Choices and Celebrations - And Choosing to Celebrate

This visit home has been sweet to the soul... I am a very blessed girl with a wonderful, loving family and a home area that I very much enjoy. Of course, the stark contrasts between Honduras and the United States can be a bit overwhelming, and I am praying for God's grace to help me live simply without judging or condemning others in their surplus. (My desire for $100 of Old Navy tank tops further complicates things...) It's a hard balance to try to fight materialism and the temptation to be frivolous in a culture consumed by it. It very easily slips in without being noticed, like in spending almost ten dollars on food at the airport in Houston, only to throw most of it away because of the large portion size, or the almost natural tendency to get wrapped up in the rivalry of a college baseball game, when the outcome is really of no importance.

Yet there has got to be a way to live here that reflects something of higher value and continues to carefully evaluate needs vs. wants without becoming proud, judgmental, or offensive. I need grace to make that transition when the time comes and to live it well, not forgetting all I've seen, cared about, and prayed over.

I like who I am in Honduras better than who I am at home. I wonder if I can be that same girl here too...

I enjoy it here. I like my comforts. Yet, I don't want to allow those comforts to determine the course of my life. I don't want to return here just because it's easier. This year has been hard, and it's only now that I am so near to the finish that I see that it was not impossible and it did not overcome me. That, in turn, leads to the idea that it is an endeavor that could possibly be done again, which is a thought to which I have given little to no consideration because I was so focused on survival.

I definitely don't think it's wrong to teach and serve and love and invest in Honduras. At the same time, I don't think it's wrong to do those things here. I only think I will be wrong if I do not allow the experiences of this year to refine me and to impact my values and the woman I am becoming, no matter where I live or work.

These are hard decisions to make, because they could potentially shape my future and they definitely impact others. I wish I had a blinking, neon sign with arrows saying go here... Even if I return "home," I have little to no promises on what that means. However, if I knew the details, it wouldn't require my faith.

I'm just thankful to know that the Lord loves me no matter where I am, and He allows me to love others in all of these places that I call "home."

As for today, I will not attempt in vain to add more time to my life by worrying. Instead, I will trust the Lord to show me what to do, to be with me everywhere I go, and to provide all I need.

It's graduation day here in the Fork, and there are pictures to take, hugs to give, and baby sisters to celebrate... Photos to come! :)

Dazed and Confused

"For God is not a God of confusion but of peace..." 1 Corinthians 14:33a

So how's that for taking Scripture out of context? It's not even an entire verse. The passage is about orderly worship, but this week, I need it to be about decision-making.

I have never felt more lost in my life.

But.

"And he (Abraham) believed the LORD, and he counted it to him as righteousness." Genesis 15:6

I want to believe like that, and this week, I need my belief to be enough...

So.Much.Fun.

Today was the best day I've had in Honduras in a very long time... If it was like this more often, I would be thrilled to stay for another year - to live in the city with Cara, Stacy, and Twana, to get more involved with my church, and to have an actual life here.

John, Hannah, Sarah, and I met up with some friends from church this morning and went to a country club. We played in the pool (because a day at the pool with boys is very different from a day spent laying out with the girls), ate lunch, and played ping pong, pool, and air hockey. Then we went to the mall and walked around for a little bit. Finally, we came back up the mountain to Twana and Hannah's house to eat pancakes and play Pictionary.

It felt like a real day with real lives. (That's what we call it when we get to go out, in cars that aren't taxis, with people who do not work for our school.)

Me gusta mucho...

Just some thoughts...

Mom and I just got off the phone after discussing and wondering about the balance between free will and God's sovereignty. How about that for some light-hearted bedtime conversation?

For instance, if God knows what I will choose, does He know it because He chose it? Does He have an influence on our choices in such a way that the influence changes or determines our choices? Then, are they really choices at all?

Ugh. I could go cross-eyed.

I know that He knows what I will do.

