The Finish Line

As I face the end of this year in Honduras, I feel challenged to reflect on my experiences, my growth, and the things that I have learned. Based on my visits to the States during this year, I already know and believe that it is very easy to slip back into my former identity - my former routines and often misguided values. However, I want to be shaped and molded by all that I've seen and done and prayed and cried and loved. The following list of reflection is neither comprehensive nor complete. I make no promises about remembering and living by all of my newfound knowledge and understanding. It is only grace, not a difficult year in a third-world country, that can make me a new creation. My dad once taught me that in order to say an experience was life-changing, you have to live it out for some time to move past the emotional high and see how life is different in the aftermath. All that being said, during my year in Honduras, I learned the following tid-bits in the following areas:


Family:
I am blessed with a family that loves me more than words can express. I have never felt their care, concern, and sacrificial love more than this year. I know that my parents would absolutely give or do anything for me. They love me selflessly.

Teaching:
Teaching requires patience. My emotional response to the actions of my students cannot force respect or obedience. Sometimes you must listen more than you speak. Sometimes you should listen before you accuse. Sometimes there are things more important than walking in straight, quiet lines. Students and relationships with them can change and fluctuate drastically in the course of ten months.

Work:
In this life, Christ-followers do not just choose a job to serve themselves. My work is not about me. I do not do it because it is easy, convenient, comfortable, or beneficial to me. Therefore, I must choose to live a life of commitment and faithfulness that does not quit when things get difficult.

Children:
Children need consistency. They need consistency in expectations, routine, discipline, and love. They need to know that those who love them, in whom they trust, will not leave them. They are also often capable of giving incredible forgiveness and unconditional (undeserved) love.

Missions/Ministry:
One of the best ways to impact the people around you is to invest in them long-term and to simply live life alongside them. Here in Honduras, the people often best-equipped to spread the Gospel are the native Hondurans. With them, there are no language or cultural barriers. Our students are most open to and most impacted by those who can offer them the dedication and consistency that they need. Perhaps, in areas where a local church has already been established and if possible, it is most beneficial to partner with, encourage, and serve that church so that they are equipped to meet the needs all around them.

Missionaries:
Just because someone is a "missionary" does not mean they are holy. In fact, in the case of some, it also doesn't not guarantee that they are nice. I am the same person with the same struggles at "home" and "on the field."

Strength:
I can do more than I realize. Whether good or bad, each day passes at the same speed, and a new day is a fresh start.

Materialism:
It is possible to live without a cell phone, without a car, and without air conditioning. A luxurious life is not necessarily a better life.

Potlucks:
Whether Baptist, or Southern, or not, community often revolves around food, and potlucks happen all over the world.

Worship:
It is possible to worship and to learn in a language you do not fully understand.

Soccer (and life in general):

"Miss, when you kick someone, you just say, 'Sorry,' and keep playing..."

 
To any and all of you who have followed this journey along the way and offered your support and prayers, thank you.

The last days...

Sunday was also exciting considering that we've spent much of this year trapped behind walls and gates on the mountain. Saturday night, Twana, Hannah, and I spent the night with Lesly in the city because she lives close to the airport. Sunday morning (Twana's birthday!!!), we had a wonderful breakfast of waffles before taking Twana to the airport to go home. (She got to leave a week early for a wedding...) Then Hannah and I went to church at Impacto one last time this year where we met up with some other friends and joined in their Sunday plans.
After church, we drove out to Santa Lucia, which is a cute and very authentic (yet safe) Honduran town. We had pupusas for lunch at a local restaurant, walked around (basically up a mountain), and then played Catchphrase by a pond in the center of the town. After that we drove back to Tegucigalpa, met up with more people, and went to play mini-golf. That was really fun until it got dark and the power went out. We couldn't see anymore, so we left to go find a place to eat dinner. The power goes out a lot here, so we really didn't think anything of it until we drove around and discovered that it was out all over the city. We ended up at McDonald's (running on generators) where we then discovered that the entire country had lost power.
THE ENTIRE COUNTRY!
Of course there was grand speculation about political or military turmoil again and the possible return of the ex-president, but that seems to have been rumors. Though some were saying we would be without power for days, it actually came on again that night before we went to bed. We were blessed to be hanging out with some guys with cars who teamed up to follow each other up the mountain to drive us home and protect us if necessary. :)
We are still working this week even though the students finished last Friday. Unfortunately, even though I've done report cards, end-of-year paperwork, and cleaned out my room, I did not have enough to do to fill five teacher workdays.
So now I'm just hanging out in my classroom blogging, listening to sermons, preparing for Monday's job interview, and waiting on the weekend... I packed most of my things at my apartment last night, and while I'm just a little concerned about the amount and weight of my stuff, I'm starting to really feel like things are wrapping up...
Of course, I already have plans for every day next week while I'm at home... I'm so blessed to have great community in all of the places I call home! :)

