If I ever actually become a grown-up...

Someone please remind me that a "fixer-upper" is NOT a good idea! Remind me that although old houses are full of history and charm, they are also full of imperfections and frustration.

Today was a full-on work day at the Benton household, and that made for four very edgy workers. I'm starting to gain a better understanding of all the things I've been hearing about over the last few months. Honestly, I'm starting to think the biggest frustration isn't the old house with crooked corners, unlevel floors, and oddly designed rooms. It isn't even installers or builders or painters who do poor work. (Those are definitely problems, but maybe not the biggest ones.) Instead, it's all about the different opinions residing under this roof. God did not design any of us with gifts of mercy or encouragement or even laid-back and helpful spirits. Instead, as the Benton, Vandiver, Newman, and Wilkinson bloods run through our veins, we all become VERY strong-willed and opinionated - especially during tense and stressful times.

Oh yeah. And those four opinions often point in four different directions.

So instead of coming home to help and ease the tension, I've basically just thrown another strong set of opinions into the mix.

Me? Bossy??? Controlling?!?!

Never!

So in that aspect (and possibly only that aspect, or maybe that one and just a few more) I may be happy to board that plane in about a week.

I can't believe I've already been here for a week. I feel like I just got here... (This is me - trying not to cry.)

Of course, I know that in that other country that I claim to love, there are some ten and eleven year olds who I am proud to know. Pablo must be very bored at home over the break. He's been sending me funny messages and posting silly things on Facebook. As much as that kid drives me crazy when I feel like he's distracting from my goals and plans (see? controlling...) - I love him and think he's a great one.

Grad school has really been on my mind in the last few days. I'm hesitant to share or make grand statements about the future, but I'm still considering some applications for next year.

It's funny because I feel like God has really humbled me over the years when it comes to speaking about plans for the future.

Sidenote: My mom just walked through and said, "What are you doing?"
I told her that I am blogging.
Her reply: "On the Honduran Happenings? You're not in Honduras. You can't happen. Don't you know?"
Haha... :)

Anyway, as I was saying... First of all, I have pride issues and I LOVE to be right. Second of all, I've been wrong A LOT. So now I am filled with hesitation when it comes to making predictions and even decisions regarding plans.

All I know is that there already IS a plan. It's not uncertain or unknown. It's usually pieced together just a little at a time for me to see, but I like knowing that God knows EXACTLY what He's doing...

As for tomorrow, I will gather with my faith family for coorporate worship, enjoy a little more time with precious friends that I love dearly, and hopefully be a bit more helpful than contrary on the home front...

After all...

"Love is patient and kind; love does not envy or boast; it is not arrogant or rude. It does not insist on its own way; it is not irritable or resentful; it does not rejoice at wrongdoing, but rejoices with the truth. Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things. Love never ends."
1 Corinthians 13:4-8 (ESV)

Feliz Navidad

"The Word became flesh and made His dwelling among us. We have seen His glory, the glory of the One and Only, who came from the Father, full of grace and truth." John 1:14

I love realizing what Christmas is really about. I've been taught all my life that it's not about gifts or Santa or decorations or carols or cookies... I think many would insist that it's "Merry Christmas" instead of "Happy Holidays" because it's about Christ. But I'm coming to see that it's so much more than a baby in a manger. The Word became flesh. It's Emmanuel. It's God with us. That's life-changing. That's eternity-changing for those who believe.

My dad doesn't really like Christmas. Because of that, it's never been a big deal in our house... One aspect that I've come to enjoy in relation to that is that we don't feel tied to December 25th. It's not uncommon for us to exchange our few gifts on a different day. In fact, I would say it's uncommon for us to open presents on Christmas day. We decided yesterday afternoon to forego the time, effort, and materials for wrapping - and to just trade our gifts last night... That was really fun because (of course) I had been stocking up on things from Honduras for them, and I was excited to share the things I had chosen. I also received not one, but five Cubs shirts. I am now an official fan, thanks to my mom's talent for thrift store bargains!

Anyway... I enjoy the fact that we exchanged gifts before many people had even finished their last-minute shopping. For me, it took an emphasis off of those things. We by no means consider our holiday to be over just because the presents have been received. Instead, we can move on and focus on things of much greater significance.

Mom, Logan, and I spent a few hours at Children's Hospital today. Apparently much of the hospital shuts down on Christmas Eve and Christmas Day. The families who are stuck there over the holiday are often forced to eat food from the vending machines because the cafeteria is closed. In response to this, a few families who know what it's like to face a terrifying diagnosis, an uncertain treatment, and extended time in a very small hospital room have gathered together to organize the delivery of holiday meals to any and all patients, families, and staff members that they can find and feed.

It was an incredible experience to see God meet needs through this ministry. Many of us fought tears as some of the survivors tried to share faith and hope and the real sight of life after cancer and hair after baldness. One mom wept because of her son's recent diagnosis only to find out he has the same name and cancer as my sister and to feel the support and encouragement of other parents who have been there and want to help. I couldn't even count how many people were blessed with a hot holiday meal today in all areas of the hospital - on 4-Tower (the cancer floor), in the bone marrow transplant unit, in the ICU, and in other areas. Even though there are many strict regulations in healthcare these days, I hope and pray that things like this will continue to be allowed because I know they are important to all who are a part of that community.

Sidenote: As we entered the hospital, my sister said, "I hate this place..." The memories that she associates with that building are not positive. However, I see it differently. Every time I step foot on the premises, I can't help but dream of working there. Some see it as a place of sickness and death, but I see a place of healing and hope. Sometimes I wonder if I should go back to school to be a child-life specialist...

Tonight was the Christmas Eve Service at church, and I thoroughly enjoyed a simple time of worship, hearing the Word, and taking the Lord's Supper. I love the way that I feel perfectly at home at a worship gathering there, even when I'm in a room with almost 2,000 people that I don't know. And I love that in the last year and a half, I have gotten to know and to love many people there...

So while many children spend tonight thinking and dreaming of presents or staying up to track Santa online - my family will sleep soundly. But tomorrow does not bring disappointment. With it comes an abundant feast, a time of family worship, possibly a movie, and hopefully a lot of cooperation and productivity in the area of turning this house back into a home.

Have I mentioned the house looks great?!?! I definitely love the new flooring and the wall colors. I'm excited that my mom has a functioning laundry room once again... This has been and still is a lot of work, but I am praying that a day of completion and rejoicing is just around the corner. :)

Good night all!

"For to us a child is born,
to us a son is given,
and the government will be on his shoulders.
And he will be called
Wonderful Counselor, Mighty God,
Everlasting Father, Prince of Peace."
Isaiah 9:6

This is the Honduras that has stolen my heart...

Tonight, I rode in a truck, that was crowded in the cab and in the back, pretty far out of the city up onto another mountain to pass out food to a very poor village. It was so nice to be reminded of why I fell in love with Honduras in the first place... We bounced up the dirt roads. Then we pulled off the "road" past a gate made of barbed wire and drive through a corn field to find about 50 Hondurans joined together to worship. Their village has no electricity, so as our headlights illuminated the previously dark scene, we were amazed to find them standing in a circle on and in front of a shabby porch to sing. The children warmed up to us quickly (and literally) as we placed our arms around them and tried to protect their bare arms from the cold temperatures. It was obvious that they had not bathed in awhile, and I was pleased to realize that many minutes after I began to touch and love them without hesitation. I'm thankful that I had no reservations in giving love... We sang a few songs in Spanish and a few in English, and I did my best to speak in Spanish to a little eight-year-old girl named Erika who wouldn't leave my side until we all gathered around the back of the truck to pass out the food to the families. This village sustains itself by farming and selling produce (mostly cabbage). I feel like God is constantly opening my eyes to poverty in new and different ways. I was blessed to be standing in the right spot so that I ended up being the one to greet each mother, ask her how many children she has, find out how old they are, and hand her a bag of rice, lard, toothbrushes, toothpaste, toy cars, and balloons. I don't know much Spanish, but I used what I knew and it was enough... I'm thankful that hugs and smiles are universal. :)

In other news, I'm confused about how ear drops are supposed to work if you put them in and then it feels like they all come pouring back out as soon as you stop tilting your head... I've read a lot about flying with ear infections, and I think I'm as prepared as possible for terrible pain - but I would really appreciate a miracle right about now...