And I know I will know when I am supposed to know it, as long as I keep seeking Him and do not follow my own path due to spontaneous emotion or rebellion...

Sometimes I just wish I knew now - for my own sake and for the sake of all others involved.

In other news:
- I hope to post pictures from this week's field trip this weekend. It was my favorite day of the year.
- For the most part, I am feeling extremely on top of things. I'm excited to be caught up on work stuff (unless I forgot something)!
- Javier gave me a hug yesterday, and I'm not sure he really even processed what he was doing until he was already doing it...
- I found out that the plastic Auburn cup that I gave to my students around Christmas is still a prized possession in the Chirinos household, and Ana refuses to let anyone else use it. Her sister says it's her favorite cup, and she uses it all the time. :)
- Today, while Pablo was in trouble, he said, "Miss, you may be upset with me right now, but you will still remember me as one of your favorite students." He's probably right, but I told him, "Pablo, you can be my favorite without being bad."

What really matters?

The blog world has been quiet lately... As we transition from spring into what most of us consider to be early summer, based on the school calendar, life is almost too full to be processed and analyzed. Most of my teacher-friends are a matter of days away from the freedom that we find and adore in summer break, and yet, there is much to do to close out another year of life.

Sidenote: I think it's funny how there is one main calendar, but many of us live by a different one. Supposedly, a year runs from January to December. Yet for those in the school world, a year runs from August to May or June. Then, of course, there are others controlled by the fiscal year calendar. Interesting...

Anyway. I am in the midst of some big decision making that feels like it could have a great impact on the rest of my life and on the lives of many others. I've decided that's when a decision feels daunting - when it affects others' lives as well. Now I see what Katherine meant when she talked about being a wife and a mother and the intimidation in making decisions that literally decided the course of people's lives.

I'm struggling a bit with deciding what I want to do. There are moments when it all seems obvious, and there are others when I could practically panic if I allowed myself to dwell on it too long.

While journaling my prayers tonight, though, I realized that the specific details of where I am, what I'm doing, where I'm living, etc. aren't really the most important things. I just want to make sure as my life continues, no matter where it goes or who it goes with, that I grow in my love for and understanding of my Heavenly Father. No matter where I am, I hope that He is honored, that others see Him, and that my faith does not become routine, nominal, or forgotten.

The woman in Proverbs 31 laughs at the days to come. I want to have faith like that. The burden is not on my shoulders. I do not have to have all the answers. God will create the task, and then He will ensure that it is accomplished.

"Here I am. Send me."

Now I guess we just wait to see where He sends me.

A new job???

Okay friends, family, and prayer partners... I need you. A very interesting job opportunity (basically job offer) has presented itself in the whirlwind of this weekend, and I would very much appreciate if you would join with me to pray that the Lord's will be done and that He would make His plan perfectly clear... It all seems a little too good to be true in a way that I am certain will ultimately be challenging and yet hopefully rewarding. I really don't want to share any details at all until I know more, but God knows and I would really love to know that you are praying for me specifically (although vaguely) about this.

Love y'all!!!

I Found My People...

Five weeks from tomorrow, I will be boarding a plane bound for Atlanta and saying goodbye to Honduras and lots of great people... I truly believe this is right, and I am excited about it and yet not rushing for that day to come. At the same time, in the last week, I have really seen how well I fit in this community and I feel that it has added extra confirmation that God placed me here. Last weekend, I lounged by the pool with lots of readers and appreciated that I am part of a community that reads. We also worshiped together, and I saw such value in our unity of beliefs.

Tonight, I sat around a dinner table and was part of the majority on an issue for one of the very first times in my entire life.

We never believed in Santa Clause.

Our parents didn't do the Santa thing with us, and a few of us went to school and ruined it for others at very young ages. :)

I'm not the only one!!!

The Year of Jubilee!