One last hoorah...

Friday afternoon at 3:00, Twana, Hannah, Tara, Christa, and I rode a school bus down the mountain, got in Lesly's 4-Runner, picked up Emily from her house, and set out one one last Honduran adventure for this crazy school year... We drove for about 4 or 5 hours, with seven people in the car, to Lago Yajoa, which is the largest (and possibly the only?) substantial lake in the country. We stayed at a hotel (cabin style)/restaurant/marina and enjoyed quality time in close quarters with all seven of us sleeping on bunk beds in one room.

The next morning, we had breakfast at the hotel before setting out to go hiking at a local park. We took two different trails to creeks and waterfalls. (Sidenote: Honduras is NOT flat. Therefore hiking trails are NOT FLAT. I am not athletic enough for my friends... haha) Then we went back to the hotel to change, get our things, and check out before going to a place called Pulhapanzak.

Well, the Hondurans call it Pulhapanzak. I call it The Waterfall of Death.

We had heard that you could go swimming at the falls and you could even go on a guided tour behind them. In my mind, associating waterfalls with Noccalula Falls in Alabama, I thought we would possibly be following a neatly carved trail, hugging some sort of rock wall, and hanging out in a large cave behind the water. I was wrong.

For the grand price of $4, we took our lives into our own hands, and placed them in each other's hands as we clung to each other to climb over rocks and swim in various areas as water and mist rained down all around us and overwhelmed our senses. Have you ever considered how loud and windy it is in close proximity to a water fall? Let me tell you. It is.

As we got close to the falls, the guide told us that from that point on, we would need to keep our heads down and breath through our mouths because, with such a high concentration of water in the "air", we probably wouldn't be able to breathe through our noses. However, he forgot to tell us that even with your head down, you probably still wouldn't be able to see or keep your eyes open. That's right. A lot of that adventure was traveled with my eyes closed. I was definitely the wimp of the group, and I struggled the most. However, my friends were incredibly supportive and patient with me.

Twana once bungee-jumped over the Nile River in Uganda, and she said that parts of our waterfall experience were way scarier than that. But of course, this is Honduras... Did we have to sign a waiver? Nope. Did they even ask if we could swim??? NO. hahaha...

Lesly has a waterproof digital camera, so we have lots of documentation from our crazy, once-in-a-lifetime-for-me experience! I think the pictures make it look easier and safer than it actually was. After all, the scariest parts where we were being pounded by the falling water weren't really prime photo-ops... But here's a glimpse of what we did!

