Choices and Celebrations - And Choosing to Celebrate

This visit home has been sweet to the soul... I am a very blessed girl with a wonderful, loving family and a home area that I very much enjoy. Of course, the stark contrasts between Honduras and the United States can be a bit overwhelming, and I am praying for God's grace to help me live simply without judging or condemning others in their surplus. (My desire for $100 of Old Navy tank tops further complicates things...) It's a hard balance to try to fight materialism and the temptation to be frivolous in a culture consumed by it. It very easily slips in without being noticed, like in spending almost ten dollars on food at the airport in Houston, only to throw most of it away because of the large portion size, or the almost natural tendency to get wrapped up in the rivalry of a college baseball game, when the outcome is really of no importance.

Yet there has got to be a way to live here that reflects something of higher value and continues to carefully evaluate needs vs. wants without becoming proud, judgmental, or offensive. I need grace to make that transition when the time comes and to live it well, not forgetting all I've seen, cared about, and prayed over.

I like who I am in Honduras better than who I am at home. I wonder if I can be that same girl here too...

I enjoy it here. I like my comforts. Yet, I don't want to allow those comforts to determine the course of my life. I don't want to return here just because it's easier. This year has been hard, and it's only now that I am so near to the finish that I see that it was not impossible and it did not overcome me. That, in turn, leads to the idea that it is an endeavor that could possibly be done again, which is a thought to which I have given little to no consideration because I was so focused on survival.

I definitely don't think it's wrong to teach and serve and love and invest in Honduras. At the same time, I don't think it's wrong to do those things here. I only think I will be wrong if I do not allow the experiences of this year to refine me and to impact my values and the woman I am becoming, no matter where I live or work.

These are hard decisions to make, because they could potentially shape my future and they definitely impact others. I wish I had a blinking, neon sign with arrows saying go here... Even if I return "home," I have little to no promises on what that means. However, if I knew the details, it wouldn't require my faith.

I'm just thankful to know that the Lord loves me no matter where I am, and He allows me to love others in all of these places that I call "home."

As for today, I will not attempt in vain to add more time to my life by worrying. Instead, I will trust the Lord to show me what to do, to be with me everywhere I go, and to provide all I need.

It's graduation day here in the Fork, and there are pictures to take, hugs to give, and baby sisters to celebrate... Photos to come! :)

Dazed and Confused

"For God is not a God of confusion but of peace..." 1 Corinthians 14:33a

So how's that for taking Scripture out of context? It's not even an entire verse. The passage is about orderly worship, but this week, I need it to be about decision-making.

I have never felt more lost in my life.

But.

"And he (Abraham) believed the LORD, and he counted it to him as righteousness." Genesis 15:6

I want to believe like that, and this week, I need my belief to be enough...

So.Much.Fun.

Today was the best day I've had in Honduras in a very long time... If it was like this more often, I would be thrilled to stay for another year - to live in the city with Cara, Stacy, and Twana, to get more involved with my church, and to have an actual life here.

John, Hannah, Sarah, and I met up with some friends from church this morning and went to a country club. We played in the pool (because a day at the pool with boys is very different from a day spent laying out with the girls), ate lunch, and played ping pong, pool, and air hockey. Then we went to the mall and walked around for a little bit. Finally, we came back up the mountain to Twana and Hannah's house to eat pancakes and play Pictionary.

It felt like a real day with real lives. (That's what we call it when we get to go out, in cars that aren't taxis, with people who do not work for our school.)

Me gusta mucho...

Just some thoughts...

Mom and I just got off the phone after discussing and wondering about the balance between free will and God's sovereignty. How about that for some light-hearted bedtime conversation?

For instance, if God knows what I will choose, does He know it because He chose it? Does He have an influence on our choices in such a way that the influence changes or determines our choices? Then, are they really choices at all?

Ugh. I could go cross-eyed.

I know that He knows what I will do.

And I know I will know when I am supposed to know it, as long as I keep seeking Him and do not follow my own path due to spontaneous emotion or rebellion...

Sometimes I just wish I knew now - for my own sake and for the sake of all others involved.

In other news:
- I hope to post pictures from this week's field trip this weekend. It was my favorite day of the year.
- For the most part, I am feeling extremely on top of things. I'm excited to be caught up on work stuff (unless I forgot something)!
- Javier gave me a hug yesterday, and I'm not sure he really even processed what he was doing until he was already doing it...
- I found out that the plastic Auburn cup that I gave to my students around Christmas is still a prized possession in the Chirinos household, and Ana refuses to let anyone else use it. Her sister says it's her favorite cup, and she uses it all the time. :)
- Today, while Pablo was in trouble, he said, "Miss, you may be upset with me right now, but you will still remember me as one of your favorite students." He's probably right, but I told him, "Pablo, you can be my favorite without being bad."

What really matters?

The blog world has been quiet lately... As we transition from spring into what most of us consider to be early summer, based on the school calendar, life is almost too full to be processed and analyzed. Most of my teacher-friends are a matter of days away from the freedom that we find and adore in summer break, and yet, there is much to do to close out another year of life.

Sidenote: I think it's funny how there is one main calendar, but many of us live by a different one. Supposedly, a year runs from January to December. Yet for those in the school world, a year runs from August to May or June. Then, of course, there are others controlled by the fiscal year calendar. Interesting...

Anyway. I am in the midst of some big decision making that feels like it could have a great impact on the rest of my life and on the lives of many others. I've decided that's when a decision feels daunting - when it affects others' lives as well. Now I see what Katherine meant when she talked about being a wife and a mother and the intimidation in making decisions that literally decided the course of people's lives.

I'm struggling a bit with deciding what I want to do. There are moments when it all seems obvious, and there are others when I could practically panic if I allowed myself to dwell on it too long.

While journaling my prayers tonight, though, I realized that the specific details of where I am, what I'm doing, where I'm living, etc. aren't really the most important things. I just want to make sure as my life continues, no matter where it goes or who it goes with, that I grow in my love for and understanding of my Heavenly Father. No matter where I am, I hope that He is honored, that others see Him, and that my faith does not become routine, nominal, or forgotten.

The woman in Proverbs 31 laughs at the days to come. I want to have faith like that. The burden is not on my shoulders. I do not have to have all the answers. God will create the task, and then He will ensure that it is accomplished.

"Here I am. Send me."

Now I guess we just wait to see where He sends me.

A new job???

Okay friends, family, and prayer partners... I need you. A very interesting job opportunity (basically job offer) has presented itself in the whirlwind of this weekend, and I would very much appreciate if you would join with me to pray that the Lord's will be done and that He would make His plan perfectly clear... It all seems a little too good to be true in a way that I am certain will ultimately be challenging and yet hopefully rewarding. I really don't want to share any details at all until I know more, but God knows and I would really love to know that you are praying for me specifically (although vaguely) about this.

Love y'all!!!

I Found My People...

Five weeks from tomorrow, I will be boarding a plane bound for Atlanta and saying goodbye to Honduras and lots of great people... I truly believe this is right, and I am excited about it and yet not rushing for that day to come. At the same time, in the last week, I have really seen how well I fit in this community and I feel that it has added extra confirmation that God placed me here. Last weekend, I lounged by the pool with lots of readers and appreciated that I am part of a community that reads. We also worshiped together, and I saw such value in our unity of beliefs.

Tonight, I sat around a dinner table and was part of the majority on an issue for one of the very first times in my entire life.

We never believed in Santa Clause.

Our parents didn't do the Santa thing with us, and a few of us went to school and ruined it for others at very young ages. :)

I'm not the only one!!!