Here we go...

Welcome back to Honduras where your home and your things all have a familiar smell that bears a close resemblance to the musty smell of a thrift store...

Can I just say I had so much more PEACE coming back here today than when Jera dropped me off at the airport Sunday morning for my first attempt at returning?!?! Sunday brought back the reluctance and almost dread that has become so familiar when entering an airport. Today, I was ready.

I can do this.

In fact, I was reminded today as I read through my prayer journal from the last 7 months, that I know that I can do this because I can look back and see that I have done this... I definitely have not done it on my own, and my prayers have included many desperate cries for help - but my God is faithful and He brings us through trials even when we're not sure we can make it...




Mom - if you read this, I tried calling twice... Now I am going to see Twana, to eat dinner at her house, and to care group. I'll try to call before bed, but it may be tomorrow before we can talk...

I'm in love.

I'm in love with a precious one-year-old little girl named Rachel. :)

And I love that she loves me!

I love that I've only seen her once before, when she was about 2 or 3 months old and all she did was coo and stare at the ceiling fan and spit up, and yet I walked into the door of her house on Saturday night and she jumped around and squealed with excited delight... I love that she is silly with me and brings me her favorite toys and smiles when I enter the room. I love that she loves for me to play with her and to hold her and to read to her... I love that she gets excited and turns to me to tell me all about it in sentences that sound like, "Gob gob GOB gob!!!"

Sunday wasn't my favorite day ever, but I liked the way it turned out, so I would say it was worth it. I couldn't believe my reluctance to go back to Honduras when Jera dropped me off at the airport Sunday morning. I was returning for only three weeks, and yet I still didn't want to go. Because of the weather forecasts that I had heard about Tropical Storm Agatha, I honestly hoped I wouldn't have to go back yet, and I didn't believe it would happen until they made me get on the plane. However, just because you get on a plane and fly to a country doesn't mean you're really going there...

Agatha hit Honduras on Sunday, and apparently it rained in the Tegucigalpa area all day. My plane ended up flying into San Pedro Sula and we sat in the plane on the runway for about two hours while Continental decided what to do. Then I was given the option to get off the plane and try to find a bus to Tegus, although we were also being told that roads were out and buses were not running, or I could stay on the plane and fly back to Houston... I felt like my choice was obvious, especially considering my parents' opinions about my life in that crazy country.

So now I've been playing stateside while school has been cancelled. Apparently school will resume tomorrow, but I'll be missing at least two more days.

Ehh... Whatever. It's a hard-knock life.

If only answers didn't lead to more questions...

Choices and Celebrations - And Choosing to Celebrate

This visit home has been sweet to the soul... I am a very blessed girl with a wonderful, loving family and a home area that I very much enjoy. Of course, the stark contrasts between Honduras and the United States can be a bit overwhelming, and I am praying for God's grace to help me live simply without judging or condemning others in their surplus. (My desire for $100 of Old Navy tank tops further complicates things...) It's a hard balance to try to fight materialism and the temptation to be frivolous in a culture consumed by it. It very easily slips in without being noticed, like in spending almost ten dollars on food at the airport in Houston, only to throw most of it away because of the large portion size, or the almost natural tendency to get wrapped up in the rivalry of a college baseball game, when the outcome is really of no importance.

Yet there has got to be a way to live here that reflects something of higher value and continues to carefully evaluate needs vs. wants without becoming proud, judgmental, or offensive. I need grace to make that transition when the time comes and to live it well, not forgetting all I've seen, cared about, and prayed over.

I like who I am in Honduras better than who I am at home. I wonder if I can be that same girl here too...

I enjoy it here. I like my comforts. Yet, I don't want to allow those comforts to determine the course of my life. I don't want to return here just because it's easier. This year has been hard, and it's only now that I am so near to the finish that I see that it was not impossible and it did not overcome me. That, in turn, leads to the idea that it is an endeavor that could possibly be done again, which is a thought to which I have given little to no consideration because I was so focused on survival.

I definitely don't think it's wrong to teach and serve and love and invest in Honduras. At the same time, I don't think it's wrong to do those things here. I only think I will be wrong if I do not allow the experiences of this year to refine me and to impact my values and the woman I am becoming, no matter where I live or work.

These are hard decisions to make, because they could potentially shape my future and they definitely impact others. I wish I had a blinking, neon sign with arrows saying go here... Even if I return "home," I have little to no promises on what that means. However, if I knew the details, it wouldn't require my faith.