Goodbyes

I said my first round of goodbyes to my students over the course of both Thursday and Friday... On Wednesday, they had been up to their normal antics, making me feel a little crazy and leaving me wanting to detach. However, after some prayer, the Lord helped me to face Thursday with a special motivation to just spend time with them. Their desks were arranged in a U-shape, and they sat there doing "assignments" (aka, busy work) while I just walked all around and talked to them. I played with all of my girls hair and tried to be strong as they pleaded, "Miss, don't go..." My morning with them was very memorable and a great way for me to prepare to let go.
The rest of our day was busy with cleaning out the desks, taking up textbooks, throwing away bags and bags of old papers and workbooks, loads of recess time, and our end-of-the-year party. We basically finished everything on Thursday because some of the students were not returning on Friday. That was the first day of World Cup games, so of course, attendance was lower than normal. hahaha...
For our party, some of the kids and some of the moms collaborated to bring lots of snack food, pizza, drinks, cake, and ice cream. This culture definitely likes to party, so classroom events tend to be a bit extravagant. Luckily, it's not as bad in the older grades, so my weak party-planning skills weren't much of an issue.
I gave out certificates and Candy Bar Awards to all my students, and they colored velvet door hangers that I bought at Hobby Lobby in Houston. They really enjoyed knowing that I had thought of them so much while I was in the States. Then I gave them Fun Dip from my mom, and they were super excited... The first time my mom came, we heard, "Fun Dip? Miss, what is Fun Dip?" and had to explain how to eat it. This time around it was, "Yay!!! Fun Dip!!!"
Thursday afternoon was my first time to really feel as though I might cry. Manuel, one of the best boys in my class with a laid-back and kind spirit, gave me a gift and said, "This is for you. Thanks for teaching me this year," with a big grin on his face. That was the moment when I first fully realized how hard it would be to leave.
Friday was a half-day of school. In fact, some of our elementary teachers made it a dress-up day and wore crazy headbands with bows, butterflies, and flowers on the sides in honor of our fashion-forward students... I didn't really plan anything for my class to do. After all, I sent home all their paper and pencils the day before. We just hung out in the classroom for awhile and they all signed each other's shirts. Then Joseph hooked up an antenna to a tv in his classroom and half of the grade watched the soccer game while the other half hung out in my room talking or playing Apples to Apples. Then we ended the day with a very extended recess.
My girls were especially sentimental all day. They made it very clear that they did not want me to leave, and I was so blessed to be showered in hugs clinging to me all morning. When the time came to walk to the cars and buses, most of my boys seemed disinterested in an emotional goodbye, and I felt the same way towards many of them. However, my girls would not let me go. They cried, and so did I. A few of them seemed to be a little dramatic and just caught up in the girly moment of flowing tears. However, as I hugged sweet Argentina and felt her trembling against me, I cried because I knew I was hurting her by leaving.
I had never thought of it that way before. I was hurting them.
I also struggled to say goodbye to Pablo. He definitely wormed his way into my heart and will probably be unforgettable for the rest of my life. Just the fact that he gave me a hug before he walked to the buses let me know that I meant a lot to him as well. Of course, then in typical class-clown fashion, he broke the tension and made us laugh by quickly turning around and saying, "I want to cry, but I can't. I'm too macho."
So I walked home that day feeling emotionally exhausted, but I'm doing a little better now. I'm already hoping that I can come back a year from now for their sixth grade graduation and to spend some time with them and my friends, either here or traveling.
Many people have asked me if I am so excited and ready for Sunday. In a way, I am but because I was just home, I am not just longing for places or food or anything like that from home. Instead, it's bittersweet. This year and these children have had a tremendous impact on my life, and it's hard to say goodbye.

This picture is blurry, but one of the girls tagged it on Facebook, and it's the only one I have...

Sweetness...

After emotional goodbyes on Friday and a weekend full of incredible fellowship and adventure, there is much to share but very little time or energy tonight with which to share it... So here's the promise that I will write an obnoxiously long post sometime in the next few days, primarily after I talk to my mom and actually tell her about these things before she has to read them on the Internet. It's more personal that way...

For now, I will leave you with copies of one email that I received from a parent and a Facebook message that I received from a student. (Good luck reading that one. I've had a year of practice, so I understood most of it. However, I think the main point is very clear!) These messages are a huge part of the reason I did this, and they make it hard to leave, but I am trusting that the Lord has another group of children that He wants me to love and to serve. :)



Dear Miss Benton,
I want to thank you very much for all your kindness and for being really supportive with Juan Carlos. He really got to appreciate all you did for him and also learned to love you as his favorite and best teacher in all his years at Pinares.
He's been crying all afternoon and he says that he's really going to miss you.
Would it be possible to see you at the airport the day you leave? Juan Carlos wants to say good bye one more time. If you don't feel comfortable with that I will understand. Maybe it would then be ok if he keeps contact with you through email?
Once again, thanks a lot for everything. You made a difference in our lives and blessed our son through your teaching.
May God bless you always.