I have had an absolutely wonderful day... It started beautifully this morning with worship in devotions. The same girls who led at the women's retreat joined with a few other teachers and blessed us all with some great songs like "Arise," "One Pure and Holy Passion," "Your Name," and they finished with "Days of Elijah."

Of course, I think I'm a little extra-emotional today for some reason, but I found myself wiping away tears as we sang,

"Behold He comes!
Riding on the clouds!
Shining like the sun!
At the trumpet call!
Lift your voice!
It's the year of Jubilee!
Out of Zion's hill, salvation comes!"

I have seriously been listening to and singing that song all day... You can ask my students! I have been enthralled with the idea of the year of Jubilee, so I looked it up to see if there was anything else that I didn't already know about it... I liked this description from Wikipedia:

"In the Biblical book of Leviticus, a Jubilee year is mentioned to occur every fifty years, in which slaves and prisoners would be freed, debts would be forgiven and the mercies of God would be particularly manifest."

It was wonderful to start my day with such joy.

Then the rest of the day flowed smoothly and peacefully. It was almost enough to make me suspicious. My good friend Pablo was absent, so that may have had something to do with it. The kids were just calmer than normal.

Tonight, some of the girls and I are going to get together, order pizza, and watch The O.C.

Welcome to a great start to my weekend. :)

I Wish I Was Vanna White

Okay... I really don't. I just consulted Google and read a couple of paragraphs about her, and I definitely don't want her personal life. In fact, based on the fact that she has also worked as an actress, I'm guessing changing the letters on Wheel of Fortune isn't exactly the fulfillment of all her dreams. On the other hand, according to one source, she makes $3 million a year to walk back and forth for thirty minutes at a time to change letters with a clap and a smile. Really? I'm pretty biased to think that teaching in an elementary school classroom is an extremely difficult job, and I know that there are other jobs that are laboriously exhausting. And she gets to pace back and forth.

At least we get summer break...

And in fact, I have completed all of my lesson plans for the rest of the year! I was working today on plans for next week when I realized I needed to go ahead and prepare for the following week and ultimately the week after that as well. After that, there was only one more to follow - so I just dove right in and handled all of it! Woohoo!

I'm still rejoicing because of the love that the Lord has given me for these students... Pablo has actually been driving me nuts lately, but I just can't help but love the rest of them. I enjoy talking to them. I will miss them when it's all said and done. Yesterday, Argentina asked, "So, are you ever gonna' come back?" I said, "Hopefully I'll come to visit... I'll just stay at your house!" She grinned, shook her head in a yes motion, hugged me, and walked to her aunt's car.

I'm sleepy. I always want a nap on Wednesdays, so I tend to struggle with the fact that it's our longest workday.

And last, but not least, I think I'm feeling a little bit better... I actually got hungry last night for the first time in about a week. Of course, after eating, my stomach hurt again for a little while and it hurt again this morning, but it's definitely better than last week. Here's hoping that God continues to heal! :)

Prayer Request

I'm not quite sure how many people have lasted through these crazy nine months and still actually read this, but I am sure that God answers prayer. It's always worth asking...

So if you don't mind, please pray that God will restore my appetite (to a healthy level... Don't pray so hard that you make me fat!) so that I can eat more appropriate amounts of food. In the last three days, I have not gotten hungry even one time. Yesterday, I ate a waffle and a little bit of watermelon for breakfast. Then I had half a breadstick from Pizza Hut for lunch. That was it! And I was so not hungry when I tried to eat that breadstick that I thought it would make me sick. Today, I had two pieces of bread, one tiny piece of pizza, and a tangerine.

Of course, this is starting to take its toll and make me feel very weak and tired. At times, I struggle to stand up... Yesterday, this meant I ended up sitting on a sidewalk in a gross area of town just because I couldn't keep going, and this morning, I was like an old lady sitting down during the music at church. As you can imagine, this is neither fun, nor comfortable, and it could make for an interesting week of teaching if it continues.

I hope that I can return soon with a praise report of answered prayer!