Time to catch up...

I feel like I've been writing (and thinking) the words, "I should..." a lot lately. Perhaps I'm not satisfied with the things I am doing and the moments in which I choose to do them. For instance, right now, I should be using this brief appearance of stillness and quiet in my classroom to grade papers or work on lesson plans [for January!]. However, I also know that I should share my life with others - especially since phone calls, emails, and Skype dates have been few and far between as of late.

So this post will be a long one - a multi-day endeavor, to grow and to change whenever I catch a moment or think of an anecdote to share.

Hopefully it will be worthwhile.

Today (Wednesday) is chilly here on the mountain. It's overcast and just lacking the 85-degree warmth that we have grown accustomed to in the last week. However, I guess chilly is relative, right? Because the thermometer in my classroom is telling me that it is 68-degrees. That's practically a dream for many of my friends and family this month - and yet my feet (and my students) tell me it is cold. It makes me question how well I will handle the two weeks and two days that I will spend in the States. Of course, many of my friends here are going home to places like Indiana, Michigan, Pennsylvania, Iowa, and South Dakota. I certainly can't complain! :)

Last Thursday night, we had our annual Academia Los Pinares Elementary Christmas Program. It was one of the craziest things I have experienced in Honduras so far... I know the Lord was gracious to me that night - giving me flexibility, joy, and contentment beyond explanation. I felt his grace in the form of a sort of divine Prozac on a night when I would ordinarily be mad at

• the children running around outside in the dark when they should have been meeting in their classroom...
• the poorly planned program, before which the music teacher (that I thought was in charge) came to me to ask what time we were supposed to be there...
• the parents who stood up, walked around, and talked THROUGHOUT the presentation
• the parents who came up to the stage to take pictures of their beautiful hijos (children) before, during, and after the singing..
• the fifth graders who, when asked to sit on the floor under the basketball goal, proceeded to talk, move around, play loudly, and do almost everything but respectfully and attentively watch the K-4 program...

I can only give credit to the Lord for the fact that this ordinarily high-strung teacher was able to laugh and relax and just roll eyes at all the disorganization and chaos. :)

Last weekend was a busy one... Friday night I stayed with Emily in the city. I still thoroughly enjoy the fact that we're both from the Birmingham area, both from Shelby County Schools, and both from Brook Hills - and yet we met in Honduras. We listened to the recordings of the most recent Secret Church about angels, demons, and spiritual warfare and had good discussions... Things like that are almost like professional development for us because we sometimes receive questions from students about such matters. For instance, one of my kids recently asked if Lucifer was an angel who chose to sin and rebel against God, then do or could the current good angels choose to sin? I love the way children don't just accept things and move on like I do so often at this point in my life - but sometimes they process and analyze and ask questions.

Saturday morning, we got up pretty early for a Saturday to have breakfast with some of our friends and two Honduran women that go to our church. Although I didn't hear from her for a while, Emily and I have been "adopted" through our church by Doña Ruth... (In Spanish, Doña is like saying "Mrs." when you don't feel right calling a woman who is older than you by only her first name. For instance, my mentor at home is and always will be Mrs. Leigh Ann to me... I never just call her Leigh Ann. It doesn't feel right!!!)

Anyway, Doña Ruth and her sister met us at a coffee shop to pick us up. Then they drove us to her house where we explored in her garden, chased her pet (more about that in a second), ate waffles, and felt like we were in a real home for a little while. They have a bird in their yard that is supposed to be very loud when strangers approach. The only problem is, this one is timid and just runs and hides... Sounds like a great guard-bird, right? We had never seen anything like it before, and they were unable to tell us an English equivalent for the name. It had legs like a road-runner, a body like a quail, a neck like a duck, and large eyes that were set pretty far back on its head. It was funny.

That afternoon, I made homemade banana pudding and sweet tea to take to the Christmas parties that I was attending that night and the next afternoon. I love to bring a taste of the south to these Yankees in Honduras. Haha... :)

That night, we had our Christmas party at our principal's house. We all brought terrible White-Elephant gifts to exchange. (That's when you re-gift something awful that has been given to you.) It was pretty funny. Teachers are usually good at this kind of thing because we get lots of wonderful goodies from students with sweet hearts and good intentions!

Sunday was full with a Christmas pot-luck in the afternoon (which actually made me a little sick, so instead of grading papers as I had planned - I just stayed in bed reading for the rest of the afternoon) and a Care Group Christmas party that night. I think most of us could have used a day off after our weekend!

After school on Monday, I went to a Honduran, hole-in-the-wall salon to get my hair trimmed. It was quite an interesting experience... It felt a little like Steel Magnolias meets Honduras. Of course, it's always intimidating to put your hair in the hands of someone you don't know, but that feeling intensifies a bit when that person doesn't speak your language. It went just fine, although it's a little shorter than I had imagined for a trim - but it doesn't really matter. I'm just glad that I'm finally getting to the point where I feel like I can really live life here instead of saving so many things to be done at home where it will be familiar and comfortable. For instance, Twana and I are planning to go to a dentist when we get back from the break. And I'm getting used to the fact that you pharmacies sell medicines over-the-counter without a prescription. I haven't bought anything yet, but when I run out of something from home - I think I will!

After school on Tuesday, I went with Erika to meet a friend at Dunkin Donuts. She was buying a computer from a Japanese friend who is moving back to Japan, so Erika, her brother, and I all went to meet the girl. It was such a weird experience to be sitting at a table among such different cultures where three languages were intermingling for a conversation. After that, we met our other roommates for Erika's birthday dinner at a large Chinese restaurant called Mirawa. The food was good and reminded me of PF Changs, and I particularly loved reading a menu and ordering Chinese food in Spanish!

Yesterday was very long... We have faculty meetings on Wednesdays after school and are all required to work until 4:30. After that, my care group rode the bus down the mountain and then took two taxis to the only bowling alley in Tegucigalpa. This was what Erika requested for our care group celebration for her birthday. We were the only ones there for awhile, and it looked and sounded like we were at home... We put the bumpers up to help Erika (because she can't see), but we were all glad to bowl with bumpers! I actually won the game with a whopping total score of 117... Even with bumpers, we weren't that great! We finally got home at 8:30 and then grilled hot dogs and made s'mores (also requested by Erika...). It was all good, but I would have been pleased to get home and go to bed earlier than ten.

So here I am today (Thursday), trying to make the best of my last full day with my students for this year. Tomorrow is a medio dia (a half day!) full of Christmas activities, a class party, and what I'm sure will amount to pure craziness!

They've actually gotten off to a great start today. They have a few assignments that need to be finished before the vacation, so they've been working diligently in their seats. It's like a Christmas miracle! Haha...

Speaking of a Christmas miracle - my lowest student, who failed four subjects on the last report card, got an A on his last reading test! PTL!!! I'm so proud of him. His mom has been exhausting herself and working with him every night, and he's showing some improvement!!! She was thrilled when I told her about it, and she said it was like her Christmas present... :)

I'm actually excited to be staying on the mountain today - or at least, that's the plan. I'm going to go to the nurse (actually - we have a school doctor. I know... It's a hard-knock life.) during my next break because my ear hurts. I'm just wanting to see if it's infected and if I need an antibiotic. If I don't have to go into the city for medicine today, then I plan to stay after school to get some work done and then I will PACK to come home on Saturday!!!

Tomorrow, I will be leaving at 2:30 and going with a group to a poor Lenca village to help pass out food and clothes to the people for a Christmas celebration... I got really excited about this opportunity when I received an email from my friend Sarah that said, "They have no electricity, so bring a flashlight, bug spray, and a sweatshirt...". We'll be back late Friday night, and then I'll be heading to the airport for a full day of travel on Saturday. It should be fun though because a lot of us are flying to Atlanta together, and then we can hang out during our layovers in the ATL airport... I really enjoy the fellowship that we have in this community of sojourners...