You are so special i WILL miss you allot. I cant stop crying.I realy wish you didnt have to go you are a very special teacher. I cant belivi i didnt saw how much i was going to miss you. You are special you own way and thats very cool. I know you are realy going to miss your BFF. But can you come see us all. I know that that trips are very expensive. But you can cemo 3 or 4 times a year. Can you come to my Graduation of 6 grade. You see how happy I was with miss Zwier i will be happier when you com!! Every girl in th class cry you have people that love you and care. Camila and me were the 2 that cry the most th hug that you gave came till my heart and that make me think alot ive been thinking alot like 2 hours that i love you so much that i realy but so realy i dont want too let you go.

I actually might cry.

I have four hours left with these students, and some of them aren't coming tomorrow at all... Today, one of my best boys gave me a gift to say goodbye and said, "Miss, thanks for being my teacher this year." I was so touched by that sweet moment, and I realized I might actually cry tomorrow when I say goodbye to everyone, especially to some of the best girls a teacher could ever have in a class.

We'll see how it goes.

Then the weekend adventure begins at 3:00 tomorrow afternoon. Lake Yojoa/waterfall, here we come!

No Me Gusta "America's Got Talent"

Because I know that God is in control, I know it's not surprising or ironic, but I came home after Bible study last night and found both an email and a voicemail from a principal interested in interviewing me... In fact, I knew this man 10-15 years ago when he taught at Locust Fork, so I still say it's all in who you know.

And now I have an interview on Monday, May 21st at 2:00.

I'm thankful that I have two weeks to prepare and to form my list of questions as well.

The school is in an area of Birmingham that I'm unfamiliar with, and it is part of the Jefferson County School System. After working in Shelby County and simply assuming I would return there, this opportunity has caught me off guard a bit.

However, I remember when I received a voicemail asking me to come interview for the job at Vincent during the summer of 2007. Megan and I were laying out at the pool at our apartment, and she basically had to convince me that I should call them back. I had never heard of the school and had very little interest in moving my life so far out in that direction. Yet, I know God wanted me there all along. Perhaps this could work in the same way... I guess time will tell.

It feels nice to be wanted, and I like the idea of being in the Birmingham area for friends and my church while actually heading back a little closer to my family.

After today, I feel as though my fifth grade experience has been made complete. Why? Because after all these months, we finally broke out the paint. The strong and distinct odor of tempera paint filled my classroom this afternoon as my students took turns painting cereal boxes (and apparently their clothes) for a reading project. They are actually turning these boxes into a creative form of a book report, and I'm excited to see how they turn out. If nothing else, I think they enjoyed doing a little work for once - or maybe they just didn't realize it was work.

I guess due in part to the tropical storm and the massive amounts of rain that have fallen in Honduras lately, the flying insect population seems to have multiplied exponentially. We are swatting flies while we teach, and many of us are walking around with bug bites dotting our arms and legs. I am tempted to start applying a coat of bug spray as a part of my daily routine: deoderant, brush teeth, bug spray... I also know of teachers who have begun to carry anti-itch cream with them at all times. Welcome to Honduras. :)

Tomorrow is Kirsten's (my teammate in 5th grade) last day of teaching... I am so proud of her for hanging in there through what I would call one of the worst first years of teaching imaginable. Her class has shown a lot of defiance, disrespect, and rudeness all year, and I am very impressed by her strength and courage as she has not given up.

I have two and a half teaching days left...

Ready or not, here they come!

This weekend is going to be extremely full as a group of us travel to a lake a few hours away to stay in a hotel and explore and even visit some waterfall. I am very excited to have one last adventure with Twana before she leaves the country on Sunday. Perhaps I'll come back with one last set of crazy pictures to document this journey.

The infamous Pablo is having another (and supposedly the final) surgery on his ear next week. Then he says he'll spend his summer sitting around because of the recovery. I imagine that could mean lots of facebook messages from him to "the Miss", but I told him it sounded to me like the perfect opportunity for some intense math tutoring! :)

As of right now, and it should not change, all of my students are passing. I'm very surprised by this, especially in the case of one kid in particular. It's hard to know that he wasn't ready for 4th or 5th grades, and that there is no way he's ready for 6th grade, but with the help of his parents on all homework, and with some school survival skills and test-taking strategies, he has once again squeaked by. I just think it's unfortunate when parents are blinded by pride to think that their son must continue on with his class when he could really benefit from a year of maturity and review...

