Feverish Ramblings...

So, I think I have a fever.

I think that because of my incessant shivering despite the layers I'm wearing and the bedding that covers me.

I hurt.

I feel like my nerve endings have been electrified.

When I feel like this, sometimes I wish I wasn't by myself. It makes me wish I was at home under the care of my amazing madre so she could play with my hair or rub my back or bring me banana popsicles. However, I'm also thinking that the slightest touch to my back right now would make me cringe in pain. I even wish I could just hover in the warmth between the comforter and the mattress.

So sleep is not currently an option.

I tried.

I turned off the lights and the television. I turned on my sound machine. I set my alarm. I took my nightly allergy medicine. (Not in that order, of course...)

But to no avail...

A stream of thoughts kept running through my head. (Sidenote of praise: Something is wrong with my body, but my head feels fairly clear. Not sure what that means, but I'll take it...)

So now, in the inbetween, as I wait for the most recent dose of Tylenol to cool the fever and numb the sensitivity, I will blog...

1) My first, least-substantial thought is that Honduras wreaks a little bit of havoc on my health. In the past few years, I have not gotten sick. In my (almost) eight months here, I'm pretty sure I have been a bit miserable due to sickness on at least three separate occasions. I hope I'm healthier next year.

2) I want to come home. I think sickness gives us all the liberty to sink into a short pity-party, and I'm going to take this chance. I try not to think thoughts or write or speak words like this very often, but I'll blame my lack of wisdom and censorship on the possible fever. (And then I may delete this post or this point in the morning.)
Yes, I like it here. Yes, I want to finish what I've started. Yes, I love most, if not all, of my students. Yes, I think Honduras has some crazy magnetic charm that cannot be explained. And yet it's like I wish I could be in two places at once.
I miss my family. I miss the comforts of American civilization. We truly do live in an incredibly blessed and well-organized country. I miss familiarity. I miss independence. I miss perceived safety. I miss predictablilty and self-sufficiency. I miss my friends and their kids like crazy. I miss my own bed. I miss the availability of options. I miss my church. I miss my support system. (Okay, enough of that because now I'm crying...)

3) Just two and a half more months. In some ways I hope they pass by quickly, and yet I know I can never get them back. In two and a half short months, my year in Honduras will be over. I will no longer have the same opportunities to develop these friendships, invest in these students, step outside of my comfort zone, or rely on my God in quite the same way...

4) Today is Good Friday, and yet I am numb. It just hit me tonight that my faith is feeling routine. It's not absent. I'm not sure it's possible for it to be absent in this environment. However, with teaching at a Christian school, attending (almost) daily devotions, participating in the Radical Experiment with Brook Hills, and (irregularly) attending Impacto Church, my faith feels like something I do.
In some ways, I think that's right. Our relationships with Christ should be all-the-time, everyday type things. He is omnipresent and should therefore invade every facet of our days. It shouldn't just be something we do in a church building on Sundays.
However, it should also be alive and growing and passionate and something felt deeply.
I'm a lot like my dad. We tend to be somewhat logical, reasonable, and even cynical. Sometimes this is a great thing. Sometimes it infuriates me.
Like now.
Like when I want to feel something besides this physical achiness with every fiber of my being.

5) It's hard to be a foreign missionary. I know that is nothing new, but it is hitting me in new ways. It is hard to be removed from worship in your own language. It is hard to pour out and to stay filled.
It is SO important to pray for missionaries all over the world. My situation is easy in comparison to so many. They need to be lifted up to our Heavenly Father. They need His refreshing presence and the encouragement of His comfort. Don't get too busy. Don't forget. Fight for them on your knees, even if you don't know their names or stories.

6) Perhaps this routine and numbness is due to the struggles that I have faced this year. Maybe it's been all I could do to hang on for the ride. I don't want Satan to defeat me like that.