Update: I went to the nurse/doctor and was diagnosed with an ear infection in my right ear. She gave me antibiotics and ear drops and told me to put a cotton ball in my ear when I fly on Saturday. Please pray that it all goes smoothly in that department. My flight is scheduled to leave Tegus at 1:25 and I am praying that there will not be a delay. I have heard of eardrums bursting while flying, so pray that the medicine will start to work over the next two days and that my ears will be safe.

Finally, I want to praise the Lord and rejoice because of the good things that have been happening recently. For instance, my parents just got new flooring put down in their house, and I can't wait to see it. I hear it's GORGEOUS! They have been working hard to get things done, and it's so great to celebrate the victory that comes after the battle... That's another thing I've been learning in my Esther Bible study. After the Jews were saved and defeated the Persian enemies, they rejoiced with a holiday, had food, and gave gifts to each other and to the poor. I know we're not commanded to celebrate Christmas or Easter - but I think we can look at the examples of feasts of remembrance in the Bible and see that our God is pleased when we remember what He has done by celebrating together.

(If you've read all of this and made it all the way to the end, then I'm sorry if there are spelling and/or grammatical errors in this... It's too long to proofread!)

Sleepy Rambling

Just six more days, and I'll be back home.

I love that word, and I feel so sad for the people who don't (or feel like they don't) have one...

I can't wait to be back with my friends and my church and most of all - my family. I love my momma more than anyone else on the face of this earth, and I can't wait to talk to her and laugh with her and hug her small frame while never wanting to let go.

And I'm excited to see my daddy again. We're going to have a lunch date... I've grown so fond of that time that we set aside for just the two of us. We usually like each other the most in those moments. :)

Of course, I'm hoping this visit will show a continuation of the strengthening friendship and love that Logan and I share. Our age difference has always been hard, and I'm thankful for those moments when we realize just how precious it is to have a sister...

I'm feeling all kinds of sappy tonight, but thankfully - there's no time to ramble on about those things. I wish I had the time and energy to share all about the crazy Christmas program from last Thursday when I realized that kids are crazy and unreserved because their parents are. I also wish I could share my thoughts and reactions to the Secret Church sermon that we listened to on Friday night called "Angels, Demons, and Spiritual Warfare." Let's just say, it was a good reminder and call to fight the good fight and pray. I also wish I could recount every detail from my breakfast with my Honduran adoptive mom and the White Elephant gift exchange at the elementary faculty Christmas party. Perhaps I would even divulge about the experience of wearing shorts and flip flops to a Christmas party today... :)

But instead, I know that I need to go to bed. This week is likely to be a challenge, and I need as much energy as possible to face whatever lies ahead. On the bright side, I realized recently that these next six days will pass by at the same speed regardless of whether they are good or bad. Unfortunately, as I've been wishing time away and watching it fly lately, I've also realized that the same thing will happen while I am home for two weeks. I know it will disappear much more quickly than I would like.

For now, I'll just revel in the joy and hope that come with anticipation. :)

I'm so excited!

Last night, I was asleep by now.

Not tonight.

I'm wide awake.

I've started making Christmas dates with some of my favorite people, and as long as my mom doesn't kill me for being gone so much while I'm "home," then this is already shaping up to be one of my favorite holidays ever...

Unfortunately, I still have six and a half days of work to get through before any of this can happen, and the last thing I want to do right now is grade the papers in my backpack!

Overall, today was much better than yesterday. Sometimes it seems as though six more months of this will be unbearable and impossible. ("This" being teaching this particular class all day, every day.) However, the video that I watched tonight from my Esther Bible study reminded me to fight the good fight and to depend on God to empower me and to turn it all around.

It (the video) also reminded me of this new strong desire to be teaching the Word... Of course, that's ironic to me because I teach Bible everyday. Lately I've been envisioning what it would be like to teach Sunday school or a Bible study to girls or young women...

But I'm thankful for the voices of wisdom in my life who keep reminding me to enjoy the NOW. So for now, I will proclaim the Word to 22 fifth graders. :)

Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad Day...

Today is a day that I'm not going to want to store in the memory books - but how can you forget a day when the PE teacher brings your class back early because they were being so bad?

And how can you forget a day when you cried in the principal's office because you were at your wit's end?

And how can you forget a day when that same principal chewed your class up one side and down the other for 45 minutes while he gave you a free lunch and took their recess?

I'm going to try to start forgetting now. By going to bed. At 8:00.

It's a glamorous life I lead...

Sometimes I wonder, "Are these really my twenties?!?!"

Worn out by lunchtime

"In the same way, the Spirit helps us in our weakness. We do not know what we ought to pray for, but the Spirit himself intercedes for us with groans that words cannot express. And he who searches our hearts knows the mind of the Spirit, because the Spirit intercedes for the saints in accordance with God's will." Romans 8:26-27

Today is one of those days when I want to pray, and I know it is the only thing that I can do to keep going, but I don't know what to pray for...

For the last four hours, this classroom has been occupied with students who are bored, tired, and hyper all at the same time.

The elementary spiritual life director came in for a special Bible lesson, and after about five minutes of trying to get them to listen to her, she gathered her things and threatened to just leave.

So what do you pray when that happens?

Can I pray, "God, please shut them up..."?

Haha.

I don't know. But I know He's my only answer...

Just two and a half more hours. I can do this and still have sanity at the end of the day.

And just 12 more days!

For the record...

- Another benefit of living and working in Honduras = not being at church with Alabama fans today... (Sorry friends, but it's true. I used to hate going to church during football season - and yes, I realize that it goes both ways.)

- I miss worshiping in English and am so excited to go to Brook Hills four times while I'm at home!

- I just "spring cleaned" my room in an effort to try to find my external hard drive - to no avail. :(

- I realized this week that I am really going to miss camp.

- I'm excited to see my parents' house and all of the changes that they have been making. I love hearing about their progress.

- I'm currently sitting all alone in my room listening to some of my favorite worship music on itunes with my earphones, and I can't resist the urge to sing - even though my roommates can probably just hear my voice traveling through the door.

- Today was sunny, high 70's, and not a cloud in the sky... But I'm excited to go home to sweaters and scarves.

- I have a real desire to teach a girls' Bible study. When? Where? Who? No clue...

- I was recently informed that a good way to memorize Scripture is to write it on index cards, place the cards in ziploc bags, and hang the bags in the shower. Then instead of reading the shampoo bottle over and over again, you can read the Word. :)

- I have not yet found success, but I still desire to memorize all of Romans 8. So that will probably be the first thing that I hang in the shower...

- I thoroughly miss my family.

- I have two students that I wouldn't trade for anything in the world. There are stories that float around this compound of teachers who went home at Christmas and never came back - but I'll be back to keep my word and to spend six more months with two of the greatest kids I've ever met in my life.

- My friend Emily (also from Birmingham and Brook Hills) and I are going to have our own little Secret Church this Friday night.

- Even in Central America, I make a mean sweet tea.

- I still wish I could play the fiddle or the guitar, and yet I'm making no effort to learn either one.

- I get really excited when I think of my baby sister becoming a Montevallo Falcon. :)

- I'm already thinking of my travel plans for Spring Break - and I can't decide between Roatan, Honduras (and the ruins of Copan) or Costa Rica...

- At some point while I'm home, I am supposed to chat with two amazing women about some ways that I may be able to join their team that is putting together some incredible children's ministry curriculum about missions - and I hope and pray that the Lord will equip me to help in some way.

- If I come back here next year, I will most certainly come early for two weeks of language school. And if I don't come back, I would like to continue studying Spanish anyway.

- I'm singing in the faculty choir this Friday night for the Christmas program. I have no idea what I'm doing, but I enjoy it. :) We're singing "O Come, O Come Emmanuel" and "Light of the Stable" by Selah.

- This post is really for my mom who wishes that I would blog every day.

- There's a boy in my world now, and I get to see him three weeks from tomorrow... :)

- God is a great provider. My salary has been cut to a fourth of what it was last year, but He has provided in other ways, and I am actually able to save more this year than ever before.

- "For to us a child is born,
to us a son is given;
and the government shall be upon his shoulder,
and his name shall be called
Wonderful Counselor, Mighty God,

Everlasting Father, Prince of Peace."
Isaiah 9:6

It really struck a chord...