A year under the Honduran sun have brought out more freckles than I ever thought possible. Perhaps, after this year, it is time to become a dainty southern belle who constantly seeks shade.

Time to read Proverbs (our latest endeavor in the Bible reading plan) and hopefully go to sleep. I think I've been sleepy for a couple of weeks now. I'm not sure that I'll ever catch up. :)

Pressure and Panic

Today was okay... Actually, I would have called it good until the very end of the day when three of my most challenging students really pushed my buttons. I miss students who listen and follow directions. I miss students who are courteous, respectful, and kind. Sometimes I am tempted to think that students like that don't really exist and that all teaching is like this, but I know it's not true! It's just easy to see your immediate circumstances as universal.

I'm starting to panic about a job for next year. I keep hearing of other teachers here who are interviewing on Skype and uploading videos of their teaching onto YouTube and getting jobs already.

It's just ironic because for quite a few months of this year, I wanted to escape from teaching. Now, it's all I want to do. God has helped me to see the tremendous opportunity held by a teacher to invest in a community. In the elementary school setting, you are able to not only invest in students, but also to invest in their siblings and parents over the years as you watch their families grow and change. This year, I have learned a lot about patience, love, and faith. I hope that I am given a chance to show and prove my growth...

So now that I am really dreaming of spending my summer setting up a classroom and preparing for the next step, I'm afraid that such a classroom doesn't even exist in my future.

It's hard because so much of it is who you know, and when you've left the country, you don't really know anyone anymore - even the people you thought you knew before...

And I know that I should be strong and courageous to know that my God is with me, He called me here, and He will lead me in the future as well. I should trust Him enough to know that He didn't just call me here for a year of hardship with the intent to cut me off from my career in the end. I guess faith is just easier said than done...

Sleep is for the weak.

I am pretty sure that I have spent about 30 cumulative minutes awake in my apartment since I flew in on Thursday... That may be a bit of an under-exaggeration, but I definitely have not been sitting around playing online or even grading the stack of papers that calls my name. I guess that we're starting to feel the urgency of the clock that is ticking toward the end of our time here, and so we have hit the ground running with errands and playing and soaking up community.
My head has hurt all day, probably due to the stress that I feel about the work to be done and the lack of time to do it. Last week in Houston was phenominal, but it was extra-hard to jump back into the routine, having lost a few days, in an attempt to catch up on end-of-the-year tasks like awards, grades, inventories, etc. Of course, in the midst of all that, I still have lesson plans waiting to be executed - and my mind feels completely checked out. I have no idea what the next week holds or how I will handle it instructionally, but read or not, here it comes...
Of course, I could have and probably should have spent a few hours in my classroom this afternoon to review the lesson plans that I wrote about three weeks ago and to try to conquer this grading... Instead, I went with a group of girls to see Prince of Persia. Yep. A group of girls. And we saw one of the most violent movies that I've watched in a long time... These Pinares teachers are anything but typical. :)
And now, to tackle my to-do list of unpacking, cleaning, and grading. Who needs sleep anyway???

Here we go...

Welcome back to Honduras where your home and your things all have a familiar smell that bears a close resemblance to the musty smell of a thrift store...

Can I just say I had so much more PEACE coming back here today than when Jera dropped me off at the airport Sunday morning for my first attempt at returning?!?! Sunday brought back the reluctance and almost dread that has become so familiar when entering an airport. Today, I was ready.

I can do this.

In fact, I was reminded today as I read through my prayer journal from the last 7 months, that I know that I can do this because I can look back and see that I have done this... I definitely have not done it on my own, and my prayers have included many desperate cries for help - but my God is faithful and He brings us through trials even when we're not sure we can make it...




Mom - if you read this, I tried calling twice... Now I am going to see Twana, to eat dinner at her house, and to care group. I'll try to call before bed, but it may be tomorrow before we can talk...