7) Maybe this has some cause-and-effect relationship for my lacking direction for the future. It's possible that God is waiting to show me the next steps because he wants me to plant my feet into these. It's also possible that I'm not listening to His voice as clearly as in the past.
Last year was revolutionary for me. I learned so much about the need for the Gospel in all nations. I began to find that satisfaction is not found in the American Dream or in the accumulation of materials. I felt called for months and actively sought that calling.
I guess that it can't always be like that.
I heard or read somewhere recently that Mother Theresa had a radical encounter with God when He directed her to ministry to the poor in Calcutta. I also heard that she never really felt like she encountered Him in the same way again for the rest of her ministry and her life - and yet she knew He was real and continued to seek Him until the very end. Maybe it's like that. Maybe He doesn't always lead us with pillars of cloud and fire. Maybe the faith comes in following even when you don't see Him.

8) Thoughts from last night's possible fever: How would our lives be different if we really believed that God is always with us? Would we then teach our children a different faith? Would we show them that you don't just have to encounter our Heavenly Father in prayers before meals and before bed? Would we impress upon them that He is with us as we drive down the interstate or play little league at the ballpark or take tests in school or stop for Happy Meals at Mcdonald's? How would that change their faith as children and as adults?

9) Now I feel hot. I think the Tylenol has kicked in. And I feel hungry. But I know my stomach lies.

10) I can't end on an odd number. Goodnight blog world.

Under the Weather

So as it turns out, maybe it's best that I have some time between my beach trip and my return to the crazy fifth graders, and not just for the obvious reasons. It appears that my body has decided to be sick again.
Between yesterday afternoon and last night, I grew increasingly more tired and lethargic accompanied by some stomach trouble.
As of today, I'm weak and achy.
Dehydration? Maybe...
Uncomfortable? Definitely.

So today I missed out on seeing the sawdust carpet designs in the streets of Tegus along with some hangout time, egg-dying, and possibly a cookout. I've also been missing out on prime reading time, although I did muster up enough cognitive energy to enter my grades and comments into the Excel spreadsheets for report cards. I also found a job posting for a part-time third grade teacher for next year in Birmingham. I went ahead and sent my cover letter, resume, and references. I figure there could be worse part-time jobs to hypothetically balance with grad school.

Who knows?

K... I'm off to continue to sip my water and sink into this bed to the beautiful background noise of Gilmore Girls. Adios.

Vacation Pictures

The view from the top of our hotel:

The river we forded, but we crossed where it met the sea... :)

Stones that washed up on the beach. And new pedicures.

Me and Hannah:

Me and Twana:

Pretty:

I liked it:

The view from the restaurant at our hotel:

Semana Santa

I'm home from a wonderful trip to Tela, Honduras on the Caribbean, and I've taken a day to be a bum and try to soak up some alone-time after about six days without any... I've considered writing a long, day-by-day account of our adventure, but I'm a little low on energy and patience for that right now. Instead, I can offer a bullet-point list...

Day One:

• Left at 4:30am on Saturday with Twana, Hannah, and Emily
• Took the Christina bus lines to Tela. It wasn't bad. Basically an old charter bus with open windows instead of air conditioning
• Arrived in Tela around lunch time
• Discovered buses weren't running on Thursday (when we originally planned to return)
• Decided to cut the trip short by one day to make it back to Tegus
• Saw a crowd gathered around a dead man (under a white sheet) on the beach
• Played in the clear, gorgeous water
• Found out Mom was right and that there are real reasons why sitting in the sand to play with the incoming waves isn't as fun as it seems in the moment
• Emily's wallet was stolen while she was reading and not paying attention
• Saw a person dressed in a dinosaur (gecko?) suit riding a bicycle
• Forded the river
• Ate shrimp and marked the obligatory seafood meal off my list
• Saw dogs, horses, and 4-wheelers on the beach
• Slept in a room with air-conditioning

Day Two:

