Boasting in my weakness...

It's been a rough week in quite a few ways. As for the crazy sickness around mid-week, I thought I was recovering well until today when I started feeling sick again. There is a possibility that I will try to go to the doctor soon just because someone threw out the word "parasite" a few days ago and kinda' freaked me out. It's scary to think of going to the doctor here just because I don't have any idea where to start with that. I don't know where to go, and I'll have to take someone with me to translate. Then I have to figure out this crazy Honduran insurance and all the forms that have to be done just right to get reimbursed. Ugh - I would love for the Pepto Bismol to kick in and take care of all of it to save me from uncertainty and sub plans.

My emotions have been pretty raw and my tears have been easily triggered this week, and it's definitely become part of a vicious cycle. As upset emotions grow in longing for another life, guilt grows for being weak and discontent.

In the last few days, bits and pieces of many verses have repeatedly come to mind. I looked a lot of them up this morning and was shocked to find some other important messages in their surrounding contexts that freshly convicted my heart:

"Whoever loves father or mother more than me is not worthy of me, and whoever loves son or daughter more than me is not worthy of me. And whoever does not take his cross and follow me is not worthy of me. Whoever finds his life will lose it, and whoever loses his life for my sake will find it." Matthew 10:37-39

"Then Jesus told his disciples, 'If anyone would come after me, let him deny himself and take up his cross and follow me. For whoever would save his life will lose it, but whoever loses his life for my sake will find it. For what will it profit a man if he gains the whole world and forfeits his life? Or what shall a man give in return for his life? For the Son of Man is going to come with his angels in the glory of his Father, and then he will repay each person according to what he has done." Matthew 16:24-27

"My flesh and my heart may fail, but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever." Psalm 73:26

"But on my own behalf I will not boast, except of my weaknesses... But he said to me, 'My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.' Therefore I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me. For the sake of Christ, then, I am content with weaknesses, insults, hardships, persecutions, and calamities. For when I am weak, then I am strong." 2 Corinthians 12:5b, 9-10

Any of you who know me very well already know that I do not like to be weak. I do not like to be bad at what I do. Most of the time, if I know that I will not be really good at something, then I will refuse to do it at all. I'm sure it's just another aspect of my issues with pride. So in realizing that part of me is holding onto life at home and wanting to be a quitter and just go after my own desires, it's tempting to just keep it all to myself so that none of you see how weak I truly am. However, I can also be pretty much honest to a fault - so holding it all in isn't really an option either. On the bright side, I know that my honesty about my weaknesses in dedication will only point to the faithfulness of my Father as He sustains me and gives me strength to finish His tasks in the next five and a half months.

I feel like any strength that I did have to hold me here by my own will has run out. Yet, I know that's good because He's all I can cling to in those moments, and His strength is infinite...

During the Lord's supper this morning, as I was reflecting on Christ's sacrifice for us, I realized how small these short months truly are in comparison... My righteousness is as filthy rags...

I know that many people are praying for me and fighting for me, and I am so thankful... I have faith that He hears all of them and is working in me to increase my faith and give me strength and peace.

In other news, the weather here has gotten a little crazy. I've noticed a pattern this year that pretty much means a cold front on this mountain equals crazy amounts and gusts of wind. Weather.com says that the wind in Tegus is at 28 mph with gusts at 36, and I'm tempted to believe that the gusts are even stronger here because the city is actually a bit like a bowl surrounded by mountains all the way around. Weather here at the school is commonly different than that in the actual city, so I feel like we just never actually know if those predictions and reports include us or not.

Besides just missing my family and friends intensely, one of my biggest struggles this week has been the fact that my crazy, busy holiday schedule of traveling and visiting with family and friends came to a halt on Monday night as I returned to this life of school and home and little else. There is a drastic contrast between my social life at home (which I once considered to be completely lacking) and life here inside these gates. This weekend has been a little better because we've all made intentional efforts to spend time together by playing games, cooking, and watching movies. I even got off the mountain three times: for grocery shopping, for a pedicure, and for church.

Please pray for all of our teachers. Many are struggling with the same things as me...

I'm praying that I will be able to hang in there despite these stomach ailments because we're starting a girls' Bible study tonight... A bunch of us are going to start getting together every two weeks to go through the beloved Esther study, and I'm really excited. Of course, since the videos are all on my computer and I was the one who organized all of it, I really don't want to have to miss out!

Okay... I'm obviously not going to feel much more comfortable anytime soon, so I need to just suck it up and clean my room/walk up to my classroom anyway.

I covet your prayers for my health!