Perfectionism and Failure...

My momma says I don’t update this enough anymore. If Momma says you should do something, you’d better do it without questioning…

I’m still working my way, a few days a week, through Beth Moore’s Bible study workbook on Esther. I love how even in my inconsistency with it, the lessons delivered come with perfect timing.

Today wasn’t particularly wonderful or terrible. I had a little bit of a sore throat, so I didn’t really have the energy to fight against incessant talking and silliness. At the end of the day, I just felt like being quiet and being alone.

I came home to a Bible study lesson administering a warning about perfectionism… It questioned when Haman started on the path that was focused on the pursuit of greatness but that lead toward his decisions and his destruction. Then it told the story of a woman who was told throughout her childhood that she was destined for greatness. After many years of adulthood that did not meet the expectations built up for her, she said, “If your identity is wrapped in the magnificent things you’re destined to achieve – as a great writer, musician, scientist, politician, chef – the thought that you might produce something mediocre can be devastating.”

This is so true in my own life. I’ve always been successful in my endeavors. Even in teaching, I have received many words of affirmation and encouragement claiming that I have a natural gift that shines past my youth and inexperience. Yet, here I am – clueless. And to me, the worst part is facing what I view as failure day after day and continuously realizing and admitting that I’m not sure of the best ways to reach and teach these kids.

And I’ve left behind a job where I received ample praise for one where I often feel unnoticed or seen only for my class’s problems.

But then there is this challenge filled with hope:

“Christ summons the disillusioned to the paradoxical bliss of spilling life lavishly, sacrificially for the glory of God and the good of man. Those with presence of mind and semblance of health are called to pour out the drink offering of their lives until the cup is overturned and every drop of energy slips – perhaps unnoticed, uncelebrated – into the vast ocean of earthly need. The last imperceptible drop of your well-lived life will sound to the hosts of heaven like a tidal wave hitting the floor of the Grand Canyon.
In effect Christ says, 'I'm already great enough for both of us,' relieving the willing of their woeful burden. 'Just follow me.'”

So I have to question myself…

“For am I now seeking the approval of man, or of God? Or am I trying to please man? If I were still trying to please man, I would not be a servant of Christ.” Galatians 1:10

Am I satisfied with only God’s pleasure in my desire and effort to live out His calling?

I love market day....

These are just some of the reasons I love market days... Some other reasons include fresh pineapple, limes, onions, and more. Apparently grapefruit are delicious, and I've been missing out all these years. And I love the prices. I got 7 grapefruit for about fifty cents. I got all those green beans for about fifty cents. I got lettuce for twenty-five cents, and broccoli for the same price. The corn was a dollar. The most expensive items were the tomatoes and the strawberries. Both were $1.50 for the amounts that I selected. The peppers were five cents each, and the cucumbers were 3 for fifty cents. I'm not really sure yet what I will do with the carrots, but I got all of them and two onions for a dollar. Wow... I will miss this when it's not available to me anymore. (If these prices are the same as those back home - please don't burst my bubble... I have never exactly been a produce connoisseur.)

I also got to see my favorite market lady again today, and she remembered me! She asked how my birthday was and if I had cake. I finally remembered to ask her name. Unfortunately, I'm not very good at understanding Spanish names yet. I think she said her name is Juanita, so I'll just go with that until I find out something different. haha... I love visiting her and supporting her. I'm excited to build a familiarity there.

This week has been pretty reflective for me. On Tuesday afternoon, Sarah and I spontaneously ventured into the city to a coffee shop called Espresso Americana. I, of course, got something other than coffee, and then we walked around El Centro and looked around in some second-hand shops. I love the moments like that when I look around and say, "I live in Honduras." And the thing is, I absolutely love it. I'm still a little unsure about my love for this school or for my job in general - but I LOVE this country. I love seeing the mountains and the tropical trees and flowers. I love hearing the language and walking through the streets on the crazy or nonexistant sidewalks. I think the people are beautiful. Tomorrow is the three-month anniversary of the day when I got on that plane by myself and ventured into the unknown. It's so different from home, but I think it's wonderful.

I wish I could say that I knew why the Lord wanted me to spend time here, but I'm not completely sure. The ministry to and love for my class here feels pretty equivalent to what I had at Vincent. Actually, it was easier to love the kids at home. I've struggled a lot already with my class. On days when they're driving me nuts, I would describe them as loud, rude, disrespectful, and selfish. On the good days, I try to say they're fun or entertaining. I'm learning that my love for others is often extremely conditional - but it's not supposed to be...

So in that way, I'm learning about unconditional love - like the love that my heavenly Father has for me... He doesn't love me more on a day when I follow the rules and am well-behaved. And He doesn't love me less when I'm particularly selfish or defiant.

He just loves me.

It's so humbling to realize you're receiving something every single day of your life that you do not deserve.

I'm learning about grace.

And I think that when you become so highly aware of receiving it, it makes it easier to give.

