The Abuse of Freedom

Today was rough. I feel like such a failure when I come home sometimes... And other times, I feel like a failure by 7:45am.

Today, I think it hurt my heart more than in the past... I have been trying so hard in the last few months, and I have come to love them in the best way I know how. So today, when I feel lied to and taken advantage of after giving and giving, it hurts.

I can't even imagine how parents must feel when their children rebel.

It hurts to know that I want them to do what is right. I want them to make better choices and become better people. Yet when I trust them, they abuse their freedom and show no remorse over lying to my face or going against my rules and expectations.

I'm tired of fighting. I'm sad that they don't try to do the right thing, even if just out of the relationship that we've built.

And then I think of how we rebel against our Heavenly Father... I see so many comparisons here between their behavior in my classroom and my behavior in my life. It makes me ashamed, and His love baffles me.

I'm also coming to terms with the fact that I have just a little bit more than five weeks left with them, and in all honesty, they're probably not going to transform into a kind, respectful, obedient, peaceful group. I know that doesn't mean it's hopeless... God can change their hearts, and I want to commit to pray for that even after I leave. However, what will the next five weeks be like? How can I hold them accountable to be in the right places and doing the right things without losing my temper?

I don't have any idea what I'm doing.