The Long and The Short of It

Out of respect for your time and out of appreciation for your interest in returning to this site occasionally, I will model an entry that I saw written by another missionary on his blog. He called it "the long and the short of it", and he gave a quick update at the top followed by a longer, more detailed reflection at the bottom. Feel free to only read the short one if you'd like!

The Short:
I'm really feeling a lot better, but I'm still not great. I am no longer in pain, even when I eat. I'm just really tired and often feel nauseous with a loss of appetite. I heard on Friday that something like this has kind of been going around the school and that all the nannies have had it, so I'm starting to feel more confident that it's been a virus rather than a parasite, but I took worm medicine today just in case. Yep. Welcome to Honduras where we sometimes find it necessary to take worm medicine. I feel like a dog.
We had a half-day of school yesterday that included a cute Mother's Day program and a party in our classroom for the moms. It was great to be proud of my kids' performances and then to appreciate the ways they like to organize and run their own class parties. A bunch of the teachers spent the afternoon at the pool at a hotel in the city for our women's retreat. We then had dinner and a time of praise and worship (and this is probably what has led to the need for a long reflection tonight). This morning after breakfast, we spent more time by the pool, but the Honduran sun was trying to get the best of me, so I had to go inside a little early. After a long, hot, exhausting day in Centro, I was so relieved to make it home and to take a LONG and much-needed nap.
Happy Mother's Day tomorrow! I intend to celebrate by going to church (maybe... depending on the energy level) and catching up on the grading that I've fallen behind on. Sounds fun!