How often do random magazine or webzine articles bring tears to your eyes because they're telling your story? It just happened to me as I read "Goodbye Guilt."

Wow.

Did I write that in my sleep? No? Oh, so I'm not the only one who has struggled with these thoughts and ideas?

Okay...

Amidst the intense excitement about coming home for Christmas, and the strong possibility of moving back to The States in late June, exists a huge weight of guilt.

Why don't I want to stay here for the rest of my life?

Why do I long for "home" and think of going back there?

Why is my Honduras experience so lacking in discomfort or sacrifice?

Yes. The Sunday School answers resound with promises of God's sovereignty and His good plan for my life...

I don't know what my future holds - but He does.

My mom tried to comfort and reassure me with a statement that even though I may struggle with the guilt of only living here for one year, many people never even dedicate that much. My instant response was that I cannot find solace in constantly comparing myself to others.

But just as quickly as I responded with that statement, I realized that part (or possibly most) of my guilt actually does stem from comparison. Instead of comparing myself to those who don't, I'm thinking of those who do. I'm thinking of my friends here who have already upgraded their one-year contract to a two-year commitment. I'm thinking of all the conversations in which I have heard and discussed that this school and these students need consistency and a community that is dedicated on a more long-term basis.

Guilt or no guilt, I will follow the Lord - even if that means following Him home.

I'm thankful that He has brought me here and that I have six and a half months remaining in this adventure.

I'm thankful that returning to a life in the United States does not mean the end of ministry or missions.

God can use me in Honduras, and He can use me at home.

So now I'm hopeful about my future and seeking His guidance one detail at a time...

Busy Bee...

As expected, the holiday season is upon us (even in tropical Honduras), and that means fewer blog posts. It's ironic though, because in the time when there's more to share - there's less sharing. Haha. Sorry about that.

Time for a rewind... I already posted about my Thanksgiving day. Honduras doesn't actually celebrate Thanksgiving because you know... the Pilgrims didn't settle a colony here or give thanks with these Native Americans. Anyway, no Thanksgiving = no Black Friday. However, a group of about 12-15 of us went back to Valle de los Angeles for some Christmas shopping. I'm flying with Delta two weeks from today, and I'm starting to think I'll have one 50-pound suitcase of things to leave at home after Christmas and another 50-pound suitcase of Christmas gifts for friends and family. I'm so excited... :)

That was also the day of the Iron Bowl, and I got home during halftime to a score that really surprised me. I had been preparing myself for a slaughter. Then I was only able to watch the third quarter because we were leaving again - but I enjoyed seeing my Tigers beating the Tide for a little while...

That evening, Twana, Hannah, Christa, John, and I took the rapidito (smallish bus that costs fifty cents to ride from the mountain into the city) into Tegus and squeezed into a taxi to go stay at the guest house owned and run by World Gospel Mission. Twana's aunt and uncle are missionaries here and part of their job is running this small compound. When they have teams in town doing ministry, they all stay there. However, we had the place all to ourselves! We hung out, played games, baked cookies, watched Fried Green Tomatoes, and slept... It was really nice because it felt like a relaxing getaway, even though we were just in the middle of the city. For those of you who know me really well, you know that I prefer to sleep to the sound of a small tabletop fan that sounds similar to a jet engine. The Lord surprised me with such a huge blessing in a small package when I walked into the room that Twana and I would share, only to see a fan exactly like the one I have at home sitting on the headboard of my bed!

We went to the mall that Saturday afternoon and purchased things for an operation shoebox that our faculty is putting together... It's for a school in the dump. Can you believe that? A school in a dump? It serves 138 children - and we're hoping to bless each and every one of them for Christmas.

That night we played speed Scrabble (seriously, my new favorite game) and enjoyed a pizza dinner with Twana's aunt and uncle before they brought us home.

Last Sunday was election day. Overall, it passed very peacefully. The last president was from the liberal party, and now the pendulum has swung to the other side and the country has elected the candidate from the conservative party. Unfortunately, that news was also followed with claims that he is even more corrupt than the guy he's replacing. Welcome to Honduras...

While Birmingham dealt with high temperatures in the 50's or something like that last Sunday, we were laying out and sweating at Twana's house. :)

Monday was declared a national holiday because of the elections, so we didn't have school. Instead, I went with six other people to a local national park called La Tigre. It's in a cloud forest (somewhat similar to a rain forest) at about 7,500 ft. elevation. We hiked for two and a half hours to a beautiful waterfall... Unfortunately, there's nothing quite like a trail marked "dificultad fuerte" (strong difficulty) to show you just how old and out of shape you are... even when you're just 25. Also, when half of a trail goes steeply downhill on the way to your destination - that means half of your trail will go steeply UPHILL as you try to return to your point of origin... My knees hurt for the next 24 hours!

This school week has been fine. As usual, the kids are getting hyper and excited about the holidays... I still think my favorite moments in the day come during reading class. We're reading Number the Stars together, and they're so sucked into the story. Then the moments when they spread out and read are so quiet and peaceful. :)

It was a busy workweek because progress reports went home yesterday. Many of them are disappointed with their grades. Thankfully, they will have two weeks between now and Christmas and two weeks after to try to improve.

I think my favorite kid-quote of the week was, "Miss... My breath smells. Like cheese." :)

Wednesday night, my care group met at Ben and Joy's apartment for dinner. Their place is so warm and welcoming (unlike mine) and it's also decorated for Christmas. It was so nice to watch them cook together and join together for some good food.

Thursday night was even more of an adventure. I attended a fancy Christmas dinner for parents and teachers at a really nice restaurant called La Cumbre. It's here on the mountain and looks out over the city. It was decorated for Christmas and approximately 120 of us sat around one LONG table. Something about it and the dim lighting felt like medieval times... Or maybe it just reminded me of feasts at Hogwarts in the Harry Potter movies. :) It was nice to get all dressed up and to eat a yummy dinner of salad, turkey, ham, stuffing, green bean casserole, sweet potato casserole, cranberry sauce, and a roll. Unfortunately, Hondurans eat really late. Our dinner started at 7:30 and we didn't get home until 10:30. That was way past my bedtime!

Last night I just relaxed in bed and talked on Skype. Now I'm in for a day of grading papers and watching the SEC championship... And possibly packing to come home! I need to figure out which things I haven't been using here so that I can take them back to Alabama. I'M COMING HOME TWO WEEKS FROM TODAY!!! =D

And in closing, here's a cheesy and yet true quote I heard the other night...

"God + Nothing = Everything."

Chew on that for a while... :)

Election Day

It feels as if all of Honduras is holding its breath today...

It's Election Day 2009, and this one's been a long time coming. Mel Zelaya was removed from office June 28th, and they've successfully kept him out for five months. (And he's been holed up in the Brazilian embassy for two of those five!) Many people here hold these elections as the greatest chance for real peace and progress.

But it already comes at a price.

A couple of nights ago, a man was killed as he walked down the street. Some would claim this was random, but he just happened to be carrying a voting box. There are military and police all over to monitor the voting stations. We got an email this morning from the US Embassy warning us against threats being made against US Carriers (Delta, US, Continental, etc.) flying into Tegus today. It also said that both Honduran borders would be closed between Nicaragua and El Salvador. The scary part is, I know of at least one teacher who is scheduled to fly in today from visiting her family for Thanksgiving, and we have four teachers in El Salvador this weekend.

Zelaya's supporters, more affectionately known as "la resistencia" (the resistance) are calling for people to stay home and boycott the election. I've heard from many people who are planning to vote, but many of them are definitely scared and tense about what may happen. They also wonder if their vote will even matter or if this government that has long been known for corruption has already chosen the next leader.

It's definitely a day to pray.

The Lord brings the counsel of the nations to nothing;

he frustrates the plans of the peoples.

The counsel of the Lord stands forever,

the plans of his heart to all generations. Psalm 33:10-11

The king’s heart is a stream of water in the hand of the Lord;

he turns it wherever he will. Proverbs 21:1

Therefore I exhort first of all that supplications, prayers, intercessions, [and] giving of thanks be made for all men for kings and all who are in authority, that we may lead a quiet and peaceable life in all godliness and reverence. 1 Timothy 2:1-2

My God is faithful...