I'm in love.

I'm in love with a precious one-year-old little girl named Rachel. :)

And I love that she loves me!

I love that I've only seen her once before, when she was about 2 or 3 months old and all she did was coo and stare at the ceiling fan and spit up, and yet I walked into the door of her house on Saturday night and she jumped around and squealed with excited delight... I love that she is silly with me and brings me her favorite toys and smiles when I enter the room. I love that she loves for me to play with her and to hold her and to read to her... I love that she gets excited and turns to me to tell me all about it in sentences that sound like, "Gob gob GOB gob!!!"

Sunday wasn't my favorite day ever, but I liked the way it turned out, so I would say it was worth it. I couldn't believe my reluctance to go back to Honduras when Jera dropped me off at the airport Sunday morning. I was returning for only three weeks, and yet I still didn't want to go. Because of the weather forecasts that I had heard about Tropical Storm Agatha, I honestly hoped I wouldn't have to go back yet, and I didn't believe it would happen until they made me get on the plane. However, just because you get on a plane and fly to a country doesn't mean you're really going there...

Agatha hit Honduras on Sunday, and apparently it rained in the Tegucigalpa area all day. My plane ended up flying into San Pedro Sula and we sat in the plane on the runway for about two hours while Continental decided what to do. Then I was given the option to get off the plane and try to find a bus to Tegus, although we were also being told that roads were out and buses were not running, or I could stay on the plane and fly back to Houston... I felt like my choice was obvious, especially considering my parents' opinions about my life in that crazy country.

So now I've been playing stateside while school has been cancelled. Apparently school will resume tomorrow, but I'll be missing at least two more days.

Ehh... Whatever. It's a hard-knock life.

If only answers didn't lead to more questions...

Choices and Celebrations - And Choosing to Celebrate

This visit home has been sweet to the soul... I am a very blessed girl with a wonderful, loving family and a home area that I very much enjoy. Of course, the stark contrasts between Honduras and the United States can be a bit overwhelming, and I am praying for God's grace to help me live simply without judging or condemning others in their surplus. (My desire for $100 of Old Navy tank tops further complicates things...) It's a hard balance to try to fight materialism and the temptation to be frivolous in a culture consumed by it. It very easily slips in without being noticed, like in spending almost ten dollars on food at the airport in Houston, only to throw most of it away because of the large portion size, or the almost natural tendency to get wrapped up in the rivalry of a college baseball game, when the outcome is really of no importance.

Yet there has got to be a way to live here that reflects something of higher value and continues to carefully evaluate needs vs. wants without becoming proud, judgmental, or offensive. I need grace to make that transition when the time comes and to live it well, not forgetting all I've seen, cared about, and prayed over.

I like who I am in Honduras better than who I am at home. I wonder if I can be that same girl here too...

I enjoy it here. I like my comforts. Yet, I don't want to allow those comforts to determine the course of my life. I don't want to return here just because it's easier. This year has been hard, and it's only now that I am so near to the finish that I see that it was not impossible and it did not overcome me. That, in turn, leads to the idea that it is an endeavor that could possibly be done again, which is a thought to which I have given little to no consideration because I was so focused on survival.

I definitely don't think it's wrong to teach and serve and love and invest in Honduras. At the same time, I don't think it's wrong to do those things here. I only think I will be wrong if I do not allow the experiences of this year to refine me and to impact my values and the woman I am becoming, no matter where I live or work.

These are hard decisions to make, because they could potentially shape my future and they definitely impact others. I wish I had a blinking, neon sign with arrows saying go here... Even if I return "home," I have little to no promises on what that means. However, if I knew the details, it wouldn't require my faith.

I'm just thankful to know that the Lord loves me no matter where I am, and He allows me to love others in all of these places that I call "home."

As for today, I will not attempt in vain to add more time to my life by worrying. Instead, I will trust the Lord to show me what to do, to be with me everywhere I go, and to provide all I need.

It's graduation day here in the Fork, and there are pictures to take, hugs to give, and baby sisters to celebrate... Photos to come! :)

Dazed and Confused

"For God is not a God of confusion but of peace..." 1 Corinthians 14:33a

So how's that for taking Scripture out of context? It's not even an entire verse. The passage is about orderly worship, but this week, I need it to be about decision-making.

