Perfectionism and Failure...

My momma says I don’t update this enough anymore. If Momma says you should do something, you’d better do it without questioning…

I’m still working my way, a few days a week, through Beth Moore’s Bible study workbook on Esther. I love how even in my inconsistency with it, the lessons delivered come with perfect timing.

Today wasn’t particularly wonderful or terrible. I had a little bit of a sore throat, so I didn’t really have the energy to fight against incessant talking and silliness. At the end of the day, I just felt like being quiet and being alone.

I came home to a Bible study lesson administering a warning about perfectionism… It questioned when Haman started on the path that was focused on the pursuit of greatness but that lead toward his decisions and his destruction. Then it told the story of a woman who was told throughout her childhood that she was destined for greatness. After many years of adulthood that did not meet the expectations built up for her, she said, “If your identity is wrapped in the magnificent things you’re destined to achieve – as a great writer, musician, scientist, politician, chef – the thought that you might produce something mediocre can be devastating.”

This is so true in my own life. I’ve always been successful in my endeavors. Even in teaching, I have received many words of affirmation and encouragement claiming that I have a natural gift that shines past my youth and inexperience. Yet, here I am – clueless. And to me, the worst part is facing what I view as failure day after day and continuously realizing and admitting that I’m not sure of the best ways to reach and teach these kids.

And I’ve left behind a job where I received ample praise for one where I often feel unnoticed or seen only for my class’s problems.

But then there is this challenge filled with hope:

“Christ summons the disillusioned to the paradoxical bliss of spilling life lavishly, sacrificially for the glory of God and the good of man. Those with presence of mind and semblance of health are called to pour out the drink offering of their lives until the cup is overturned and every drop of energy slips – perhaps unnoticed, uncelebrated – into the vast ocean of earthly need. The last imperceptible drop of your well-lived life will sound to the hosts of heaven like a tidal wave hitting the floor of the Grand Canyon.
In effect Christ says, 'I'm already great enough for both of us,' relieving the willing of their woeful burden. 'Just follow me.'”

So I have to question myself…

“For am I now seeking the approval of man, or of God? Or am I trying to please man? If I were still trying to please man, I would not be a servant of Christ.” Galatians 1:10

Am I satisfied with only God’s pleasure in my desire and effort to live out His calling?