I'm just thankful to know that the Lord loves me no matter where I am, and He allows me to love others in all of these places that I call "home."

As for today, I will not attempt in vain to add more time to my life by worrying. Instead, I will trust the Lord to show me what to do, to be with me everywhere I go, and to provide all I need.

It's graduation day here in the Fork, and there are pictures to take, hugs to give, and baby sisters to celebrate... Photos to come! :)

Dazed and Confused

"For God is not a God of confusion but of peace..." 1 Corinthians 14:33a

So how's that for taking Scripture out of context? It's not even an entire verse. The passage is about orderly worship, but this week, I need it to be about decision-making.

I have never felt more lost in my life.

But.

"And he (Abraham) believed the LORD, and he counted it to him as righteousness." Genesis 15:6

I want to believe like that, and this week, I need my belief to be enough...

So.Much.Fun.

Today was the best day I've had in Honduras in a very long time... If it was like this more often, I would be thrilled to stay for another year - to live in the city with Cara, Stacy, and Twana, to get more involved with my church, and to have an actual life here.

John, Hannah, Sarah, and I met up with some friends from church this morning and went to a country club. We played in the pool (because a day at the pool with boys is very different from a day spent laying out with the girls), ate lunch, and played ping pong, pool, and air hockey. Then we went to the mall and walked around for a little bit. Finally, we came back up the mountain to Twana and Hannah's house to eat pancakes and play Pictionary.

It felt like a real day with real lives. (That's what we call it when we get to go out, in cars that aren't taxis, with people who do not work for our school.)

Me gusta mucho...

Just some thoughts...

Mom and I just got off the phone after discussing and wondering about the balance between free will and God's sovereignty. How about that for some light-hearted bedtime conversation?

For instance, if God knows what I will choose, does He know it because He chose it? Does He have an influence on our choices in such a way that the influence changes or determines our choices? Then, are they really choices at all?

Ugh. I could go cross-eyed.

I know that He knows what I will do.

And I know I will know when I am supposed to know it, as long as I keep seeking Him and do not follow my own path due to spontaneous emotion or rebellion...

Sometimes I just wish I knew now - for my own sake and for the sake of all others involved.

In other news:
- I hope to post pictures from this week's field trip this weekend. It was my favorite day of the year.
- For the most part, I am feeling extremely on top of things. I'm excited to be caught up on work stuff (unless I forgot something)!
- Javier gave me a hug yesterday, and I'm not sure he really even processed what he was doing until he was already doing it...
- I found out that the plastic Auburn cup that I gave to my students around Christmas is still a prized possession in the Chirinos household, and Ana refuses to let anyone else use it. Her sister says it's her favorite cup, and she uses it all the time. :)
- Today, while Pablo was in trouble, he said, "Miss, you may be upset with me right now, but you will still remember me as one of your favorite students." He's probably right, but I told him, "Pablo, you can be my favorite without being bad."

What really matters?

The blog world has been quiet lately... As we transition from spring into what most of us consider to be early summer, based on the school calendar, life is almost too full to be processed and analyzed. Most of my teacher-friends are a matter of days away from the freedom that we find and adore in summer break, and yet, there is much to do to close out another year of life.

Sidenote: I think it's funny how there is one main calendar, but many of us live by a different one. Supposedly, a year runs from January to December. Yet for those in the school world, a year runs from August to May or June. Then, of course, there are others controlled by the fiscal year calendar. Interesting...

Anyway. I am in the midst of some big decision making that feels like it could have a great impact on the rest of my life and on the lives of many others. I've decided that's when a decision feels daunting - when it affects others' lives as well. Now I see what Katherine meant when she talked about being a wife and a mother and the intimidation in making decisions that literally decided the course of people's lives.

I'm struggling a bit with deciding what I want to do. There are moments when it all seems obvious, and there are others when I could practically panic if I allowed myself to dwell on it too long.

While journaling my prayers tonight, though, I realized that the specific details of where I am, what I'm doing, where I'm living, etc. aren't really the most important things. I just want to make sure as my life continues, no matter where it goes or who it goes with, that I grow in my love for and understanding of my Heavenly Father. No matter where I am, I hope that He is honored, that others see Him, and that my faith does not become routine, nominal, or forgotten.

The woman in Proverbs 31 laughs at the days to come. I want to have faith like that. The burden is not on my shoulders. I do not have to have all the answers. God will create the task, and then He will ensure that it is accomplished.

"Here I am. Send me."

Now I guess we just wait to see where He sends me.