I have never felt more lost in my life.

But.

"And he (Abraham) believed the LORD, and he counted it to him as righteousness." Genesis 15:6

I want to believe like that, and this week, I need my belief to be enough...

So.Much.Fun.

Today was the best day I've had in Honduras in a very long time... If it was like this more often, I would be thrilled to stay for another year - to live in the city with Cara, Stacy, and Twana, to get more involved with my church, and to have an actual life here.

John, Hannah, Sarah, and I met up with some friends from church this morning and went to a country club. We played in the pool (because a day at the pool with boys is very different from a day spent laying out with the girls), ate lunch, and played ping pong, pool, and air hockey. Then we went to the mall and walked around for a little bit. Finally, we came back up the mountain to Twana and Hannah's house to eat pancakes and play Pictionary.

It felt like a real day with real lives. (That's what we call it when we get to go out, in cars that aren't taxis, with people who do not work for our school.)

Me gusta mucho...

Just some thoughts...

Mom and I just got off the phone after discussing and wondering about the balance between free will and God's sovereignty. How about that for some light-hearted bedtime conversation?

For instance, if God knows what I will choose, does He know it because He chose it? Does He have an influence on our choices in such a way that the influence changes or determines our choices? Then, are they really choices at all?

Ugh. I could go cross-eyed.

I know that He knows what I will do.

And I know I will know when I am supposed to know it, as long as I keep seeking Him and do not follow my own path due to spontaneous emotion or rebellion...

Sometimes I just wish I knew now - for my own sake and for the sake of all others involved.

In other news:
- I hope to post pictures from this week's field trip this weekend. It was my favorite day of the year.
- For the most part, I am feeling extremely on top of things. I'm excited to be caught up on work stuff (unless I forgot something)!
- Javier gave me a hug yesterday, and I'm not sure he really even processed what he was doing until he was already doing it...
- I found out that the plastic Auburn cup that I gave to my students around Christmas is still a prized possession in the Chirinos household, and Ana refuses to let anyone else use it. Her sister says it's her favorite cup, and she uses it all the time. :)
- Today, while Pablo was in trouble, he said, "Miss, you may be upset with me right now, but you will still remember me as one of your favorite students." He's probably right, but I told him, "Pablo, you can be my favorite without being bad."

What really matters?

The blog world has been quiet lately... As we transition from spring into what most of us consider to be early summer, based on the school calendar, life is almost too full to be processed and analyzed. Most of my teacher-friends are a matter of days away from the freedom that we find and adore in summer break, and yet, there is much to do to close out another year of life.

Sidenote: I think it's funny how there is one main calendar, but many of us live by a different one. Supposedly, a year runs from January to December. Yet for those in the school world, a year runs from August to May or June. Then, of course, there are others controlled by the fiscal year calendar. Interesting...

Anyway. I am in the midst of some big decision making that feels like it could have a great impact on the rest of my life and on the lives of many others. I've decided that's when a decision feels daunting - when it affects others' lives as well. Now I see what Katherine meant when she talked about being a wife and a mother and the intimidation in making decisions that literally decided the course of people's lives.

I'm struggling a bit with deciding what I want to do. There are moments when it all seems obvious, and there are others when I could practically panic if I allowed myself to dwell on it too long.

While journaling my prayers tonight, though, I realized that the specific details of where I am, what I'm doing, where I'm living, etc. aren't really the most important things. I just want to make sure as my life continues, no matter where it goes or who it goes with, that I grow in my love for and understanding of my Heavenly Father. No matter where I am, I hope that He is honored, that others see Him, and that my faith does not become routine, nominal, or forgotten.

The woman in Proverbs 31 laughs at the days to come. I want to have faith like that. The burden is not on my shoulders. I do not have to have all the answers. God will create the task, and then He will ensure that it is accomplished.

"Here I am. Send me."

Now I guess we just wait to see where He sends me.

A new job???

