up. Last week, she gave him one of her plastic bracelets. (I'm not sure why... Maybe we all like being liked, even if we're not sure we return the feeling.) His eyes lit up as he told me about it and who it was from. He's worn it everyday since. It seems like one of those situations where he could pine for her for years. I can tell he'll never forget her. I'll be interested to see if she somehow motivates him to be good, or if he ends up pulling her down later on... Time will tell.
My class is leading chapel tomorrow. I'm a bit more heavily involved than I would like, but I'm proud of the way they've pulled it together. The first time we had a brainstorming session, their attitudes and participation were so bad, I gave up and just made them put their heads down. We've come a long way since then! In our actual planning session, I was incredibly blessed by the quality of their explanations of what it means to be a Christian (the theme of our presentation). Somewhere along the way, at least some of them have heard some of the things their parents and teachers have been trying to share.
That also means that tomorrow is a Day 4 schedule, which means I will have a surplus amount of breaks and free time - especially considering how well I've been staying on top of my grading this week. Send me emails and keep me entertained!
Goodnight moon.
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