Thank you to anyone and everyone who happened to see my post from this morning and who took a few moments to lift me up in prayer... My day got better and better as it went on. After the Macy's parade, I spent some time in prayer and working on my Esther Bible study. Then I took a shower, packed a small bag, and headed over to Twana's for a full day and a sleepover. I made stuffing for our potluck Thanksgiving meal (just like Momma' does - baked with cream of chicken soup spread over the top...) and then gorged on ham, stuffing, mashed potatoes, and rolls followed by seconds and both pumpkin pie and peach cobbler. We had about 20 or 25 people gathered together for our feast, and it was wonderful. We really enjoy our time together like that.

Then we played a card game called Dutch Blitz. We play so many games here that I have never heard of. I feel like some random card games would be wonderful Christmas gifts (hint, hint Mom...) haha.

Then I spent some downtime at Twana's playing on the computer and even watching some "webisodes" of Say Yes to the Dress (definitely a dirty pleasure...) online before going back to the Parson's house to play Speed Scrabble. I'm still not very good at it, but that's probably my favorite of the new games that I've learned since August 8th.

So all in all, it was a wonderful Thanksgiving. I'll still be looking forward to the next time I'm at home for family traditions, even though I feel like I may become the host of those traditions in the near future. I say bring it on... :)

Oh my...

I could use a little extra prayer today. Yes, I am thankful for the details of my life, but it is hard to be here on a day like today. Mom and I shared a difficult moment, complete with tears, on the phone this morning. It's the first Thanksgiving that we haven't been together in my whole life.


It's funny how we handle it differently. I'm grasping for some semblance of the holiday I know and love... I set my alarm to wake me up in time for the Macy's parade (which, by the way, is so weird when you see it for the first time after actually going there and walking down those streets!), and I'm going to a potluck Thanksgiving dinner later today where I will be keeping my fingers crossed for a piece of pumpkin pie... Mom, on the other hand, doesn't want to do the traditional things, partly because I'm not there and it's not the same.


We can do this, right? Just three more weeks until we're together again... We won't even think about how long it will be between January 4th and June 20th.

There's no place like home for the holidays... but "whatever i have, wherever I am, I can make it through anything in the One who makes me who I am." Philippians 4:13 (The Message)


As promised, here are a couple of pictures from yesterday. :)





And for more, you can go to http://www.facebook.com/album.php?aid=2034907&id=58900083&l=22fde0c767

Happy Thanksgiving?

School's out for Thanksgiving. We had a half-day today, complete with a Thanksgiving party... It's funny. In the States, you're lucky if you get a Christmas and end-of-the-year party these days. Everything else can only be a "special snack," and I'm really not sure if I've ever heard of a class celebrating Thanksgiving... But don't worry. Hondurans like to party. So we have a fiesta for like eight different holidays during the year.

Today was also a jeans day, which means the vast majority of our students looked like normal kids for once! It's always a treat when they don't have to wear their uniforms... I took a few pictures, and I'll try to post them soon.

At 12:30, our faculty, staff, and families gathered in a banquet hall down the road for a catered Thanksgiving feast. My only complaint about that is that we didn't start eating until 1:30, and I was being a bit silly and immature - feeling completely incapable of being serious and thankful due to my growling stomach. Other than that, it was nice to see so many people gathered together and enjoying some good food. We had turkey, which isn't even a Thanksgiving tradition for mi familia. We're ham kind of people. My favorites of all the items on my plate, however, were the rolls (of course) and the mashed potatoes. :)

The best part of my day (so far) came after the dinner. Twana, Hannah, and I changed and met on the soccer field with blankets and books to lay out and read (I'm currently reading The Westing Game, and I'm intrigued...). We didn't get much sun, but it was so relaxing and warm. Is it really the day before Thanksgiving? This is madness...

I should be in bed...

I can't believe that work starts again bright and early tomorrow morning. This weekend feels like it has evaporated.

The most surprising and exciting point in my weekend came yesterday afternoon around 4:30 as I was lying on my bed and stalking my friend Kassi on Facebook. I heard a knock on my door and Twana busted in saying, "Come jump on the bungee cord trampoline with me!" The Catholic church across the street had set up this contraption similar to those you often see in a mall or something like that, and it was free to participate. We walked over there and met up with three other teachers, and the next thing I knew, my shoes were off and the harness was on.

I started by jumping a little bit while they lifted the bungee cord. Then, next thing I knew, this Honduran guy was hanging onto my harness and sling-shotting me up into the air... I definitely screamed and squealed, because the height surprised me. From that point on, my feet didn't really touch the trampoline, and I would kick my feet (with pointed toes) when I got scared at the top... Every time I would stop going quite so high, the guy would catch me and sling-shot me sky-high again. I didn't have the courage to attempt a flip, but at one point I did realize that I should look out and see what was around me as I looked over the trees. Apparently I entertained my friends because I was laughing and squealing and talking to them, and the next thing they knew I was saying, "Hey! There are horses over there!"

Seriously... You never know what your day will be like in Honduras.

We're trying to keep that in mind as we try once again to travel to the Pacific at the end of this week because of our days off for Thanksgiving. The elections are scheduled for next Sunday, and there are rumors that the city will be blocked off starting on either Wednesday or Friday, preventing anyone from getting into or out of Tegus. I think I'll be okay if we get blocked in - but I'm not super-thrilled about the idea of getting blocked out.

The key to life in Honduras is flexibility.

I bought some twinkle-lights at the grocery school last weekend, and I hung them up tonight. I like them so much, they just might stay in place until June. :)

I feel like a broken record as I sing the praises of the ways the Lord speaks to me through the Esther Bible study, but it's definitely happened again today. I watched the seventh video session, and I was so blessed by the ways it spoke to my circumstances and my questions. I've always been a bit of a control freak, even in my relationship with the Lord and in seeking His plans for my life. I'm usually looking to the details of the next steps and how He's working everything out and just asking Him to give me wisdom and show me what He is doing and what He wants... And now is no exception.

But the scenarios addressed this week really targeted my struggles...

"It's tough being a woman who feels responsible for the 'how'."
Even as I consider the options of the end results, I'm trying to figure out the means... But 2 Peter 2:9 and Psalm 103:14 are just a couple of examples that show us that The Lord knows how!

"It's tough being a woman who can balance passion with patience."
This one talked about waiting on the Lord and longing for something while you wait - but trusting in Him to use the wait for a purpose and to bring the whirlwind answer at the perfect time.

I'm feeling comforted...

I'm thankful for the amazing, godly women that God has placed in my life to give me sound council - Mom, Faith, Katherine, Kassi, Mrs. Leigh Ann, and others...

I'm thankful that even a sermon on giving from Malachi points me in the right direction toward my answers.

And I'm thankful that December is only a month away... :)

Yes - I should be teaching now...

I just want to take a minute to document this wonderful day. We've actually had a great week (as a whole) and I'm thrilled in moments like this when I can look out all over my peaceful classroom and see 22 sets of eyes that are glued to the pages of books.

Praise You Lord for the beautiful moments that, though fleeting, keep us going...

Today is...

November 19th.

Do you know what that means???

I'm coming home in ONE MONTH!!!

In fact, I'm coming home four weeks from Saturday.

And I feel pretty confident that the next month will pass quickly. After all, next week is just half a week of school. Then I'm leaving with a group Thursday morning and going to Amapala - which is the south beach here in Honduras. It's nothing glamorous - except for the volvano and black sand... :) That should be adventurous.

Then when we return, I'm sure that just like at home - we will be full-swing into the wonderful madness that is the Christmas season... We have a Christmas bazaar/program to prepare for and have, and at some point I think there are a couple of Christmas parties for the teachers, on top of the class party that I guess we'll have on the 18th.

The time has been passing quickly ever since we started teaching for full weeks, so I know home will be here before I know it. It's incredibly tempting to live for the future - but for now, the present is calling... It's time to check the homework, prepare the morning devotion, look over the math lesson, and make sure these crazy loons are following directions on their morning work.

Que les vaya bien... :)

And the greatest of these is love...

