Boasting in my weakness...

It's been a rough week in quite a few ways. As for the crazy sickness around mid-week, I thought I was recovering well until today when I started feeling sick again. There is a possibility that I will try to go to the doctor soon just because someone threw out the word "parasite" a few days ago and kinda' freaked me out. It's scary to think of going to the doctor here just because I don't have any idea where to start with that. I don't know where to go, and I'll have to take someone with me to translate. Then I have to figure out this crazy Honduran insurance and all the forms that have to be done just right to get reimbursed. Ugh - I would love for the Pepto Bismol to kick in and take care of all of it to save me from uncertainty and sub plans.

My emotions have been pretty raw and my tears have been easily triggered this week, and it's definitely become part of a vicious cycle. As upset emotions grow in longing for another life, guilt grows for being weak and discontent.

In the last few days, bits and pieces of many verses have repeatedly come to mind. I looked a lot of them up this morning and was shocked to find some other important messages in their surrounding contexts that freshly convicted my heart:

"Whoever loves father or mother more than me is not worthy of me, and whoever loves son or daughter more than me is not worthy of me. And whoever does not take his cross and follow me is not worthy of me. Whoever finds his life will lose it, and whoever loses his life for my sake will find it." Matthew 10:37-39

"Then Jesus told his disciples, 'If anyone would come after me, let him deny himself and take up his cross and follow me. For whoever would save his life will lose it, but whoever loses his life for my sake will find it. For what will it profit a man if he gains the whole world and forfeits his life? Or what shall a man give in return for his life? For the Son of Man is going to come with his angels in the glory of his Father, and then he will repay each person according to what he has done." Matthew 16:24-27

"My flesh and my heart may fail, but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever." Psalm 73:26

"But on my own behalf I will not boast, except of my weaknesses... But he said to me, 'My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.' Therefore I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me. For the sake of Christ, then, I am content with weaknesses, insults, hardships, persecutions, and calamities. For when I am weak, then I am strong." 2 Corinthians 12:5b, 9-10

Any of you who know me very well already know that I do not like to be weak. I do not like to be bad at what I do. Most of the time, if I know that I will not be really good at something, then I will refuse to do it at all. I'm sure it's just another aspect of my issues with pride. So in realizing that part of me is holding onto life at home and wanting to be a quitter and just go after my own desires, it's tempting to just keep it all to myself so that none of you see how weak I truly am. However, I can also be pretty much honest to a fault - so holding it all in isn't really an option either. On the bright side, I know that my honesty about my weaknesses in dedication will only point to the faithfulness of my Father as He sustains me and gives me strength to finish His tasks in the next five and a half months.

I feel like any strength that I did have to hold me here by my own will has run out. Yet, I know that's good because He's all I can cling to in those moments, and His strength is infinite...

During the Lord's supper this morning, as I was reflecting on Christ's sacrifice for us, I realized how small these short months truly are in comparison... My righteousness is as filthy rags...

I know that many people are praying for me and fighting for me, and I am so thankful... I have faith that He hears all of them and is working in me to increase my faith and give me strength and peace.

In other news, the weather here has gotten a little crazy. I've noticed a pattern this year that pretty much means a cold front on this mountain equals crazy amounts and gusts of wind. Weather.com says that the wind in Tegus is at 28 mph with gusts at 36, and I'm tempted to believe that the gusts are even stronger here because the city is actually a bit like a bowl surrounded by mountains all the way around. Weather here at the school is commonly different than that in the actual city, so I feel like we just never actually know if those predictions and reports include us or not.

Besides just missing my family and friends intensely, one of my biggest struggles this week has been the fact that my crazy, busy holiday schedule of traveling and visiting with family and friends came to a halt on Monday night as I returned to this life of school and home and little else. There is a drastic contrast between my social life at home (which I once considered to be completely lacking) and life here inside these gates. This weekend has been a little better because we've all made intentional efforts to spend time together by playing games, cooking, and watching movies. I even got off the mountain three times: for grocery shopping, for a pedicure, and for church.

Please pray for all of our teachers. Many are struggling with the same things as me...

I'm praying that I will be able to hang in there despite these stomach ailments because we're starting a girls' Bible study tonight... A bunch of us are going to start getting together every two weeks to go through the beloved Esther study, and I'm really excited. Of course, since the videos are all on my computer and I was the one who organized all of it, I really don't want to have to miss out!

Okay... I'm obviously not going to feel much more comfortable anytime soon, so I need to just suck it up and clean my room/walk up to my classroom anyway.

I covet your prayers for my health!

Just searching for someone to talk to...

I just can't leave that sickness post up as the first one on the page for very long... Frankly, it's depressing and kinda' gross.

