How often do random magazine or webzine articles bring tears to your eyes because they're telling your story? It just happened to me as I read "Goodbye Guilt."
Wow.
Did I write that in my sleep? No? Oh, so I'm not the only one who has struggled with these thoughts and ideas?
Okay...
Amidst the intense excitement about coming home for Christmas, and the strong possibility of moving back to The States in late June, exists a huge weight of guilt.
Why don't I want to stay here for the rest of my life?
Why do I long for "home" and think of going back there?
Why is my Honduras experience so lacking in discomfort or sacrifice?
Yes. The Sunday School answers resound with promises of God's sovereignty and His good plan for my life...
I don't know what my future holds - but He does.
My mom tried to comfort and reassure me with a statement that even though I may struggle with the guilt of only living here for one year, many people never even dedicate that much. My instant response was that I cannot find solace in constantly comparing myself to others.
But just as quickly as I responded with that statement, I realized that part (or possibly most) of my guilt actually does stem from comparison. Instead of comparing myself to those who don't, I'm thinking of those who do. I'm thinking of my friends here who have already upgraded their one-year contract to a two-year commitment. I'm thinking of all the conversations in which I have heard and discussed that this school and these students need consistency and a community that is dedicated on a more long-term basis.
Guilt or no guilt, I will follow the Lord - even if that means following Him home.
I'm thankful that He has brought me here and that I have six and a half months remaining in this adventure.
I'm thankful that returning to a life in the United States does not mean the end of ministry or missions.
God can use me in Honduras, and He can use me at home.
So now I'm hopeful about my future and seeking His guidance one detail at a time...
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