I was late for devotions this morning (as usual...). I don't know what my problem is. I usually consider myself to be a fairly punctual person. However, when it comes to devotions at 6:55 - it's like there's a magnetic force holding me in my apartment no matter how early I get up.

When I walked in, I was surprised to see one of our newest employees, who has been here for about a week or two, sharing. It just seemed like it was a little early for him to be in the devotion rotation. Anyway - I'm sad that I missed part of what he shared because it's obvious that it really meant a lot to a lot of people, and it's come up in bits and pieces of conversations throughout the day.

He was talking about love, and he questioned and challenged how well we show genuine love to people who are hard to love.

He talked about how faith, hope, and love abide; but the greatest of these is love. Why is love the greatest? Because it is the only one that will never change. One day, faith will be sight and hope will be reality - but love is everlasting.

He read 1 Corinthians 13 and was choked up all the way through it.

In his translation, it said love is not easily angered - and that really resounded with me as I thought about how often my class feels hard to love. That has really been something I have been challenged with this year. Even when they are being loud or silly or rude and I can't hear myself think, much less get a word in edgewise, I'm learning to not be easily angered. Even when I'm displeased, I can be calm and just wait.

As I've gone through my day and heard more about what he shared, I learned that he really focused on the truth from 1 John 4:8 which says, "Anyone who does not love does not know God, because God is love."

If God is love, then 1 Corinthians 13 changes - and it is no longer just an impossible and overwhelming list of rules about how we should love our spouse or our children or our annoying students... It becomes more like something we receive...

God is patient.

God is kind.

God does not envy.

He does not boast.

He is not proud.

God is not rude.

He is not self-seeking.

God is not easily angered.

God keeps no record of wrongs. (because of the blood of Christ!)

He does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth.

God always protects...

Always trusts...

Always hopes...

Always perseveres...

God never fails.

My cup overflows... :)

This morning, as I rode on the school bus through the city on the way to church and looked around at this place that I call "home" this year, I struggled to fight back tears of joy and thanksgiving. I LOVE IT HERE. As I look at the people and the places, all I see is beauty...

Last night, I was journaling my prayers, and this is part of what I wrote:

"The blessings in my life abound. I can't believe this is the life You've chosen for me. It actually feels too good, like something really bad is going to happen soon.
I am so thankful that I can cling to You for stability. This year feels like it should be a valley because my life is harder, I'm away from my family, my class is worse, my living situation is awkward, etc. However, this feels like a mountaintop.
And yet I haven't done anything to deserve it.
But You have not only given me everything I need... You've given me so much of everything that I want."

One of the newest additions to the list of experiences here was going to the stadium in the city last night to watch Honduras beat Latvia 2-1. It was really loud... A lot of the fans buy these plastic horns and basically blow on them through the WHOLE game... It's better to sit close to the top so nothing gets thrown on you, but seats are first-come, first-serve. There are people walking through the stands selling beer, food, cigarettes, gum, and more - and they walk through the seats and basically climb and drip all over you. That wasn't my favorite part. However, I thoroughly enjoyed jumping and singing "Ole!!! Ole! Ole! Oleeeee!!!" when we scored. And - Hondurans like to do the wave too! :)

I feel like I'm learning so much here. I really hope it all sinks in so I can genuinely look back on this as a life-changing experience.

This morning, I was really convicted about some grand statements that I've made lately that have revealed a lack of submission in my life - as if I think I'm in control and making my own plans which I expect others to try to fit into. I'm learning that God is the provider of life to the fullest - not matter where that life is planted. It's His time. It's His place. It's His job. It's His family. It's His friends. It's His ministry. It's His heart...

What a week...

This week has been a whirl-wind. It's nice to sit back and realize that it went by quickly. On the other hand, weeks like this demand downtime for recovery...

Most of my days were crazy as usual. We had some rough moments - like this morning when Roberto turned to me and said over all the noise going on during unpacking time, "Miss... I can't hear myself think!" I told him, "I know. That's how I feel all the time!" And yet - what's the solution? Yelling over them to tell them to quiet down seems oddly inappropriate. We also had some good times... Our Bible lesson this week was about the Ten Commandments (which was nice considering I taught about them at camp this summer) and I definitely taught my kids the song that has helped me remember them ever since VBS in 2001. They were part of the theme song for Truth Trackers, and now they'll hopefully stick in the minds of 21 Hondurans and 1 North American...

Speaking of singing, they also insisted on calling my daddy and singing "Happy Birthday" to him via Skype this morning. It was something we did for Mom, and they didn't want him to be left out.

Happy birthday, Daddy!

Tuesday and Wednesday were half-days for the students so we could spend our afternoons conferencing with parents. Here at Pinares, students can only receive their 9-week report cards if their parents come pick them up at a parent teacher conference. This was a new experience for me because although we were "required" to have two parent conferences per year at Vincent, it never really happened. As it turns out, I believe conferences hold the teacher accountable just as much as the students... It is a time to look into the eyes of someone who cares deeply and to really evaluate the grades much more closely than when they are just entered into the gradebook or computer as quickly as possible.

So in that light, there's nothing quite like 21 parent-teacher conferences in 28 hours to make you feel like a terrible teacher. After all, if they're failing - is it because I'm failing them?

And those same 21 parent-teacher conferences can also leave you feeling very inexperienced and clueless. What do you say when a parent looks at you helplessly and asks, "So what do we do to help her (or him)?"

So - I've tried to raise the bar on my teaching this week. I feel like I've spent the last nine weeks trying to keep things fun for the kids to minimize boredom. I've constantly focused on switching up my instructional methods from whole-group to small groups to partners to independent studies in order to fight against routine and to keep the kids interested while simultaneously minimizing protests and complaining. Unfortunately, I'm not sure I've had learning that results from quality instruction at the top of my priority list. This week I realized that their growth has to come before their entertainment.

So this week, I've tried to be much more hands-on... Of course, I can't promise that they're listening. In fact, with this group - I can pretty much guarantee that at least a fourth of them are not at any given time. However, it seems like this will be a year when at the very least, I won't go down without a fight... Unfortunately, this has also meant that productivity on tasks such as grading and lesson plans was lowered drastically during the school day. It's funny because we're required to have our weekly lesson plans finished and papers graded by Friday afternoons. That means that we have to do it all during the week. It's nice to try to quit the habit of spending each weekend on school things, but it's funny because the weekend sometimes feels like the only time when the days are long enough to get anything done. So the battle ensues between dedicating devoted attention to instruction and monitoring students' work all day, or using testing and assignment times to accomplish tasks that could consume the after-school hours.

I feel like I'm rambling.

A few days ago, someone asked me how long I've been teaching... That's such an awkward question because I've technically taught for two and a half years (three as of next month) - but this is my fourth class.

I can't believe that. This is my fourth class...

I've taught about 95 kids - and if they remember me as they grow up, I will forever be included in the list of their elementary school teachers. I still remember every teacher I had when I was little... I can't believe I am one of them now.

So tonight has turned into a night of movies and coloring. Yes. That's right. I'm 25 years old and I've been coloring for a few hours. It's very relaxing. So are You've Got Mail (my favorite!) and Sweet Home Alabama. In fact - it's time for a dvd change. On to Serendipity... :)

Oh, and it's also past time to call Mom.

But before I do, I know I need to add a few things to my list of things that I can't wait to do over Christmas break - I'll be coming home five weeks from tomorrow!!!!!!!

• burn the midnight oil at Jason's Deli with Megan (and hopefully Tina, Lolita, Big Rhonda, and Milton Thorton - if they decide to show up) and maybe even a sleepover!
• finally hear the story of Sarah's engagement (and if you're reading this and you know it, please don't ruin it for me... I've been waiting until she can tell me in person!) and maybe even see her new house.
• hopefully have dinner and spend a little time with Charli the girl... :)
• eat at Chickfila, Jim n Nick's, Zaxby's, Taco Bell, Don Pepe, and Mi Casita...

I'm not sure two weeks and two days are enough time for all these wonderful blessings...

In the holiday spirit...

So - visions of sugar-plums have been dancing in my head all day... Except not really. But I have definitely had Christmas on the brain! We've got a bit of a cold snap going on here, so maybe that's part of it... It really hit me this morning that the next time I am home - it will be full-on Christmas season! I'M SO EXCITED!!!!