I'm feeling stir-crazy after a very LONG day in bed. I could definitely go for some good conversation if only I had the energy and mental clarity to hold up my end of that bargain.

I was finally able to get comfortable enough to sleep for a little while this afternoon, and that was a huge blessing. I took some Tylenol and that really helped with my headache and fever. Now I'm seriously debating having a few Wheat Thins. I'm guessing I need to see if I can hold food down before I commit to a day at work tomorrow.

I'm a little sad about the way this has impacted me mentally and emotionally. I'm really trying to be positive about being here and teaching, and yet the last 24 hours have just made me wish for home more than anything else. After all, you're supposed to be at home with your mom taking care of you when you're sick, right? I'm not at all excited about a return to school tomorrow, and I'm sad that I'm missing a perfectly good Alabama snow day!

Self diagnosis...

What are the Symptoms of Food Poisoning
Food poisoning will usually occur within a few minutes to about 8 hours after you have ingested the culprit food. The symptoms could include one or more of the following.

--Abdominal cramps
--Nausea
--Vomiting
--Sudden and severe diarrhea
--Sudden unexplained fever usually accompanied by some other symptom
--Aching muscles
--Feeling very weak and tired for no apparent reason
--Severe headache

Yep. You might as well place a check mark next to all of those symptoms. I'm hoping the most severe of them have passed because I haven't thrown up since 4:00am. Unfortunately, such a horrendous night has left me feeling exhausted, achy, cold, and miserable... I know I need a shower, but 60* temperatures outside = 60* temperatures in our bathroom and that sounds like the worst idea ever. All I want to do is close my door, turn on my heater fan, and burrow down into the blankets on my bed.

So now the question becomes, to eat or not to eat? I've had lots of water, some Tang, and a friend of mine brought me Gatorade to sip on. However, the thought of food kind of makes me want to cry.

I hate that I essentially gave it to myself. I guess I won't be eating chicken again anytime soon...

So now the question about tomorrow looms in my head. I have no idea who ended up with my class today, and I'm wondering if I will have the strength and stamina to return tomorrow. Seeing as how standing up makes me dizzy now, I'm not feeling very confident. However, I'm trying to figure out the lesser of the two evils: being sick at work with these crazy children or trying to figure out another day of sub plans...

Update: I just read online (really - who needs doctors anyway? especially Spanish speaking ones in a strange country...) that you should avoid anything but liquids for at least two days. I guess that may answer the question about food. :)

Statement of Purpose

Tonight I had to write my "statement of purpose" to complete my part of the application to grad school at Alabama... Here's what came out. We'll see what the Lord does or does not do with it... :)

Oh, and if you find any errors, typos, or mistakes - please don't tell me. I've already submitted it and can no longer edit or revise. I would just rather not know. Thanks!

Jamey Benton – Statement of Purpose

I always knew I wanted to be a teacher. I loved school from the very beginning and idolized the beautiful women who impacted my life on a daily basis throughout my elementary career. In my spare time, I would force my little sister to sit in a row with my dolls for “class” in my bedroom. I transferred to the Alabama School of Mathematics and Science for eleventh and twelfth grade, and it was the first time that my life was completely void of children. My longing for that missing element served as confirmation for my path toward a Department of Education.

I did everything right. I got accepted to the University of Montevallo and was awarded a good scholarship. I excelled in my classes. I impressed my cooperating teachers during practicums and student teaching. I got an excellent score on the Praxis and secured a teaching job before I ever even graduated. I was always supposed to be a teacher, but perhaps that’s not all I was supposed to be.

My life and the lives of my family members were changed significantly on April 24, 2006 when that same little sister who once sat under my “teaching” was admitted to Children’s Hospital and diagnosed with Acute Lymphoblastic Leukemia (ALL). Though her diagnosis was somewhat favorable because of its status as the most common and the most thoroughly researched type of leukemia, she was facing at least two and a half years of chemotherapy treatment. During that time, I was on the outside looking in and falling in love with Children’s Hospital.

Student teaching and my first classroom kept me heavily occupied, and as the older sister who had already moved away from home, I was spared from the worst scenes of her battle. I accompanied her to Clinic Eight for treatment whenever possible. Unfortunately, those opportunities seemed to come few and far between. Even still, through my visits with her and due in part to the fundraiser that I organized to benefit some of the cancer patients at Children’s during the Christmas season in 2007, I observed some incredible servants who had positively impacted my sister’s life. They were called Child Life Specialists.