• Woke up to the LOUD sounds of a Palm Sunday parade. Thought it was neighbors watching television at an annoying volume
• Most crowded day on the beach
• Was hit on by a young guy selling sunglasses who told us he is the perfect man
• While laying out, were asked by a dirty middle-aged man if he could take our picture. After telling him no, were disgusted and outraged when he did it anyway
• Bought a pink float
• Felt a little seasick while using the float in the waves
• Found a cute Honduran family to give the float to and thoroughly enjoyed the mom's excited squeal when I offered it to them
• Read, listened to my ipod, and slept in a hammock on a gorgeous porch overlooking the beach
• Ate really good pizza for a great price in a place that, based on the wall art, may have been a daycare at some point
• Sat with amazing girls on the top deck of my hotel enjoying the moonlight and gorgeous weather

Day Three:

• Woke up and found a LARGE ship anchored out in the water. Tried to figure out if it was a people-ship or a cargo-ship
• Saw LARGE iguanas in the trees around us during breakfast
• It was a GORGEOUS day and the beach was much calmer and more enjoyable
• We dug chair-like spots in the sand for perfect reading-spots and called them thrones
• Despite SPF 50, got a bit burned
• Had a bad lunch with bad service
• Ate at a hole-in-the-wall called The Bungalow owned and operated by a man from New Orleans
• Played a dice game called Farkle at the restaurant while attempting to wait out a tremendous rain storm
• Took a taxi just around the corner because the rain wouldn't let up

Day Four:

• Woke up to an overcast, rainy day (probably best for our skin...)
• The ship was gone
• Had to cancel our reservations for a day trip to Punta Sal for snorkeling, hiking, and exploring
• Watched a movie
• Read
• Got pedicures
• Ate baleadas at Tia Carmen's - a rough-looking old house without a foundation
• Favorite quotes from that dinner, "I feel like I'm eating in someone's house..." "I think you are."

Day Five:

• Walked on the beach to explore and collect some gorgeous stones (not shells - stones. Welcome to Honduras.)
• Had pizza again
• Took a much nicer bus back to Tegus
• My maturity almost ran out in the last hour of that long journey as the exhaustion set in

First Day at Home (Today):

• Crashed and burned and felt a little reclusive
• Thankful to have this apartment all to myself
• Glad to be home

Current Thoughts:

• I'm glad we have down-time between our vacation and our return to school
• I may try to go into the city tomorrow to see the sawdust carpets that are traditionally done for the Easter celebrations in Latin America
• The beach was beautiful, but the town was still Honduras. It was a little sketch.
• It's not like I'm into bungee-jumping or anything, but sometimes I can't believe the risks that my friends and I take. I'm glad the Lord is sovereign over our physical safety and our health.
• Feeling like something's missing - but not really sure what...
• Need to work on report cards
• Thinking about buying a desktop computer when I come home. Feeling old because of these thoughts
• Missing my family, but not really in the mood to talk.
• Not that talking is really an option. Something's wrong with Skype and/or my computer.
• Planning to upload some of Twana's pictures and call it a day.

And joy abounds...

I tried to write a post yesterday, but I got distracted or ran out of time... Regardless, the theme of my emotions are very much the same tonight.

I'm feeling a renewed sense of joy and thanksgiving.

In one part of the Esther Bible study, Beth Moore talks about when the tables turn... And she points out that the table has to be set against you for God to show up and show off by turning the table... I don't know how long this one will last, but this week has shown many signs of a table being turned - especially with one of my students.

Just two months ago, I was asking for prayers because I felt bullied by her. And my pride was wounded because I felt that being bullied by a fifth grader was ridiculous. This afternoon, she literally begged for me to let her call her mom to ask to stay after school to hang out because she didn't want to go home. I have no idea what has changed except for the influencing power of the Holy Spirit, but this week, she has not just put up with me. She has acted as if she may even like me. Praise the Lord...

Once in an interview for a teaching job, I was asked if I think it's important for my students to like me. I don't really know what kind of principal-pleasing answer I concocted, but now a few years later I'm willing to stand against the "professional" grain and boldy say, "YES - I think it's important for them to like me."