I can't wait to:

• go to the Brook Hills Christmas Eve service
• drive around looking at Christmas lights
• go to Starbucks for hot chocolate
• drive past the Summit to see if they have the dreidels again
• eat lots of yummy food... :)
• watch Christmas movies (Elf and The Santa Clause!)
• give and receive gifts
• drive Caroline and listen to 96.5 (confession - i'm streaming it right now!!!!)
• sleep in my bed
• spend time with my family
• see Faith, Katherine, Leslie, and Mrs. Leigh Ann
• see Jera, John, Rachel, and lots of extended family!!!
• see the boy
• see Miranda and Nashville
• go to Brook Hills on Dec. 20th, Dec. 27th, and Jan. 3rd!!!!!!!!!!

I've definitely had, "Oh there's no place like home for the holidays... 'Cause no matter how far away you roam... If you want to be happy in a million ways... For the holidays you can't beat home, sweet home" stuck in my head ALL DAY. But I think it's been more like the version from the Lowe's commercial. How weird is that? I'm not even sure I've seen that commercial. (I did, however, see a commercial for Taco Bell that made me a little misty-eyed last night.)

If I had twinkle lights - I would untangle and hang them tonight!

But since I don't, I'll just decorate the blog. That's right - I'm skipping Thanksgiving. It's okay though. One of my students told me on Monday that his family put up their tree last weekend! :)

Perfectionism and Failure...

My momma says I don’t update this enough anymore. If Momma says you should do something, you’d better do it without questioning…

I’m still working my way, a few days a week, through Beth Moore’s Bible study workbook on Esther. I love how even in my inconsistency with it, the lessons delivered come with perfect timing.

Today wasn’t particularly wonderful or terrible. I had a little bit of a sore throat, so I didn’t really have the energy to fight against incessant talking and silliness. At the end of the day, I just felt like being quiet and being alone.

I came home to a Bible study lesson administering a warning about perfectionism… It questioned when Haman started on the path that was focused on the pursuit of greatness but that lead toward his decisions and his destruction. Then it told the story of a woman who was told throughout her childhood that she was destined for greatness. After many years of adulthood that did not meet the expectations built up for her, she said, “If your identity is wrapped in the magnificent things you’re destined to achieve – as a great writer, musician, scientist, politician, chef – the thought that you might produce something mediocre can be devastating.”

This is so true in my own life. I’ve always been successful in my endeavors. Even in teaching, I have received many words of affirmation and encouragement claiming that I have a natural gift that shines past my youth and inexperience. Yet, here I am – clueless. And to me, the worst part is facing what I view as failure day after day and continuously realizing and admitting that I’m not sure of the best ways to reach and teach these kids.

And I’ve left behind a job where I received ample praise for one where I often feel unnoticed or seen only for my class’s problems.

But then there is this challenge filled with hope:

“Christ summons the disillusioned to the paradoxical bliss of spilling life lavishly, sacrificially for the glory of God and the good of man. Those with presence of mind and semblance of health are called to pour out the drink offering of their lives until the cup is overturned and every drop of energy slips – perhaps unnoticed, uncelebrated – into the vast ocean of earthly need. The last imperceptible drop of your well-lived life will sound to the hosts of heaven like a tidal wave hitting the floor of the Grand Canyon.
In effect Christ says, 'I'm already great enough for both of us,' relieving the willing of their woeful burden. 'Just follow me.'”

So I have to question myself…

“For am I now seeking the approval of man, or of God? Or am I trying to please man? If I were still trying to please man, I would not be a servant of Christ.” Galatians 1:10

Am I satisfied with only God’s pleasure in my desire and effort to live out His calling?

I love market day....

These are just some of the reasons I love market days... Some other reasons include fresh pineapple, limes, onions, and more. Apparently grapefruit are delicious, and I've been missing out all these years. And I love the prices. I got 7 grapefruit for about fifty cents. I got all those green beans for about fifty cents. I got lettuce for twenty-five cents, and broccoli for the same price. The corn was a dollar. The most expensive items were the tomatoes and the strawberries. Both were $1.50 for the amounts that I selected. The peppers were five cents each, and the cucumbers were 3 for fifty cents. I'm not really sure yet what I will do with the carrots, but I got all of them and two onions for a dollar. Wow... I will miss this when it's not available to me anymore. (If these prices are the same as those back home - please don't burst my bubble... I have never exactly been a produce connoisseur.)

I also got to see my favorite market lady again today, and she remembered me! She asked how my birthday was and if I had cake. I finally remembered to ask her name. Unfortunately, I'm not very good at understanding Spanish names yet. I think she said her name is Juanita, so I'll just go with that until I find out something different. haha... I love visiting her and supporting her. I'm excited to build a familiarity there.

This week has been pretty reflective for me. On Tuesday afternoon, Sarah and I spontaneously ventured into the city to a coffee shop called Espresso Americana. I, of course, got something other than coffee, and then we walked around El Centro and looked around in some second-hand shops. I love the moments like that when I look around and say, "I live in Honduras." And the thing is, I absolutely love it. I'm still a little unsure about my love for this school or for my job in general - but I LOVE this country. I love seeing the mountains and the tropical trees and flowers. I love hearing the language and walking through the streets on the crazy or nonexistant sidewalks. I think the people are beautiful. Tomorrow is the three-month anniversary of the day when I got on that plane by myself and ventured into the unknown. It's so different from home, but I think it's wonderful.

I wish I could say that I knew why the Lord wanted me to spend time here, but I'm not completely sure. The ministry to and love for my class here feels pretty equivalent to what I had at Vincent. Actually, it was easier to love the kids at home. I've struggled a lot already with my class. On days when they're driving me nuts, I would describe them as loud, rude, disrespectful, and selfish. On the good days, I try to say they're fun or entertaining. I'm learning that my love for others is often extremely conditional - but it's not supposed to be...

So in that way, I'm learning about unconditional love - like the love that my heavenly Father has for me... He doesn't love me more on a day when I follow the rules and am well-behaved. And He doesn't love me less when I'm particularly selfish or defiant.

He just loves me.

It's so humbling to realize you're receiving something every single day of your life that you do not deserve.

I'm learning about grace.

And I think that when you become so highly aware of receiving it, it makes it easier to give.

I'm seeing that in my relationships. When someone else sees past your weaknesses and faults and imperfections and they still want to be with you - it's humbling. And when you become increasingly more aware of the grace being given to you, there's this natural response of grace given in return that stems from such an overflow of gratitude. I've been observing the marriages around me, and I think it's just one more (major) way that marriage reflects the relationship of Christ and the church.

Anyway... That's enough deep-thinking for one post. I've got Skype conversations to have and fruits and veggies to put away. Goodnight! :)

My birthday!!!

So this is a little delayed, since my birthday was October 24th - but I finally got my birthday pictures from Melissa's camera! I had an incredible day here celebrating 25... It all started at the market bright and early where some of my friends talked to the man on the microphone and got him to announce my birthday to everyone. Then Joy used the mic to lead the whole market in singing happy birthday to me in Spanish. After shopping, my care group took me to brunch at the Intercontinental Hotel. It was delicious, and I felt like a spoiled princess. We took our time and ate way too much. Then we hung out by the pool for a little while before doing a little shopping at the mall and going to see a movie. Then my day was completed by flowers, birthday brownies made from scratch, games, and Skype. :)

You can see more pictures by clicking here!

This morning

This morning I wish...

• that papers graded themselves.
• that mornings didn't come quite so early.
• that December 19th wasn't seven weeks and 2 days away.
• that flights were cheaper.
• that fifth graders were more reserved and less needy.
• that a Honduran would franchise a Chickfila.
• that another Honduran would franchise a Zaxby's.
• that I wasn't so addicted to my computer.
• that feelings were more consistent and stable.
• that Auburn was better at football.
• that I knew a few more details of God's plan for my future (and maybe my present.)
• that I was better at teaching Bible.
• that I went to bed earlier last night.
• that Honduras had fall.
• that I knew what to share in staff devotions on Monday.
• that I could take a vacation.
• that I could hug Malie Kate and James and "see" the growth of Baby Alexander.
• that I read more.
• that I was reading in a hammock in the place that is pictured in my computer screen background.
• that my sister had a full-ride to college with complete discernment about the direction of her future.
• that my parents' home renovations were complete.
• that I could spend an afternoon listening to southern gospel and playing Scrabble with my granny.