I'm seeing that in my relationships. When someone else sees past your weaknesses and faults and imperfections and they still want to be with you - it's humbling. And when you become increasingly more aware of the grace being given to you, there's this natural response of grace given in return that stems from such an overflow of gratitude. I've been observing the marriages around me, and I think it's just one more (major) way that marriage reflects the relationship of Christ and the church.

Anyway... That's enough deep-thinking for one post. I've got Skype conversations to have and fruits and veggies to put away. Goodnight! :)

My birthday!!!

So this is a little delayed, since my birthday was October 24th - but I finally got my birthday pictures from Melissa's camera! I had an incredible day here celebrating 25... It all started at the market bright and early where some of my friends talked to the man on the microphone and got him to announce my birthday to everyone. Then Joy used the mic to lead the whole market in singing happy birthday to me in Spanish. After shopping, my care group took me to brunch at the Intercontinental Hotel. It was delicious, and I felt like a spoiled princess. We took our time and ate way too much. Then we hung out by the pool for a little while before doing a little shopping at the mall and going to see a movie. Then my day was completed by flowers, birthday brownies made from scratch, games, and Skype. :)

You can see more pictures by clicking here!

This morning

This morning I wish...

• that papers graded themselves.
• that mornings didn't come quite so early.
• that December 19th wasn't seven weeks and 2 days away.
• that flights were cheaper.
• that fifth graders were more reserved and less needy.
• that a Honduran would franchise a Chickfila.
• that another Honduran would franchise a Zaxby's.
• that I wasn't so addicted to my computer.
• that feelings were more consistent and stable.
• that Auburn was better at football.
• that I knew a few more details of God's plan for my future (and maybe my present.)
• that I was better at teaching Bible.
• that I went to bed earlier last night.
• that Honduras had fall.
• that I knew what to share in staff devotions on Monday.
• that I could take a vacation.
• that I could hug Malie Kate and James and "see" the growth of Baby Alexander.
• that I read more.
• that I was reading in a hammock in the place that is pictured in my computer screen background.
• that my sister had a full-ride to college with complete discernment about the direction of her future.
• that my parents' home renovations were complete.
• that I could spend an afternoon listening to southern gospel and playing Scrabble with my granny.

This morning I have:

• beautiful sunshine streaming into my classroom with a gentle, refreshing breeze flowing through.
• Dr. Pepper. :)
• a radio station streaming Rick and Bubba into my headphones. Or are they called earbuds now?
• 22 students who know how to do math but don't understand the wording of the questions on their test from the textbook and therefore may do very poorly.
• a desire to just read aloud and not actually teach.
• a love for Fruit Loops...
• a gracious God.
• an appreciation for children with accents.
• a thankful heart for rebellious boys who finally decide to do their work and be agreeable - even if just for one or two days.
• a stack of 22 post-it notes full of 5th grade prayer requests and praises - with only one for a dog.
• a beautifully decorated classroom door.
• a wonderful Honduran roommate with whom I hope to be lifelong friends.
• internet in my classroom. :)
• a new Brook Hills sermon downloaded to my podcast.
• a sweet student who seems to think I need a pet.
• excitement about the fact that tomorrow is pajama day. :)
• a student reading over my shoulder and telling me to write in Spanish...
• a need to stop blogging and start being a good teacher again. :)

Tengan un buen dia!

Written by a student...

This is a paragraph written by one of my students today...

"If I was a teacher for a day, I would be like Miss Bentone. I would be funy and kind. I would sho the students that we need to be pationt. I would show that all has a fruit of the spirit, and would show them to help pour people. Miss Bentone you are a good example for me thank you."

Apparently I'm not a great example of spelling or grammar - but this was so sweet!

Songs...

My sister and I have long been captivated by music, but we were born to a set of parents who just don't get it... (Love you Mom and Dad!) I remember numerous times during my teenage years when I would feel so moved by song lyrics and I would beg my mom to listen to the song, feeling ever hopeful that she would be emotionally moved and that her life would somehow be changed by the words, only to have her respond with lacking enthusiasm in comparison to my own. I've always said that I really like music, but that the lyrics were the most important part to me. I don't have a lot of technical knowledge, but if I think it sounds good and if I like the words, then I will probably really enjoy it. So here are some lyrics that are really catching my attention these days...

When I think about my life and the ways the Lord is working out the details of His plan for me:
Bring the Rain by Mercy Me
Bring me joy, bring me peace
Bring the chance to be free
Bring me anything that brings You glory
And I know there'll be days
When this life brings me pain
But if that's what it takes to praise You
Jesus, bring the rain

This song played a pretty big role in my year of desiring an opportunity to serve the Lord in another country:
Stranger by Mandi Mapes
Father, what do you think of me
And my life?
What do I lack in Your eyes?
Gracious God, Please come and
Change my heart so I can be Your bride
I have nothing to offer
But when you're in me
Nothing is impossible
So we sing...
This world is not my home
I am a stranger in this country
Jesus in me
Will you pour me out
I'm ready to abandon
All my shiny things
My family
And this American dream, Lord
Come take it all from me
Until there's nothing left but You

Life update...