For almost four years, I have dreamed of becoming a Child Life Specialist at Children’s Hospital in Birmingham, Alabama. As I walked through the halls of that hospital on the most recent Christmas Eve, working alongside these helpful hospital employees and the families of former patients to deliver Christmas dinner to those missing their homes and families during the holiday, I decided to apply to make my dream a reality.

As I researched master’s degrees in Child Life on the website for the Child Life Council, I discovered that one of the only graduate programs in this field is located in my home state. I must confess that I am an Auburn fan and found it ironic that my hopes for a career in this area could lead me to the University of Alabama. However, I know that a good education at a well-respected university and preparation for the career that I feel called to do is much more valuable than an athletic rivalry.

I believe that I possess many strengths that will enable me to be a valuable addition to the Department of Human Development and Family Studies, and these abilities will ultimately help me to be an excellent Child Life Specialist. As a student, I am dedicated and self-motivated for success. I have always valued learning and I believe that I will appreciate it even more now after gaining some maturity and work experience that have shown me that education is not only about a good GPA. It truly is preparation for the future. I enjoy writing and seeking to improve myself and my talents. I only wish that my undergraduate background at Montevallo had exposed me to the experience of doing more research.

I am an excellent candidate for a career in Child Life because I love children of all ages and enjoy supporting them and building relationships with them. I believe that my experience as a teacher has taught me a lot about professionalism and responsibility and that I will be even more effective in the lives of kids in a one-on-one or small group environment as opposed to the large group dynamic of a classroom.

I know without a doubt that I was supposed to become a teacher. The fact that I had never heard of Child Life until my senior year of college was not a mistake. However, I hope that I will also be awarded the opportunity to utilize my strengths in the academic pursuit and career of Child Life.

Please don't be offended...

Just appreciate the humor and innocence of children learning a second language...

Quote of the day (so far...):

"Miss, is a$$ a bad word? There's a video on youtube of a little girl saying she's going to kick the monster's a$$."

Oh yes. This was a serious, straight-faced question. And I was miraculously able to appreciate the moment and return with a serious answer that it's not a nice word and she shouldn't say it.

There's no better teachable moment than when the kid just comes right out and asks, right?

The Obligatory New Year Post...

I'm still shocked to admit that it's 2010. I remember the 1999/2000 New Year so clearly that it seems impossible that it was ten years ago. Not only that, but I'm still unsure how to say the year out loud. Will we say "two thousand ten"? Or "twenty-ten"? Or will it ever just be "ten"? At times I've slipped and thought, "oh-ten." Then I realized I'm an idiot sometimes. Hahaha...

So what was the first meal of 2010 for me? Chickfila!!! Maybe it will be a good year after all. :)

My thoughts about this upcoming year just keep developing more and more positively. One of the main reasons is Platt's last sermon in the He Came series that closed out the Christmas season and spoke forward to the approaching new year. It probably made the list of one of my top five favorite Brook Hills Sundays, and I found such encouragement in it as I was reminded that my hope is secure when it is in my Father's hands because He is constant and faithful. If my hope is in my plans or ideas, I will be utterly disappointed, but He cannot and will not disappoint.

I know that I have recently been given excellent advice about my life in Honduras, and I want to honor it. I was even encouraged by Platt's sermon as I was reminded that my time here isn't supposed to be easy.
"As long as we as Christians, and as long as we in the church, live to make the glory of God known among all the peoples of the world, and try to figure out how to live Christianity in Birmingham, Alabama, to be the church in Birmingham, Alabama for the sake of all the people groups in the world - as long as that is our purpose, it will not be easy. It will not be easier at all - it will be harder. It will be more difficult. Satan will not sit idly by while the people of God pursue the glory of Christ among the peoples of all the world... But I am finding great hope in the reality that as long as we are giving ourselves to the purpose of God that has been there since the beginning of creation, that it may be tough and it may be difficult and it may be costly, but it will be worth it. God will use our lives to accomplish His purpose. So hope in this. Hope in this when it gets hard. Hope in this when it gets costly. Hope in this when it's not safe. Hope in this when the way of thinking, the way of life, goes against everything in our culture and even in our church culture around us. Hope in this: God from the beginning has been making his glory known among all the peoples of the world and as long as you and I are in on that purpose, we are guaranteed to see that purpose finished. It's going to happen and it will be worth it..."

So even when I'm stuck wondering why He sent me here: to a people group that is considered "reached" with the Gospel; to children who are much wealthier than I've ever been and than I probably ever will be; to a life that is comfortable and very similar to the one I led in Birmingham - I will hope in the fact that God knows what He's doing; He's using me even when I don't understand and even when I can't see it; and He will make His glory known to these students and to Honduras...