This morning I have:

• beautiful sunshine streaming into my classroom with a gentle, refreshing breeze flowing through.
• Dr. Pepper. :)
• a radio station streaming Rick and Bubba into my headphones. Or are they called earbuds now?
• 22 students who know how to do math but don't understand the wording of the questions on their test from the textbook and therefore may do very poorly.
• a desire to just read aloud and not actually teach.
• a love for Fruit Loops...
• a gracious God.
• an appreciation for children with accents.
• a thankful heart for rebellious boys who finally decide to do their work and be agreeable - even if just for one or two days.
• a stack of 22 post-it notes full of 5th grade prayer requests and praises - with only one for a dog.
• a beautifully decorated classroom door.
• a wonderful Honduran roommate with whom I hope to be lifelong friends.
• internet in my classroom. :)
• a new Brook Hills sermon downloaded to my podcast.
• a sweet student who seems to think I need a pet.
• excitement about the fact that tomorrow is pajama day. :)
• a student reading over my shoulder and telling me to write in Spanish...
• a need to stop blogging and start being a good teacher again. :)

Tengan un buen dia!

Written by a student...

This is a paragraph written by one of my students today...

"If I was a teacher for a day, I would be like Miss Bentone. I would be funy and kind. I would sho the students that we need to be pationt. I would show that all has a fruit of the spirit, and would show them to help pour people. Miss Bentone you are a good example for me thank you."

Apparently I'm not a great example of spelling or grammar - but this was so sweet!

Songs...

My sister and I have long been captivated by music, but we were born to a set of parents who just don't get it... (Love you Mom and Dad!) I remember numerous times during my teenage years when I would feel so moved by song lyrics and I would beg my mom to listen to the song, feeling ever hopeful that she would be emotionally moved and that her life would somehow be changed by the words, only to have her respond with lacking enthusiasm in comparison to my own. I've always said that I really like music, but that the lyrics were the most important part to me. I don't have a lot of technical knowledge, but if I think it sounds good and if I like the words, then I will probably really enjoy it. So here are some lyrics that are really catching my attention these days...

When I think about my life and the ways the Lord is working out the details of His plan for me:
Bring the Rain by Mercy Me
Bring me joy, bring me peace
Bring the chance to be free
Bring me anything that brings You glory
And I know there'll be days
When this life brings me pain
But if that's what it takes to praise You
Jesus, bring the rain

This song played a pretty big role in my year of desiring an opportunity to serve the Lord in another country:
Stranger by Mandi Mapes
Father, what do you think of me
And my life?
What do I lack in Your eyes?
Gracious God, Please come and
Change my heart so I can be Your bride
I have nothing to offer
But when you're in me
Nothing is impossible
So we sing...
This world is not my home
I am a stranger in this country
Jesus in me
Will you pour me out
I'm ready to abandon
All my shiny things
My family
And this American dream, Lord
Come take it all from me
Until there's nothing left but You

Life update...

Praise the Lord for the weekend. It always comes at the perfect time... :) This weekend feels a little special because I worked really hard for the last few days so that I would be able to walk away from my room at 2:45 when I walked my students to the buses and not return until Monday morning. I think it's fairly uncommon for elementary school teachers to completely take the weekend off, but for the sake of sanity - it has to happen sometimes.

With the way things went today, I'm tempted to describe this week as a bad one, even though we got a surprise day off thanks to the soccer victory and the declared national holiday. It's amazing that because of the ever-changing group dynamics of a classroom, one day can be incredible and the next can be awful just based on the rising and falling moods and energies of a few or all of the parties involved. It's sad that behavior can and often does overshadow academics. It's even worse that the bright spots in the group often suffer at the hand of the masses...

Coming from a small town in the rural south, I have been very spoiled by courtesy, manners, and respect for authority. I remember being so impressed by the values being instilled in many of the Vincent kids despite the common opinion that children in our society lack proper parental guidance and instruction. I miss hearing "yes ma'am" and "no ma'am." What do you do when a student is blatantly defiant in small ways that are infuriating and yet do not really seem to merit an office referral?

And then there are the bright spots... Argentina is probably the smallest 5th grader I've ever seen, but she has a huge heart. She longs to please the Lord and I feel like she knows more about Him than I do. Lydia is extremely smart and teacher-pleasing, and she has a dynamic personality that is loved by everyone around her. Juan Carlos is kind and polite with a sweet sense of humor. Manuel is one of the most responsible and disciplined ten year olds I've ever seen. Keren struggles with the language, but longs to be helpful and to be liked.

I wonder if every teacher sometimes wonders what it would be like to choose a few students to be removed from the class. It just seems like teaching, learning, and relationships could be much stronger without the hindrance of such constant distractions. But yet didn't the Lord join us all together for a reason? Doesn't someone have to teach and invest in those distractions? I just wonder... What is the Lord doing? What is He teaching me? Is He even working in them? Will the entirety of the next eight months be this difficult?

Other areas of this life are going well. I love my friends and feel very blessed and challenged by the godly women that I have met here. When I left in August, it was hard to let go of my friends from home and I remember thinking that hopefully the day would come when it would be hard to leave Honduras because of the relationships that I had built. I've spent a lot of time being a hermit this week. I've been working and talking on skype a lot. I'm excited about the weekend and I fully intend to get out and spend time as much time as possible with people.

I'm really liking my church and my care group. The pastor at Impacto speaks with clear and simple Spanish, so I like to turn down my headset and challenge myself to listen and understand. The teaching there is simple, but Biblical. It seems as though they are focusing on growing disciples on a firm foundation of the Christian faith. For the next two weeks, they will be having a missions conference. Last weekend they talked about how they want to be a missions church. I praise the Lord that I moved as a "missionary" (although I still don't feel that title is right) from a missions church to a missions church. :) And all the while, I am still following the podcast of Brook Hills - so I am still being challenged and feeling connected to my faith family.

My care group is going through a study on Philippians every other week, and on the weeks when we're not doing the study, we're currently sharing detailed versions of our testimonies. Monday night will be my turn to share.

My birthday is a week from tomorrow. I can't believe I'll be 25. It's funny because I didn't really put a lot of thought into that until about a week ago. 24 was my golden year because I turned 24 on the 24th. I had looked forward to that birthday and this year for so long. So now here comes 25. I think the only reason I've ever been excited about that was for a lower car insurance rate, and for the first time in years, I don't even have a car!

Twana signed a two-year contract this week. She said she wants me to do it too, but I'm still unsure. I'm thinking about grad schools and seminaries and wondering what the Lord is cultivating for me at home. I'm glad it's His to work out and not my own... Logan had a dream the other night that involved the two of us and our paths for next year. I guess time will tell if her dreams are prophetic. :)

A funny thing happened today... I believe my fifth grade boys and my fifth grade girls have discovered each other this week, and there has been a lot of giggling and talk about who likes who... Today some rumors were being spread about a few students, so we had a whole-class discussion about the reasons we should not be gossiping. After that conversation, some of my girls asked if I have a boyfriend. As I have experienced in the past with other students, they were very disappointed to hear that I do not. Then a couple minutes later standing in line outside the girls' bathroom, they said, "Miss! You need a Mister!" :)

The next two weeks are huge in the high school world. This Monday begins a week of 24/7 prayer where teachers and students will sign up to pray at various hours during each day so that prayers are constantly being prayed around the clock. I'm excited to participate, and I've signed up from 9-10 each night. This is all in preparation for spiritual emphasis week. As part of the elementary world, I won't really be involved in that, but I hear it's a wonderful week of worship and discipleship.

Speaking of discipleship, I should probably go. Tonight is Live Out Loud for 10th-12th grades, and I'm supposed to go and go hang out...

If there is anything that I can be praying for any of you, please leave a comment or send me a Facebook message or an email (JameyLynne@gmail.com). :)