Praise the Lord for the weekend. It always comes at the perfect time... :) This weekend feels a little special because I worked really hard for the last few days so that I would be able to walk away from my room at 2:45 when I walked my students to the buses and not return until Monday morning. I think it's fairly uncommon for elementary school teachers to completely take the weekend off, but for the sake of sanity - it has to happen sometimes.

With the way things went today, I'm tempted to describe this week as a bad one, even though we got a surprise day off thanks to the soccer victory and the declared national holiday. It's amazing that because of the ever-changing group dynamics of a classroom, one day can be incredible and the next can be awful just based on the rising and falling moods and energies of a few or all of the parties involved. It's sad that behavior can and often does overshadow academics. It's even worse that the bright spots in the group often suffer at the hand of the masses...

Coming from a small town in the rural south, I have been very spoiled by courtesy, manners, and respect for authority. I remember being so impressed by the values being instilled in many of the Vincent kids despite the common opinion that children in our society lack proper parental guidance and instruction. I miss hearing "yes ma'am" and "no ma'am." What do you do when a student is blatantly defiant in small ways that are infuriating and yet do not really seem to merit an office referral?

And then there are the bright spots... Argentina is probably the smallest 5th grader I've ever seen, but she has a huge heart. She longs to please the Lord and I feel like she knows more about Him than I do. Lydia is extremely smart and teacher-pleasing, and she has a dynamic personality that is loved by everyone around her. Juan Carlos is kind and polite with a sweet sense of humor. Manuel is one of the most responsible and disciplined ten year olds I've ever seen. Keren struggles with the language, but longs to be helpful and to be liked.

I wonder if every teacher sometimes wonders what it would be like to choose a few students to be removed from the class. It just seems like teaching, learning, and relationships could be much stronger without the hindrance of such constant distractions. But yet didn't the Lord join us all together for a reason? Doesn't someone have to teach and invest in those distractions? I just wonder... What is the Lord doing? What is He teaching me? Is He even working in them? Will the entirety of the next eight months be this difficult?

Other areas of this life are going well. I love my friends and feel very blessed and challenged by the godly women that I have met here. When I left in August, it was hard to let go of my friends from home and I remember thinking that hopefully the day would come when it would be hard to leave Honduras because of the relationships that I had built. I've spent a lot of time being a hermit this week. I've been working and talking on skype a lot. I'm excited about the weekend and I fully intend to get out and spend time as much time as possible with people.

I'm really liking my church and my care group. The pastor at Impacto speaks with clear and simple Spanish, so I like to turn down my headset and challenge myself to listen and understand. The teaching there is simple, but Biblical. It seems as though they are focusing on growing disciples on a firm foundation of the Christian faith. For the next two weeks, they will be having a missions conference. Last weekend they talked about how they want to be a missions church. I praise the Lord that I moved as a "missionary" (although I still don't feel that title is right) from a missions church to a missions church. :) And all the while, I am still following the podcast of Brook Hills - so I am still being challenged and feeling connected to my faith family.

My care group is going through a study on Philippians every other week, and on the weeks when we're not doing the study, we're currently sharing detailed versions of our testimonies. Monday night will be my turn to share.

My birthday is a week from tomorrow. I can't believe I'll be 25. It's funny because I didn't really put a lot of thought into that until about a week ago. 24 was my golden year because I turned 24 on the 24th. I had looked forward to that birthday and this year for so long. So now here comes 25. I think the only reason I've ever been excited about that was for a lower car insurance rate, and for the first time in years, I don't even have a car!

Twana signed a two-year contract this week. She said she wants me to do it too, but I'm still unsure. I'm thinking about grad schools and seminaries and wondering what the Lord is cultivating for me at home. I'm glad it's His to work out and not my own... Logan had a dream the other night that involved the two of us and our paths for next year. I guess time will tell if her dreams are prophetic. :)

A funny thing happened today... I believe my fifth grade boys and my fifth grade girls have discovered each other this week, and there has been a lot of giggling and talk about who likes who... Today some rumors were being spread about a few students, so we had a whole-class discussion about the reasons we should not be gossiping. After that conversation, some of my girls asked if I have a boyfriend. As I have experienced in the past with other students, they were very disappointed to hear that I do not. Then a couple minutes later standing in line outside the girls' bathroom, they said, "Miss! You need a Mister!" :)

The next two weeks are huge in the high school world. This Monday begins a week of 24/7 prayer where teachers and students will sign up to pray at various hours during each day so that prayers are constantly being prayed around the clock. I'm excited to participate, and I've signed up from 9-10 each night. This is all in preparation for spiritual emphasis week. As part of the elementary world, I won't really be involved in that, but I hear it's a wonderful week of worship and discipleship.

Speaking of discipleship, I should probably go. Tonight is Live Out Loud for 10th-12th grades, and I'm supposed to go and go hang out...

If there is anything that I can be praying for any of you, please leave a comment or send me a Facebook message or an email (JameyLynne@gmail.com). :)