Except for the fact that I am still human to the core who likes being liked, it's not about acceptance of the approval of an eleven year old. After all, it's easy to convince myself that the main reason they don't like me is just because they're immature and not seeing me clearly - not because there's something in me that is not to be liked. :) However, I think it comes down to the reason I have stuck with teaching even this long... I've always loved "playing school," but teaching isn't quite the same now as when I instructed my dolls and my little sister. If I'm in it to play school, then all this extra work and responsibility is not worth it. I'm not even in it for the love of knowledge or the subjects I teach. Even though I can easily be distracted and forget my purpose, I know that I sought out a career building relationships with children so that I could get to know them, love them, and invest in them...

With that goal in mind, yes - it is important that they like me (or at least that some of them do - because I know that not everyone will) so that they feel comfortable with me, open up to me, and listen to me...

Today ended on such a high note for me. I sent 20 kids scattering in all directions toward various buses, and I walked lazily down the hill with two girls who are basically sitting on the fence right now between positive choices and negative ones that will impact their futures and the young women they are becoming. Then I stood outside the buses until the very last possible minute, not trying to control them or boss them around or force them to do something or be someone in order for me to accomplish my agenda of tasks... Instead, we stood there as friends who were identifying with each other and talking openly.

That is definitely one great thing about this school. In many ways, as long as teachers can stay on the good side of parents with high expectations, no one questions us for putting the personal in front of the professional when it comes to our interactions with our students. The lines of professionalism aren't drawn to form boundaries of distance and privacy. We are encouraged to be real with our students - to let them know who we really are in and outside the classroom and to get to know them that way as well...

So of course, this breakthrough shows up just before Spring Break - but if the Lord wants it to, then I know it will continue and maybe even grow even after a week off... I would love for people to join me in praying for that.

This blog is about to be quiet for almost a week while I vacation at the Caribbean. Seriously, it's a hard-knock life here in Honduras. (It really is for so many. I'm not taking that lightly.) Tomorrow at five pm, Twana, Hannah, and I will head down the mountain to spend the night with Emily. Then we will rise at some ungodly (is that blasphemous?) hour Saturday morning to go to Sketchville, Honduras to get on a bus. That bus will then take us (hopefully) to Tela, Honduras where we will lay on the beach, lay in hammocks, sight-see, eat, sleep, read, and relax until next Thursday. By the way, we may absolutely get what we pay for, but this whole trip will probably cost me less than $200, and I think that's even a generous estimate. We'll see how well I handle traveling Honduran-style. Supposedly our hotel has air-conditioning, so I'm thinking it could be much worse!

Okay... I still need to start the packing process, pray for the world (China tonight, I think), read the Word, and try to get a little sleep so I don't start my spring break off on a grumpy foot.

Love y'all! Have a great Semana Santa (Holy Week)!


Oh... and one more particularly joyous moment of the day:
One of my somewhat average, sometimes struggling students got the highest grade on today's social studies test. He beat all the obviously giften kids with a 102. When I showed him his grade, he practically flew back to his seat with uncontrollable, unreserved grinning and laughing. He sat in his chair in disbelief and told everyone around him about his school. Twenty seconds later, I heard, "Miss - Roberto's crying!" He was... I looked up to find him fighting back tears of joy. And then I looked away to fight back a few of my own.

Precious.

Oops.

I'm already feeling convicted about my previous post about $160 jeans... If I win a pair, excellent. However - couldn't that money be much better spent on something that is more of a necessity for me, or more importantly, for someone else?

Sometimes it takes me awhile to put things is perspective...

My Awesome Jean Design! > indiDenim: Custom Jeans Made Just For You!

My Awesome Jean Design! > indiDenim: Custom Jeans Made Just For You!

So... I should be grading papers - but instead, I'm designing jeans.

When I get a real job again, I'm totally buying these!

Or maybe I'll win them for free since I shared them on here!!! :)