And now, coming off of that plane and into the warm tropical temperatures of this strange city serving as my home for a year, I know that "my cup runneth over". The time at home, though busy, was restful. Many of the people that I love reminded me over and over again that they love me and they're proud of me and that I can do this.

Five and a half months.

That seems like a long time. But I'm going to be here for that amount of time regardless, so I'm thinking I might as well look at it with a positive attitude. Wishing for home and even planning for the next steps will not change the timeline or make it pass more quickly. Besides, I was called here for a purpose, and I have not yet completed my task. I'm working on focusing on the reason I'm here in the first place and trusting the Lord to work all things for good even when I can't see what He's doing.

In the last few days, I have really been thinking about family. In this season of my life, I feel like my love for and attachment to my family is growing stronger as time passes. Many people do not feel this way about their family, and I wonder if I am wrong. I wonder if I am growing more immature in that area. After all, aren't I supposed to grow farther from them and more independent with each passing year? But then I remembered a conversation that I had with my friend Stacy a couple of months ago.

She is also a teacher here, and at that time, she was struggling because she felt like she was slipping back into her old ways of life. She had once again gotten caught up in fashion, shopping, and celebrity gossip, and she wasn't very pleased by her return to those things. Then she talked to another friend who pointed out that because Stacy's heart and soul long for and seek God, then she longs for and seeks beauty. Unfortunately, she was merely finding a false substitute for real beauty. I loved that explanation of the root of her desire because it seemed to make sense to me in a way that very little had before.

I think it may also relate to my current obsession with my family. My heart and soul long for God. In longing for God, I long for love. The best expression of love that I have ever found in my life has come in and through my family. I hope and pray that God will help me to know Him more so that I will continue to grow in love for my family and to love Him and desire Him and long to please Him infinitely more...

Finally, before I go to bed early after a very long day, today is the first day of The Radical Experiment. I'm really excited about it... Check it out. :) www.radicalexperiment.org

Goodnight moon.

If I ever actually become a grown-up...

Someone please remind me that a "fixer-upper" is NOT a good idea! Remind me that although old houses are full of history and charm, they are also full of imperfections and frustration.

Today was a full-on work day at the Benton household, and that made for four very edgy workers. I'm starting to gain a better understanding of all the things I've been hearing about over the last few months. Honestly, I'm starting to think the biggest frustration isn't the old house with crooked corners, unlevel floors, and oddly designed rooms. It isn't even installers or builders or painters who do poor work. (Those are definitely problems, but maybe not the biggest ones.) Instead, it's all about the different opinions residing under this roof. God did not design any of us with gifts of mercy or encouragement or even laid-back and helpful spirits. Instead, as the Benton, Vandiver, Newman, and Wilkinson bloods run through our veins, we all become VERY strong-willed and opinionated - especially during tense and stressful times.

Oh yeah. And those four opinions often point in four different directions.

So instead of coming home to help and ease the tension, I've basically just thrown another strong set of opinions into the mix.

Me? Bossy??? Controlling?!?!

Never!

So in that aspect (and possibly only that aspect, or maybe that one and just a few more) I may be happy to board that plane in about a week.

I can't believe I've already been here for a week. I feel like I just got here... (This is me - trying not to cry.)

Of course, I know that in that other country that I claim to love, there are some ten and eleven year olds who I am proud to know. Pablo must be very bored at home over the break. He's been sending me funny messages and posting silly things on Facebook. As much as that kid drives me crazy when I feel like he's distracting from my goals and plans (see? controlling...) - I love him and think he's a great one.

Grad school has really been on my mind in the last few days. I'm hesitant to share or make grand statements about the future, but I'm still considering some applications for next year.

It's funny because I feel like God has really humbled me over the years when it comes to speaking about plans for the future.

Sidenote: My mom just walked through and said, "What are you doing?"
I told her that I am blogging.
Her reply: "On the Honduran Happenings? You're not in Honduras. You can't happen. Don't you know?"
Haha... :)

Anyway, as I was saying... First of all, I have pride issues and I LOVE to be right. Second of all, I've been wrong A LOT. So now I am filled with hesitation when it comes to making predictions and even decisions regarding plans.

All I know is that there already IS a plan. It's not uncertain or unknown. It's usually pieced together just a little at a time for me to see, but I like knowing that God knows EXACTLY what He's doing...

As for tomorrow, I will gather with my faith family for coorporate worship, enjoy a little more time with precious friends that I love dearly, and hopefully be a bit more helpful than contrary on the home front...

After all...

"Love is patient and kind; love does not envy or boast; it is not arrogant or rude. It does not insist on its own way; it is not irritable or resentful; it does not rejoice at wrongdoing, but rejoices with the truth. Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things. Love never ends."
1 Corinthians 13:4-8 (ESV)