The Long
Thursday flew by so quickly, and I struggled to keep up with everything going on around me. We had a practice for the Mother's Day program that really ate up our schedule, and it was progress report day, so I found myself desperately trying to grade a few last-minute assignments to make sure the averages were pretty accurate. I was relieved when Thursday was over so I could look forward to an easy Friday.
We had a half-day on Friday. My kids arrived and were almost instantly thrown into their weekly spelling and reading tests so that we could take a bathroom break and make it down to the gym early to prepare for the program. The timing was perfect because we got our work done, had the program, and then returned to the classroom for the Mother's Day party, after which the kids got to go home as soon as their moms were ready to leave. I had a group of boys that brought most of the food and made sure it got set up and distributed. Then we cleaned up and I took my remaining four students to play on the computers in the library as they waited to ride the bus home. It was a nice recovery after a busy Thursday. However I have a lot of work waiting for me to do tomorrow (probably) because I left it there and went on the women's retreat. :)
This is an annual event here at Pinares... It could almost be considered a teacher's retreat since the vast majority of us here are single women, but the women's retreat is a time for the girls to go down into Tegus, stay at a nice hotel (The Clarion), spend time laying out at the pool, getting massages or pedicures, and to enjoy the company of our sweet community in a different, more relaxing environment.
Our weather since Semana Santa has been quite cloudy and often rainy, but this week was gorgeous. Yet, we began to feel a little disappointed as dark clouds rolled in while we waited on the bus to pick us up and take us to the hotel. In fact, we loaded the bus in the rain, thinking we were bound for an afternoon of naps and playing cards. However, due to the fact that the mountain weather of the school is often different from the valley weather of the city, and also because the weather can change completely in about half an hour here, we still got the warm, sunny afternoon that we all craved. We checked into our rooms and almost all of us quickly changed and migrated out to the pool area. The intermittant clouds were nice because the need for sunscreen wasn't as dire as usual, and many of us read or just chatted or enjoyed the teacher-performed synchronized swimming performance. If this whole teaching thing doesn't work out, apparently I have some friends who should be training for the olympics. :)
After we ended up in the shadow of the hotel, Erika and I went inside and scheduled pedicures in the beauty salon. That was a fun experience because she had never had one before. I know things like that are hard for her because she can't see what they're doing to prepare herself, but in the end, she said she enjoyed it. We made it out just in time to throw on different outfits and head for the buffet dinner out by the pool. Twana is with her parents this weekend, so I sat with some other girls that I like but don't often spend time with. Because we were borderline-late, I felt a little rushed and unsettled at first, and then I really didn't love the food options. They were a little too fancy for a simple, picky eater who has been sick and stopped eating for a week. After I settled down a little, I enjoyed the company and conversation very much and enjoyed the praise and worship afterward even more...
One of the teachers from last year is in town visiting, and because she is extremely talented with a guitar, they asked her to join us and help lead some songs. It took me back to youth group days, just standing in a circle of people in a room singing praise songs. I enjoyed seeing the hearts of our teachers, who can often be so caught up in our complaints about life here, just focused on worship. I actually took some time to just look around... It helped me to realize that we don't do that together enough, and actually, Honduras has almost stripped me of my freedom in worship. Our Friday morning devotions are always very focused on musical style preferences, and with the 6:55am worship time along with our habits to stand in our rows facing the front and resisting the urge to dance at all (school policy), there is often a lack of freedom or community. Then, when I go to Impacto and I am surrounded by people I don't know and trying to understand a language that I don't really speak, I am also very guarded. Particularly as I watched some others in that room and as I observed Heather (the guitar player), I felt jealous.
Of course, then I realized that it was also a heart issue. My faith here is such a constant part of my life. It is often almost scheduled as part of the Pinares routine. Between teacher-devotions, student-chapel assemblies, care group meetings, church services, and even my read-the-Bible-chronologically-in-a-year schedule, things are a bit expected and routine. There has been a lack of spontaneous devotion and adoration and response. My seeking has become methodical. I think it's a hard line to walk. At least I've been seeking, because He promises to be found, but I miss doing it out of deep hunger and love. I'm praying for rejuvenation and freedom.
Last night also felt like the beginning of the end as we talked about those of us who are leaving and how we only have the next six weeks together. For various reasons, I am not here wishing these last days away. Instead, I'm just living them out, and I'm so blessed that God has given me this perspective. Yes, in six weeks, I will be able to sleep in my own bed that has a mattress that was made by angels in heaven, and I will drive my car, and I will be able to eat the foods that I've been missing. I will also be reunited with my family and friends. However, in six weeks, I will no longer be a part of this community, where I trust everyone and I trust their sincerity of faith and share in the core beliefs of their hearts. This is a good place... God has created an incredible ministry here.
As I watched some girls who were reunited with their former roommate, and as I saw their laughter and understanding of each other, and as I witnessed them worshipping alongside each other, I couldn't help but feel like I've missed out a little. God knew what was best, and I trust that alone time to escape and decompress at the end of my days has been what I've needed, but I found myself questioning what this experience could be like if you felt like you were doing it with best (or at least really close) friends. I love Twana, but she lives in a house off-campus, so I don't see her all that often. I just haven't experienced a home environment like the one I caught a glimpse of last night, and I was a little jealous. But who knows? That might have changed my path in more ways than I realize, and it obviously wasn't sovereignly planned to run that way.
Anyway, after that, we returned to our room for some laughter that lasted well-past our bedtimes, and we all proceeded to show that we're becoming like our parents and we're not fully able to enjoy rest and sleep outside of our own beds. This morning we enjoyed an abundant breakfast buffet followed by more pool time under the scorching Central American sun. I loved looking around and seeing ten lovely Christian women laying out and reading. This is such a community of readers. I really do fit in well here. We all have a lot in common even though we're from completely different backgrounds, locations, and lives.
This afternoon, Sarah and I spent some time in El Centro (the old downtown that is named for the Central Park) because we thought we were supposed to serve at the feeding center. Unfortunately, that got cancelled, but we did proceed to witness a crime scene, get hit on, purchase a new wallet and pair of shoes for CHEAP (I am REALLY going to miss that when I'm home!), watch rowdy parades of soccer fans complete with firecrackers in the streets, feel hot and exhausted, sit on the sidewalk while waiting for friends and joke about holding our hands out to ask for money, get a little scared by a homeless man, get cautioned in English to "be careful" by two Honduran women, struggle to find a bus that would take us home, and remember that we truly do live in Honduras. When we FINALLY made it home, I just collapsed into the rest, safety, and security of my bed.
Thanks for making it through the long version of my days and my heart's ponderings... I hope this weekend has been blessed and refreshing for everyone. :)
I can't believe it's just six more Saturdays...