Okay friends, family, and prayer partners... I need you. A very interesting job opportunity (basically job offer) has presented itself in the whirlwind of this weekend, and I would very much appreciate if you would join with me to pray that the Lord's will be done and that He would make His plan perfectly clear... It all seems a little too good to be true in a way that I am certain will ultimately be challenging and yet hopefully rewarding. I really don't want to share any details at all until I know more, but God knows and I would really love to know that you are praying for me specifically (although vaguely) about this.

Love y'all!!!

I Found My People...

Five weeks from tomorrow, I will be boarding a plane bound for Atlanta and saying goodbye to Honduras and lots of great people... I truly believe this is right, and I am excited about it and yet not rushing for that day to come. At the same time, in the last week, I have really seen how well I fit in this community and I feel that it has added extra confirmation that God placed me here. Last weekend, I lounged by the pool with lots of readers and appreciated that I am part of a community that reads. We also worshiped together, and I saw such value in our unity of beliefs.

Tonight, I sat around a dinner table and was part of the majority on an issue for one of the very first times in my entire life.

We never believed in Santa Clause.

Our parents didn't do the Santa thing with us, and a few of us went to school and ruined it for others at very young ages. :)

I'm not the only one!!!

The Year of Jubilee!

I have had an absolutely wonderful day... It started beautifully this morning with worship in devotions. The same girls who led at the women's retreat joined with a few other teachers and blessed us all with some great songs like "Arise," "One Pure and Holy Passion," "Your Name," and they finished with "Days of Elijah."

Of course, I think I'm a little extra-emotional today for some reason, but I found myself wiping away tears as we sang,

"Behold He comes!
Riding on the clouds!
Shining like the sun!
At the trumpet call!
Lift your voice!
It's the year of Jubilee!
Out of Zion's hill, salvation comes!"

I have seriously been listening to and singing that song all day... You can ask my students! I have been enthralled with the idea of the year of Jubilee, so I looked it up to see if there was anything else that I didn't already know about it... I liked this description from Wikipedia:

"In the Biblical book of Leviticus, a Jubilee year is mentioned to occur every fifty years, in which slaves and prisoners would be freed, debts would be forgiven and the mercies of God would be particularly manifest."

It was wonderful to start my day with such joy.

Then the rest of the day flowed smoothly and peacefully. It was almost enough to make me suspicious. My good friend Pablo was absent, so that may have had something to do with it. The kids were just calmer than normal.

Tonight, some of the girls and I are going to get together, order pizza, and watch The O.C.

Welcome to a great start to my weekend. :)

I Wish I Was Vanna White

Okay... I really don't. I just consulted Google and read a couple of paragraphs about her, and I definitely don't want her personal life. In fact, based on the fact that she has also worked as an actress, I'm guessing changing the letters on Wheel of Fortune isn't exactly the fulfillment of all her dreams. On the other hand, according to one source, she makes $3 million a year to walk back and forth for thirty minutes at a time to change letters with a clap and a smile. Really? I'm pretty biased to think that teaching in an elementary school classroom is an extremely difficult job, and I know that there are other jobs that are laboriously exhausting. And she gets to pace back and forth.

At least we get summer break...

And in fact, I have completed all of my lesson plans for the rest of the year! I was working today on plans for next week when I realized I needed to go ahead and prepare for the following week and ultimately the week after that as well. After that, there was only one more to follow - so I just dove right in and handled all of it! Woohoo!

I'm still rejoicing because of the love that the Lord has given me for these students... Pablo has actually been driving me nuts lately, but I just can't help but love the rest of them. I enjoy talking to them. I will miss them when it's all said and done. Yesterday, Argentina asked, "So, are you ever gonna' come back?" I said, "Hopefully I'll come to visit... I'll just stay at your house!" She grinned, shook her head in a yes motion, hugged me, and walked to her aunt's car.

I'm sleepy. I always want a nap on Wednesdays, so I tend to struggle with the fact that it's our longest workday.

And last, but not least, I think I'm feeling a little bit better... I actually got hungry last night for the first time in about a week. Of course, after eating, my stomach hurt again for a little while and it hurt again this morning, but it's definitely better than last week. Here's hoping that God continues to heal! :)