The Abuse of Freedom

Today was rough. I feel like such a failure when I come home sometimes... And other times, I feel like a failure by 7:45am.

Today, I think it hurt my heart more than in the past... I have been trying so hard in the last few months, and I have come to love them in the best way I know how. So today, when I feel lied to and taken advantage of after giving and giving, it hurts.

I can't even imagine how parents must feel when their children rebel.

It hurts to know that I want them to do what is right. I want them to make better choices and become better people. Yet when I trust them, they abuse their freedom and show no remorse over lying to my face or going against my rules and expectations.

I'm tired of fighting. I'm sad that they don't try to do the right thing, even if just out of the relationship that we've built.

And then I think of how we rebel against our Heavenly Father... I see so many comparisons here between their behavior in my classroom and my behavior in my life. It makes me ashamed, and His love baffles me.

I'm also coming to terms with the fact that I have just a little bit more than five weeks left with them, and in all honesty, they're probably not going to transform into a kind, respectful, obedient, peaceful group. I know that doesn't mean it's hopeless... God can change their hearts, and I want to commit to pray for that even after I leave. However, what will the next five weeks be like? How can I hold them accountable to be in the right places and doing the right things without losing my temper?

I don't have any idea what I'm doing.

Caffeinated thoughts...

After three days without eating, I finally ate a real meal - a Mcnugget meal at McDonald's... Ha! That may not have been my best decision ever, but it was so good, and McDonald's trips come few and far between here!

I wish I had the time and energy to do some real reflecting tonight - or even just to do my nails and eyebrows. Ever since I got sick, I've been crashing around 7:00 every night.

Tonight I'm exhausted and yet awake due to the Coke in my system... Again - not my wisest choice of the night. Man, I'm on a roll... Perhaps I shouldn't choose tonight to try to make any plans for the future. :)

The children have been nuts in the it's-May-and-it's-hot-and-we're-ready-for-summer-kind-of-way... Unfortunately for them, we still have five and a half weeks of school - and in fifth grade, that means five and a half weeks of work to do. I knew I was feeling stronger and more energetic today when I started preaching to them about how the school year is not yet over so they cannot give up and that they are almost sixth graders, but they don't act like it! Oh my... Sometimes I wish I could go back and have do-overs on moments like that.

Last, but not least... David Platt's book Radical came out today, and I'm very excited about and scared to read it. The hardest part is knowing that it speaks tough truths that go against the grain of our materialism and comfort. As I watched a video about it earlier, I was reminded of the passion I had to come here. It almost makes me feel guilty for coming home, but I can only hope that my life is changed for the better because of all that I have learned.

Oh, one more thing. (Sorry.) I was convicted in our Bible study last night because we were reading Colossians 4 and discussing Paul's prayer request as he closed out his letter to the church at Colossae. I noticed that though he was in chains at the time, he did not ask for prayer for strength or endurance or the relief of his suffering. Instead, the clear presentation of the Gospel was his top priority. I know that I have spent much of this year asking for these other things that are focused on me. I have about seven weeks left in Honduras. Please pray that God will use me in this remaining time to share the truth and hope of the Gospel and that these students will hear and understand and be changed by the love of Christ.

Blah...

I am sick and tired of being sick and tired.

As far as I know, our sub is already covering for someone today, so I'm just pushing through, chugging Pepto Bismol, and trying to make it until 3:00 when I can go back to bed if necessary...

Here's hoping I don't barf in front of or on a kid today...